If approved by regulators and accepted by Exor, Tether said it would launch a public tender offer for the remaining shares at the same price, fully funded with its own capital. The company also committed to invest up to €1 billion to support and develop the club following completion. 💸
John Ameriks, the high priest of Vanguard’s quantitative equity temple, declared with a wave of his hand that Bitcoin lacks the sacred trinity of long-term investment virtues: income generation, compounding, and cash flow. “A mere plaything,” he intoned, “driven by the fickle whims of market sentiment and the fever dreams of speculators.” 🌪️
Oh, how charming-Interactive Brokers has finally decided to accept stablecoins, because nothing says “I’m a serious investor” like funding your account with a cryptocurrency that’s literally just a copy of the dollar. 🤯💰
In a blog post that reeked of both ambition and desperation, Pyth revealed it would dip into its DAO’s coffers, buying tokens with one-third of its revenue. This, they claimed, would “increase revenue and token purchases”-a logic as circular as a donut in a black hole. The network added, “[I]t’s time to rewrite the market data economy on a global level,” as if the world hadn’t already been rewritten by 10,000 other crypto projects with similar bravado.
Imagine that! Crypto companies, once the rebels of finance, now got shiny new badges that say “Official U.S. Banks.” No more sneaking around in shadows-these firms are now legit, sitting comfortably under the eagle-eyed eye of Uncle Sam’s banking bureaucracy. 🦅👀
The rally commenced with a steep rise in volume, and the growing participation, akin to a well-received proposal, strengthenth the confidence of investors as KTA reclaims its short-term structure. 📊
Speaking at the Solana Breakpoint conference, Figure executive chairman Mike Cagney declared, “We’re launching a new version of Figure equity on a public blockchain,” which, if we’re being honest, sounds less like a financial innovation and more like a very expensive game of Monopoly. 🎲
Meanwhile, Circle got its nod of approval, and stalwarts like BitGo, Fidelity, and Paxos gracefully pirouetted their state-chartered trust companies into the federal system, as the ever-diligent journalist Eleanor Terrett reported with a flair only slightly less dazzling than a peacock at a ball.
“Redeemable 1:1” is the magic spell Hex Trust casts, promising XRP deposits locked in custody like a miser’s treasure. Burn it when you’re done? Of course! But let’s not forget the KYC/AML hoopla-because nothing says “trust” like paperwork. The firm’s pitch? A 1:1-backed token, “built to support cross-chain utility and DeFi activity.” Translation: “We’re making money, but we’re very responsible.” 💼🔐
According to the wizards at CryptoQuant, memecoin dominance has plummeted to levels not seen since February 2024. That’s right, the era of “to the moon, bro!” seems to be more like “to the couch, bro.” Ki Young Ji, the CryptoQuant bigwig, put it bluntly: “Memecoin markets are dead.” Ouch. That’s gotta hurt more than stepping on a Lego barefoot. 🧱👣
