If there’s one thing you can always rely on in the world of Bitcoin, apart from rampant speculation and existential dread, it’s that the price will absolutely refuse to sit still for longer than a British queue. Once again, just as analysts everywhere had started to nervously mumble about “downward pressure,” Bitcoin did what Bitcoin does best: had an immediate existential crisis, dipped just low enough to start a Twitter panic, then rebounded as if it had simply tripped over its own shoelaces. Now it’s back puzzlingly close to its upper range, behaving like a cat who refuses to leave the windowsill.
The altcoins—those hopeful little satellites still clinging to the gravitational pull of Bitcoin like toddlers on the first day of school—mostly opted for an interpretative dance called “Sideways Shuffle.” Except HYPE and PI. These two went on a tear, presumably fuelled by either caffeine or optimism, both of which are always in short supply on crypto Twitter.
BTC Struts to $95,000 and Hangs Around Waiting for Applause
Bitcoin broke through the $90,000 mark last Tuesday and, true to form, decided this was much too interesting to let persist. By Friday, it swaggered all the way to $96,000, a move not seen since your last “new crypto all-time high” notification. That’s a $20,000 leap up since early April. Bitcoin’s market cap now sits comfortably around $1.89 trillion, which is roughly the GDP of several actual countries, and 61% dominance—meaning altcoins are feeling about as relevant as a yellow pages directory in 2025.
However, like an indecisive tourist stuck choosing between museums, BTC can’t seem to commit to any dramatic direction. For the last week, it has performed a sulky waltz in the tight corridor between $93,000 and $95,000. It dipped to the lower edge just to keep things spicy, found support, and now sits safely around $95K again. Whether this marks the “calm before the moonshot” or the “eye of the disappointment hurricane” remains anyone’s guess (but there are at least six podcasts making strong predictions, just in case).
HYPE: Now With 9% More Excitement 🤯
The altcoin scene looks like a roll call at a meeting for people trying to quit moving altogether: ETH, SOL, DOGE, TRX, and LINK are up just enough to remind us they exist; meanwhile, XRP, ADA, BNB, SUI, AVAX, and XLM are down slightly, apparently as a show of solidarity with your hopes and dreams.
Then there’s HYPE, which, true to its name, soared 8.5% to $20 and is now shouting “LOOK AT ME” from atop a hastily-constructed podium. PI joined the fun with a 5% rise to $0.6, which is especially exciting if you bought a million of them and have a calculator handy. VIRTUAL saw a downright suspicious 23% surge (possibly related to the simulation theory), along with CRV and the wonderfully named FARTCOIN both up around 10%—because nothing says “crypto ecosystem” quite like the scent of adolescent humor meeting market euphoria.
The grand total? The crypto market cap just bulked up by $25 billion overnight, now sitting pretty at $3.075 trillion—a figure that means everything, nothing, or possibly just the universe continuing its mad experiment while we all make memes about it. 🚀
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2025-05-01 11:33