Cryptonews

According to a May 8 Bloomberg report (from “people familiar with the matter”—which is code for someone’s neighbor’s cousin who once used a MacBook), Apple is brewing up new processors for future devices. On the docket? Their first-ever smart glasses, designed to do everything short of leading you on a spiritual journey. You know, just in case you looked at Meta’s Ray-Bans and thought, “Yeah, but with less subtlety and more fruit logo.”

This week’s big event appears to be a rerun of last week’s—muted trading, mild tension, a general sense that maybe, just maybe, something dramatic will happen. Except now the spot market is having some sort of caffeinated fit and shooting higher, which means we might upgrade from yawning to, say, breathing-even-faster-than-normal excitement levels. Hold onto your hats. Or your Bitcoin, probably.

Hold your horses, folks! CoinMarketCap is showing that Dogecoin and Shiba Inu are up over 4% in the last 24 hours. That’s right, over 4%. How did this happen, you ask? Simple: it all started with the US Federal Reserve deciding to keep interest rates steady. Normally, a decision like that would be bad news for crypto, but wait—Jerome Powell, the Fed Chair, said something that stirred the pot. He spoke of an economy that’s in a good place, inflation coming down, and oh, tariffs being the only thing holding them back. Surprise, surprise, tariffs have actually turned into a friend to our meme coins. It’s like they found a loophole! 🏦

Star of the show? President Donald Trump, who apparently can sign trade deals faster than a Discworld bureaucrat can stamp paperwork. Investors, seeing ETF inflows that look suspiciously like floodwaters—upwards of $40 billion—clambered into the bullish lifeboat.

Now, before we all start popping champagne corks, let’s not forget that a few hurdles remain for this settlement to be fully realized:

On Thursday, Trump took his grievances straight to Truth Social (because, of course, where else would he go?) and gave Powell a rather harsh critique, calling him “a fool” who “doesn’t have a clue.” Now that’s some top-tier diplomacy right there. I mean, really, who needs the UN when you’ve got Twitter… sorry, Truth Social.

Paul Grewal, Coinbase’s legal head honcho (so much legal gravitas, the courtroom bows in his presence), announced on May 6th that the company’s blockchain eggheads were called in to assist with a New York City whodunit that would have taxed even the likes of Jeeves. The NYPD, not wanting to look like chumps, teamed up with Coinbase to unpick a nasty spree of robberies, overdoses, and night-time ne’er-do-wellery plaguing the swinging precincts of good old Manhattan.

Three winters ago, after the Diem—née Libra—venture was cast out like some modern-day devil from the garden of regulatory Eden, Zuckerberg retreated, licking his wounds and eyeing the ledger. Now, they say, the time has come to pilot Meta’s battered hulk back onto the blockchain seas, bracing for a second round with fate herself. This time, stablecoins are the weapon—tokens promising they won’t vanish in the night, like hope after a bad NFT drop.

On Wednesday, the House Committee for Delivery of Government Efficiency—yes, it’s actually called “DOGE” (one suspects a prankster)—tipped their cowboy hats to Senate Bill 21, shoving it further down the legislative rodeo. The bill, ridden by the intrepid Senator Charles Schwertner, wants Texas’s comptroller to try their hand in the wild and occasionally woolly world of cryptocurrencies—provided the digital critter has bulked up its market capitalization to at least $500 billion in the last year. No Dogecoin for the state, alas; Shiba Inu fans, say your piece and weep.

Sur les planches de Binance, notre cher DOGE/USDT interprète une bougie hebdomadaire digne des plus grands théâtres: ouverture à $0.1705, envolée lyrique à $0.1833, soupir tragique à $0.1643, et pour l’instant une standing ovation à $0.1828 (+7.2% pour la semaine). Deux spectres l’encadrent: la sinistre EMA-50 bleue, perchée à $0.203, et l’antique EMA-200 rouge, fidèle à $0.138, sentinelle jamais abandonnée, même lorsque Dogecoin a voulu s’enfuir du bal en début d’année.