Cryptonews

In a moment that almost feels like a prophecy, Jurrien Timmer, Fidelity’s illustrious director of global macro, took to social media on April 27 to unveil his thoughts on the great battle between Bitcoin and gold. With the fervor of a philosopher, he presented data from Fidelity Management & Research Company (FMR Co) and Bloomberg, analyzing the Sharpe Ratios—the sacred indicator that measures return adjusted for risk. The numbers suggested, of course, that we are witnessing a shift of cosmic proportions.

Brian Armstrong, whose job title (“CEO of Coinbase”) sounds suspiciously like someone who does their own taxes, peered into the murky liverwurst of the financial future on X (formerly Twitter, currently still confusing):

If you thought Pi was just a number you forgot after high school, think again! This is happening before the big mainnet shebang. No more sketchy peer-to-peer deals in dimly lit alleys—now it’s all above board, with regulations tighter than my uncle’s pants at Passover.😂

The rough’s not over: them bearish vultures are circling, hungry-eyed, waiting for PI to flop down to its all-time low around $0.40. (“We’ll take two, bartender! The lowest shelf!”)

If you ever wondered how many Britons decided to stake their unpredictable future on even less predictable digital assets, the FCA has discovered just that: a fortnight ago, only a modest crowd (6%) was committed to gambling with borrowed money, but as the years turned, those numbers swelled to 14%. Perhaps next season, we’ll see entire wedding dowries invested in meme coins.

Do not FOMO trade, they whisper, but whispers fade in the roar of the crowd.

Here lies our hero: $200,000 spent in a moment, like Red Cavalry charging blindly into the mist.

The price tumbles—no, it plummets—like Icarus dazzled by the unruly sun of social hype. His $POPE, a crown upon his head for a heartbeat, becomes a stone in his pocket.

In panic, he flees, clutching $89,000, watching $111,000 drift into the digital ether.

— Lookonchain (@lookonchain), standing on the roadside, records the tale with the solemnity of a half-drunk prophet.

Meanwhile, investors, upon discovering the existence of “gold-backed cryptocurrencies,” collectively exclaimed, “Ah! A modern way to ignore Warren Buffett’s advice!” and started buying tokens with such vigor one wonders if alchemy was involved. Over the last month, more than $80 million worth of goldy tokens were minted, presumably without anyone actually swinging a pickaxe anywhere except perhaps in Minecraft.

The ADA price is up 13.3% over two weeks. Investors are giddy, Charles Hoskinson is tweeting in full cryptic-CEO mode, and meanwhile, everyone’s pretending they know what “Leios protocol” means. Here’s the pitch: Leios is Cardano’s answer to scalability and quantum resistance (whatever nightmares keep cryptographers up at night, that’s the fix).

Glover jawed with CryptoMoon—yes, that’s the real name—layin’ out all the perils and promises of holdin’ on to Bitcoin:

Behold! By early 2025, Ethereum’s dominion over startup founders had withered below half — a first, as unthinkable as tea without sugar. Meanwhile, Solana, bruised but unbowed by its FTX frolics, advanced with the optimism of a poet after three espressos. Wang — with the gravitas of someone who just dropped a plate of borscht and shrugged — declared that “momentum favors Solana.” Imagine Ethereum glancing nervously at its rearview mirror, only to see Solana weaving through traffic with the reckless abandon of a Lada at a police checkpoint.