Naturally, the short-term traders are running around like chickens with their heads cut off. But hold onto your hats, folks-this might just be the crypto equivalent of a dramatic pause before the next act. Or, you know, the end of the world. One of the two.
Eleanor Terret, that vigilant chronicler of the congressional labyrinth, reports that the staffers-those faceless puppeteers-hope for a bipartisan miracle, a rare alignment of stars and sanity, led by their counterparts in the Agricultural sect. The true test, however, rests with Coinbase, that digital colossus whose abrupt retreat from support has cast a pall over proceedings. Their withdrawal, seemingly trivial to the untrained eye, threatens to derail the entire spectacle. Meanwhile, titans like Binance and Ripple, draped in the grandeur of Davos, express their enthusiastic support-perhaps as a courtesy or a veiled warning-adding to the chaos.
Grayscale Investments, that stalwart of crypto conservatism, has filed a Form S-1 with the U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission to repackage the Grayscale Near Trust into a spot exchange-traded fund, the company announced. The filing represents another step in the firm’s effort to transition legacy crypto trusts into regulated, retail-accessible products-though one might argue it’s less a revolution and more a rebranding of the same old schemes.
CoinMarketCap, that grand oracle of crypto chaos, proclaims the trading volume has ballooned by 10%-a statistic as meaningful as counting jellybeans in a hurricane. At press time (which, frankly, is always pressing), XRP slouched 0.73% to $1.90, a weekly plummet of 11.21% that would make even a seasoned trapeze artist clutch their safety net.
Experts, with their air of infallibility, declare these devices the ne plus ultra of crypto storage. By keeping private keys offline, they claim, one may avoid the slings and arrows of online brigands. But let us not be too hasty in our adulation. For even the most fortified of bastions has its Achilles’ heel, and the hardware wallet is no exception.
Building a crypto exchange, you see, is like trying to build a cathedral on quicksand while a chorus of skeptics chants doom. It’s not just code, my dear reader, it’s a ballet of reliability, a symphony of market forces, a tightrope walk between user experience and the ever-present specter of risk. Many a founder has proclaimed their exchange ambitions, only to be swallowed whole by the yawning chasm of execution.
If crypto were a school playground, memecoins would be the class clown – utterly useless but somehow the center of attention. They move on vibes, memes, and whether Elon Musk had his morning coffee. For some, they’re a gateway drug into crypto. For others, they’re just a way to lose money with style. Without further ado, here are the top 9 memecoins that will either make you a millionaire or leave you crying into your avocado toast in January 2026.
If Bitcoin doesn’t “break out” soon, DonAlt warns it’ll plummet toward $60k, which, honestly, sounds like a bear market holiday. But hey, maybe that’s just the universe telling us to invest in better coffee. His grand theory? If the “Greenland narrative” (whatever that means) continues, Bitcoin will sacrifice its short-term dreams of $150k to “accumulate” in ways that make your bank account weep.
Behold! The mighty BlackRock, that titan of finance, has been spotted sipping tea with Bitcoin, only to abruptly dash away, leaving the crypto realm in a tizzy. A scandal! A mystery! A full-blown panic!
This torrent of cash marks the largest weekly deluge since October 2025, a time when the world was still sane, or so we thought.
