Bitcoin’s October Slump: A Masterclass in Pretending to Care About Money 😂

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What to know, dear reader:

  • Bitcoin is currently behaving like a sloth on a caffeine IV drip-slow, jittery, and still not quite getting the memo about October’s usual chaos.
  • Its stubborn refusal to plummet below $111,000 is being hailed as “resilience,” which is more or less the same thing as “stubbornness.” Pick your metaphor!
  • Lekker Capital and 21Shares analysts are now playing the role of crypto prophets, insisting Bitcoin will soon “catch up to gold” like a toddler chasing a ice cream truck.

Bitcoin’s recent performance is a masterclass in how to lag behind gold and silver while still pretending you’re winning. Gold? Record highs. Silver? Also record highs. Bitcoin? Just… hovering near $111,500 like it’s waiting for a taxi in the middle of a desert. Meanwhile, ether and XRP are down 3%, and solana/dogecoin are doing the crypto equivalent of a clumsy interpretive dance. The universe is a glitch in the matrix, and we’re all just trying to cash out before it crashes.

Patience, Grasshopper

At the Digital Asset Summit in London (a place where people probably wear suits made of blockchain), Quinn Thompson of Lekker Capital delivered a cryptic prophecy: “Bitcoin will catch up to gold. It’ll be like November 2024 and October 2023 had a baby and named it ‘The Great Rally.’” Because nothing says “trust me” like a date that hasn’t happened yet.

Matt Mena of 21Shares added his two cents (or perhaps 0.00000001 BTC) by declaring Bitcoin’s durability “structural demand,” which sounds impressive until you realize it’s just code for “people keep buying it because they’re terrified of missing out.” With the Fed possibly cutting rates soon, Mena predicts Bitcoin could hit $150,000 by year-end. Or, as he might say, “the sky is no longer the limit-it’s just the starting line.”

The Federal Reserve, in all its infinite wisdom, released a Beige Book that basically said, “The labor market is soft, so let’s play economic chicken and see if we can avoid a crash.” Fed Chair Jerome Powell, ever the enigma, nodded along like he was reading Shakespeare. If central banking were a sport, we’d all be in the stands yelling, “Just cut the rates already!”

In the end, Bitcoin’s future is a cosmic joke written in hexadecimal. Will it rally? Will it crash? Will we all wake up and realize this is a simulation run by a bored alien child? The answers lie in the pockets of those who bought in at $111,500. Good luck, travelers. The universe is a strange place, and Bitcoin is just its most confusing emoji. 🚀💸

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2025-10-16 00:08