Cryptonews

Picture this: bonds yielding not even a whiff of interest, issued exclusively to the mysterious EVO FUND, each with the princely sum of $375,000 face value. “Interest?” you ask. “Absolutely not,” retorts Metaplanet, chin aloft, monocle in place. At maturity in November 2025, buyers receive precisely what they invested. No charming coupons, just a brisk handshake and—a trifle anticlimactically—their money back. Early redemption is permitted too, in case the spirit moves one (or panic, as is occasionally known).

And here we go again, folks: drama, drama, drama. The latest tempest in the Bitcoin teapot is the OP_RETURN policy changes coming to Bitcoin Core—the software that’s supposed to hold the digital gold standard together but is instead causing a bit of a stir. Enter Samson Mow, CEO of JAN3, with a radical solution: a fork! Yes, folks, a good ol’ Bitcoin Core fork to fix everything that’s wrong, because apparently, pushing through changes with the current structure is as effective as using a spoon to scoop water from a sinking ship.

The tale’s beginning? It was not Tolstoyan in grandeur, nor even Dostoevskian in desperation. No, it was simply Ran Neuner (a man not unlike the crafty stewards forever whispering nonsense in noble ears), founder of the curious Crypto Banter, who declared—on X, no less—that some new coin would appear within seventy-two hours. We have to appreciate the audacity! One wonders if, in imperial Russia, such declarations would have triggered duels or—far more likely—lengthy, melancholic discussions about fate and serfdom.

He hollered to all souls willing to listen: Uniswap—the ragtag, open-arms exchange—has shuffled, swapped, and rotated its way to $3 trillion in trading volume. That’s trillion, with a capital T, like the number of tumbleweeds you see after a crypto crash.

Last week served up a tidy $882 million in fresh capital thrown at all things digital and unspendable, nudging 2025’s grand total up to a pant-wetting $6.7 billion. To put that in perspective, that’s just one good crypto joke away from matching the early February record of $7.3 billion.

Picture this: XRP, gracefully tiptoeing inside a Symmetrical Triangle like an unwilling guest at a never-ending party. This pattern occurs when an asset consolidates between two trendlines that are slowly but surely marching towards each other. One slopes downward like it’s on a diet, while the other slopes up, fighting gravity with all its might.

Bitcoin’s doing that thing where it breaks out of a channel, but not in the sexy way anyone hopes for. It’s going bearish, and guess what? Suddenly, everyone’s talking about “profit taking” at $106,000. Are we all day traders now? Where did these people come from?

Sure, there were whispers (and tweets, and smoke signals) about corruption and political shenanigans, but who cares? The market is eating it up! TRUMP meme coin rocketed nearly 50% this month, which is almost as high as my cholesterol after a state dinner. Don’t worry: if you’re thinking of dumping your TRUMP tokens, there’s a *financial reason* not to. (It’s called blackmail, but with a nice suit.)

“Traders are feeling a little too confident about this $200 mark, having gone long on the June expiration last week,” quipped Greg Magadini, Amberdata’s director of derivatives. In a fittingly dramatic email, he revealed, “This was the biggest block trade of the week, totalling 50,000 contracts for a whopping $263,000 premium.”

But wait, there’s more! These top 220 holders will also be graced with a unique NFT collection, a digital treasure to flaunt in their virtual vaults. And for the rest of us mere mortals who dared to participate, well, an exclusive TRUMP NFT has been created. A token for the masses, perhaps?