Bitcoin (BTC), that capitalist pig-dog of assets, stumbled 7.43% in a day, groveling near $112,517. Ethereum (ETH), ever the tragic poet, plunged 12.93% to $3,799-more dramatic than a Dostoevsky character. But Solana (SOL)? Ha! A 17.45% drop to $182.59. Even the Politburo couldn’t orchestrate such efficiency in misery.
Markets, ever the fickle audience, gasped and swooned like a scandalized noblewoman. The S&P 500 tumbled 2.7%, while crypto stocks? Ah, they plummeted like overripe melons from a market stall. Investors fled faster than a debtor from a tax collector! 💨
For the beleaguered investor, this shift heralded a new era of predictability, institutional exits, and a market that has finally traded its speculative lunacy for a semblance of sanity. Compliance, once a burden, has become the peculiar engine of performance.
Economist Timothy Peterson, rather dramatically, noted on that ghastly X platform that drops of more than 5% in October are “exceedingly rare”. Only four times in the past decade, you see. As if that makes it remotely reassuring! It’s all terribly exclusive, isn’t it?
Bitcoin, that touted marvel, slumped a paltry seven percent. Ethereum, not far behind, lost nearly twelve! And the lesser coins – Cardano, Dogecoin – why, they plummeted like a disgraced official from a high office, losing over twenty percent each! The cries of anguish, one imagines, were quite audible.
Behold the numbers! $45.8 trillion in pensions, enough to buy every avocado on Earth. Now, should Morgan Stanley’s 16,000 scribes (armed with spreadsheets and existential dread) whisper sweet markdowns into clients’ ears, the Bitcoin markets shall rise and fall like a disgruntled puppet. Institutions, dear reader, are not human. Institutions are forces of nature with a 401(k) obsession.
Friday, a day that began with the usual ennui of the markets, spiraled into chaos when Trump declared his 100% tariff. Prices cascaded lower in a flash crash, leaving traders clutching their ledgers and weeping into their tea. ☕️
Crypto analyst John Squire is basically playing the role of the hype man here, reposting Gilbertie’s praise for XRP on X (aka Twitter, but cooler, I guess). In his interview, Gilbertie went full-on “this is the crypto you actually want in your portfolio” mode, explaining why Teucrium went all in on XRP. And nope, it wasn’t because they’ve been sipping the crypto Kool-Aid-he actually thinks it’s a *game-changer*.
Oh, the drama! The Russian Central Bank has finally agreed to let a few lucky commercial banks dabble in the mystical world of crypto. But don’t get too excited! These “select” banks will be tightly shackled by a new web of regulations-because why not modernize finance, but with a dash of bureaucratic caution? This surprising twist comes after increasing pressure from Russia’s financial sector. They are trying to play catch-up with the rest of the world, while still clinging to their conservative crypto policy like a toddler with their blankie. 💼💰
Machado, that outspoken dame who’s been shouting from the rooftops about decentralized finance and those shiny digital doodads, was always destined to be the first “Bitcoin Nobel” laureate. Seriously, folks-she’s been hawking crypto as the magical lifeline for folks trapped in Venezuela’s financial freak show, where the government plays Monopoly with real money. Boom! 💥
