Cryptonews

Not satisfied with merely turning American investing upside down like a confused kangaroo, Robinhood is reportedly thinking bigger-much bigger. According to some diligent humans at Bloomberg, the plan is to throw open the doors of their prediction palace to the rest of the planet. Because if there’s one thing that unites us all, it’s the unstoppable urge to bet on whether that political candidate will actually remember their name on election day, or if the crypto market will behave like a caffeinated squirrel on roller skates. 🐿️💸

But fear not, dear reader! The total loss was, in fact, less than the $163 million of August. So… um… progress, right? Of course, the number of attacks and their scale has risen to absurd levels. An alarming trend, wouldn’t you say? 📉

Apparently, ETFs are the new black-or should I say, green? 💵 Volatility Shares’ SOLT and SOLZ are up 4% monthly, which is basically the crypto equivalent of getting a promotion without having to deal with Pete from HR. Meanwhile, Rex-Osprey’s SSK is also flexing, proving that staking isn’t just for vampires. 🧛‍♂️ If these ETFs get approved, SOL might just throw a party bigger than Jenna Maroney’s birthday bash. 🎉

The poor thing is also dangerously close to snout-deep in a $900,000 fundraising bone, having fetched just $898,168 so far. Stay tuned to see if it can chew that number to bits.

Presently, BTC pirouettes above $114,000, having taken a not-so-delicate leap from September’s rather sorry lows near $106,000, as those diligent Investtech folks report. Market sage @Manofbitcoin proclaimed on X, “A break above the gloomy bearish structure signals the corrective drama may be bowing out,” invoking the mystical Elliott Wave analysis forecasting a breakout with all the gravitas of a Noël Coward wit.

Behold! The masses, ever fickle, cling to these digital tokens like drowning men to splinters, as values surge and recede with the cruel indifference of a godless universe. Regulations, that bureaucratic opiate, now cradles the fledgling industry in a grotesque parody of maternal care, as industries, retailers, and service providers-those pillars of modernity-rush to embrace the chaos. 🚀

Now, it must be confessed, this integration is not a mere folly of placing data upon a digital altar without cause. Nay, the benefits reveal themselves plainly: students no longer must endure the Sisyphean torment of clumsy cash payments that delay their noble quest for knowledge. Nor do their lessons vanish into thin air, for every victory upon the academic battlefield shall be etched eternally, visible to the eyes of employers and scholars alike-like the chronicles of old inscribed in stone, but infinitely more convenient.

The valiant ASTER, battered by market winds, clings desperately to its support zone at $1.60-$1.80-a last stand before a potential 35% rally, or a tragicomedy of errors? 🐉

If Monday’s crypto shenanigans are any hint of what October might bring, buckle up, folks! It’s like the market decided to throw a party, but forgot to invite the U.S. equities and metals. 🎉🚀