Cryptonews

Since their brief affair with euphoria, UNI has—shall we say—taken a bit of a tumble down the grand staircase. Five months of gliding gently (with all the grace of a slightly tipsy flamingo), mirroring their stuffy market-cap companions. Quite the downward dog, but alas, nobody seemed particularly ruffled.

“One of our contracted moderators had their account compromised, which allowed a malicious bot to post scam links in one channel,” explained Quintin Boatwright, Ledger’s resident fixer-upper, on the server.

The attack, as announced by the beleaguered (if admirably composed) CEO, Madame Shirine Khoury-Haq, was executed by what she termed “highly sophisticated” criminals—a phrase that in the countryside would have mapped onto bankers, politicians, or perhaps an especially crafty rooster. This “limited member data” absconded with, she claimed, remained minimal; yet whispers among the hedges intimated otherwise.

And yet, at the present moment, PENGU trades at $0.01373—a lamentable 1.90% fall in twenty-four hours. Even the local fishmonger refuses to trade herring for such a return.

The Long/Short Ratio is now 3.0, which means for every cynic muttering, “This dog’s going down,” there are three optimists sock-puppeting, “To the moon!” The rest are presumably just watching with popcorn, waiting for chaos. 🍿

Let no one say fate lacks a sense of humor. Pi Network, glowing with unearned confidence, charged forward like an enthusiastic lab assistant after the discovery of expired vodka. A hair-raising 50% rally in a single day—CoinMarketCap’s own data testifies Pi pirouetted from a modest $0.73 to an audacious $1.19, as if inspired by a sudden visitation from the Devil himself. 👹📈

Hold your applause, my dear, because this license isn’t just a pretty piece of paper. Oh no. This little beauty allows Gemini to bring its regulated cryptocurrency derivatives, including perpetual futures, to both retail and institutional investors in Europe. The company promises that everything will be as buttoned-up as your grandmother’s Sunday best, complying with all necessary regulations before they launch these derivative products. Such dedication, don’t you think?

Connect the Dots

Hot on their heels, Scott Bessent, U.S. Treasury Secretary and the fellow with the least enviable inbox on earth, confirmed that negotiations were “productive.” The world nodded, feeling that tingling on their spines you get right before exam results or discovering a suspicious sock behind your fridge.

One might ask: what reckless wind stirs this altcoin now? Enter Axel Bitblaze, a pseudonymous seer from the cryptic bazaar of X — a place where hope and sarcasm share coffee and insult the neighbors. Axel pets his digital charts, strokes his fake beard, and declares: “ETH is remembering itself!” Oh, to be young and traded again.