Cryptonews

February brought the crown jewel of disasters: the $1.5 billion Bybit hack, a heist so audacious it made Ocean’s Eleven look like a kindergarten play. 🎭💎 Unlike its predecessors, this attack didn’t bother with smart contract bugs-it went straight for the jugular, compromising Safe wallet’s signing interface. CertiK, the industry’s oracle of doom, later confirmed that supply-chain attacks were the year’s most destructive force, siphoning $1.45 billion in just two incidents. Bybit, ever the optimist, promised full asset backing and launched a bounty program so grand it could rival a Hollywood blockbuster. 🕵️♂️🎬 Yet, the damage was done-exchanges now eye their infrastructure with the same paranoia one reserves for a suspicious neighbor. 🕵️♀️🔍

A whale has made a major investment in HYPE tokens on the HyperLiquid platform.

Meanwhile, demand surges like a caffeine-fueled coder at midnight – network activity hitting fever pitch. Builders and long-term miners are busy crafting their empires while the retail herd nibbles at bare bones. And yes, the on-chain dance is more intense than a ballroom contest – with smart contracts deploying in waves, like it’s 2025 all over again. We’re not just speculating; we’re building castles in the digital clouds, or so they hope. 🤓✨

Viral discussions on Chinese social media now show ¥60-66 million ($414,000-$455,000) homes in Shenzhen Bay being weighed directly against Bitcoin, Nvidia stock, and BNB. Not as symbols of status, but as competing assets in a global portfolio. 🏦💸📈

To grasp the magnitude of this policy farce, one need only gaze upon a (clearly fabricated) screenshot, a digital artifact of absurdity circulating on X, where the laws of logic are as malleable as a child’s clay. 🧠

The decree was etched into the digital tablets of their official X account on the eve of a new year, December 30, 2025. A date that will live in infamy-or obscurity, depending on whom you ask. 📅

The funding crash revealed more cracks in GameFi than my old Windows machine. After pulling in a hefty $147 million in Q1, GameFi cash flow was more sluggish than my Sunday afternoon. It briefly sprang back to $129 million in Q3, but by year-end, funding dried up like my patience. Studios ran out of runway faster than I run out of hot water. 🛬💸

A 5.7% plunge, a veritable hemorrhage of value in the calendar year of 2025. While the U.S. equities market danced to new heights, Bitcoin languished, its charm waning like a forgotten lullaby. 🎄

“Oh, what a lovely thought! 😏” Professor Havard would croon into his headset, dressed in all-black clothing (always! Who knows, perhaps he’s just obsessed with shadows?) and claiming, “Madam, your account is compromised unless I help you transfer funds to my secure vault™.” Meanwhile, the victims-utterly trustworthy creatures who probably still send birthday cards to their elementary school teachers-trusted him implicitly until their coins were gone, like cotton candy in a hurricane.

The futures markets, they swell up! Like a bad plate of gefilte fish! Open interest up 7 percent in Bitcoin and Ethereum, totaling a leverage increase to a whopping $35 to $38 billion. All while everyone’s kvetching about the doom and gloom. You call this smart investing? I call it a recipe for heartburn.