Bitcoin Scandalizes World Markets as Trump’s Tariffs Push BRICS and Bulls to the Brink 😱

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  • Bitcoin nosedives beneath $108K as Trump’s tariff missiles ignite global panic and insomnia 🤯
  • Tariff deadlines wander like lost souls and BRICS brandish vague prophecies—markets light a candle

President Donald Trump, famed illusionist and conjurer of multilateral migraines, has done it again. One flick of his tariff wand, and global markets are so shaken, even the Kremlin’s chandeliers rattle. 💥

With a shudder, Bitcoin [BTC] — frequently advertised as “digital gold”, though with a temperament closer to a jittery greyhound at a firework display — is now flinching in harmony with mere mortals like stocks.

If this is a safe haven, then I am Rasputin’s hairdresser.

Bitcoin’s Knees Buckle While Trump Juggles Tariffs

There it was: a mighty Bitcoin rally, suddenly upended on July 7th. As Trumponomics struck, she plummeted under $108,000, elegance abandoned like a suitcase in a Moscow railway station. The cause? Papa Trump, fingers sticky from Twitter, slaps 25% duties on Japanese and South Korean imports, presumably because North Korea wasn’t exporting enough Che Guevara t-shirts.

But no, our hero does not stop there! Malaysia, Kazakhstan, and South Africa, too, are lassoed onto America’s grand trade carousel, with tariffs leaping from 25% to 40%. Investors, lacking the steel nerves of a Moscow taxi driver, panic.

Bitcoin, hubristic as a poet in spring, suffers accordingly—crashing with the grace of an inebriated circus acrobat. Of course, in a plot twist Bulgakov himself would envy, BTC manages a comeback, trading at $108,899 as if nothing had happened. Bravo, cryptocurrency! 🎪

Stocks and Crypto Tango in the Red

Tariffs landed, consequences diverged. Bitcoin’s chart mirrored the S&P 500’s—two lovers united by a mutual loathing of tariffs and spontaneous financial combustion.

Japanese carmakers—Toyota, Honda—crashed spectacularly, reminding us that in trade wars, it’s always the cars that get keyed first.

The U.S. dollar, meanwhile, ascended on a golden cloud, flexing against the yen and the won, while investors scrambled to buy anything not manufactured in a trade-exposed country—like artisanal tap water.

Deadlines That Walk Like Phantoms

And just when you thought the market had outwitted uncertainty, the White House pushed the tariff deadline to August 1st—practically inviting traders to chew their fingernails down to the elbows.

Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt, in her best tragicomic performance, addressed the assembled media,

“President Trump is determined to bring reciprocal balance to trade, and the new timeline ensures our partners have every opportunity to reach fair agreements…”

Translation: nobody move; we have no idea what’s next!

Beneath all this chaos, Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent urges calm, assuring the world that Trump cares about “quality, not quantity” in deals—words as reassuring as being handed a parachute stitched by Ivan the Terrible.

Markets now wait, twitch, and rub their temples, savoring the delicious uncertainty—because, as always, tomorrow promises even stranger news.

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2025-07-09 00:22