These U.S.-listed concoctions—half investment vehicle, half existential dare—recently recovered from an outflow episode attributed to tariff tantrums. In a dazzlingly brief window (7 and 8 May, for anyone still keeping receipts), Bitcoin ETFs found themselves on the receiving end of $260 million in investor largesse.
Somewhere amidst the cold Moscow dawn—er, crypto’s feverish twilight—Ki Young Ju, the tormented lead at Cryptoquant, gazed into the abyss of Bitcoin price charts and saw… not a bear, but the shadow of his own self-doubt! Only months ago, his pronouncement thundered: the bull cycle sleeps! Yet now, humbled (and perhaps slightly disheveled), he confessed on X (that digital confessional for modern sinners):
Space and Time, a blockchain platform with a little help from the tech overlord Microsoft, is now officially live with its public and permissionless mainnet. What does it do? It promises to deliver zero-knowledge (ZK)-proven data directly to smart contracts. Why? Well, because why not make a new generation of cryptocurrency applications that are sophisticated and data-driven? Because the world clearly needs more of those, right?
The timing? Right as crypto’s having a bull market party. Investors, suddenly more attentive than my ex-wife at alimony hearings, start snooping like they’re auditioning for “CSI: Blockchain.”
Numbers, you ask? Worry not. DEX Screener’s fangs deliver: from the heady heights—north of $100 million, that green flash after launch—now a faint gasp at $60 million, which, with some wit, might be called “still better than my lottery ticket.”
Oxbow, the DeFi platform that popped up in 2023 like a startup on caffeine, announced last Friday that they’ve gotten rid of deposit caps for their Privacy Pools tool. So now it’s not just your average user making moves, but institutional players and high-volume traders can get in on the action. 🤑
According to the oracles at Coinglass, one does not merely invest in SHIB; one orchestrates a $220 million open interest, the highest summit in thirty days. Yes, that’s right: It appears the only thing growing faster than SHIB futures is the mountain of hope upon which investors are building their weekend plans. 🐾
Taking a break from his To-Do list (“1. Tweet. 2. Golf. 3. Fix all trade ever.”), Trump swaggered onto Truth Social. He declared, with the subtlety of a marching band in a library, that this deal will rake in $6 billion in external revenue from 10% tariffs. Yes, six BILLION—which is also the number of times he says “tremendous” in a week.
Apparently, dear reader, BlackRock was not summoned with a subpoena, but invited itself with the subtlety of an heiress to a champagne brunch—likely carrying circulars that are now being giggled over by crypto enthusiasts everywhere.
Let’s not get addled: you’re not stuffing Bitcoin into a monogrammed coin purse. Rather, your crypto wallet is standing sentry over your private keys—those deliciously complicated gobbets of cryptography that say, in effect, “Step aside, peasants. The wealth is mine!” With the right wallet, you become the lord of your (digital) manor, unbothered by meddlesome banks or sharp-nosed regulators.
