In the grey labyrinth of industry and ambition, a new survey by the venerable Cambridge institution—yes, that same Cambridge that conjured up Newton and the cold fog—declares that America, land of nervous millionaires and cable news, now claims a titanic 75.4% of the world’s reported Bitcoin hashrate.
As if intoxicated by the aroma of digital gain, America sets herself to nurture and coddle her mining industry with the care of a Dostoevskian matron fussing over her existentially anxious son. The question: who mines whom? And as always, who will pay the electricity bill?
In Which Cambridge Confirms America’s Place at the Table, and Peasant Nations Look On
The latest Cambridge Digital Mining Industry Report leaves no doubt: the United States, swollen with digital power and existential dread, sits atop the Bitcoin mining pile. The survey, conducted from June to September 2024 (a span of three months and 9,000 moral crises), saw 49 participants out of 97, setting a precedent in both statistical rigor and rampant disillusionment.
The numbers are almost obscene in their confidence. America is, for once, not second to anybody except perhaps her own self-doubt.
“Survey results further indicate that the US has solidified its position as the largest global mining hub (75.4% of reported activity),” intones the report, as if reading the last rites for Kazakhstan’s Bitcoin dreams.
Canada—stoic, maple-infused, and apologetic—claims 7.1%. Paraguay, Norway, and Kazakhstan fight over the scraps with 3.4%, 2.8%, and 2.6%. Of course, cynics (and Dostoevsky, if he cared for numbers) would point out the futility here: “Ah, but the data, dear readers, is hopelessly America-centric!” And indeed, whispers Cambridge, the sample may have exaggerated Uncle Sam’s muscle.
Outside the fog of optimism, the Hashrate Index, probably run by hard-nosed nihilists, suggests the US only has 36.0%. For Americans, this is both a victory and a cause for a six-part podcast series exploring their national identity.
Let There Be Light! (And Waste Gas): America’s Grand Energy Dream
America, never content with half-measures or half-lit rooms, sets out to empower her miners. So says Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick, who, to the muted applause of bureaucrats and Bitcoin cowboys alike, recently announced the “United States Investment Accelerator.”
This initiative: a bureaucratic symphony designed to help Bitcoin miners plug their servers directly into anything sparking voltage—with, apparently, presidential blessing.
March 31: President Trump, pen in hand, signs an executive order. The same pen once doodled on fast food menus.
Lutnick, brimming with verve (or maybe caffeine), promises miners a kind of manifest destiny—build your own power plant, saddle up, mine your Bitcoin, and gaze into the abyss.
“We’re going to make it if you want to mine Bitcoin and you find the right place to do it. You can build your own power plant next to it,” quoth Lutnick, perhaps with a glint of mad scientist in his eye.
Energy independence, then, becomes the new American dream—not just for miners, but for everyone who ever yelled at their electricity bill. The twist: powering these blockchains with waste gas from gas fields. Not quite the stuff of Victorian novels—more like an overcaffeinated Dostoevsky character lighting a candle with a Molotov cocktail.
“The next generation of miners in America will be able to control their destiny, control the cost of power, and I think that is going to turbocharge uh Bitcoin mining in America,” Lutnick claims, apparently unaware that destiny also controls you, and that destiny, as a rule, doesn’t own a gas field.
No surprise, companies have started elbowing each other in anticipation. Cleanspark is at the door in Tennessee, waiting for a permit with the patience of a gambler at a church service. Regulations are friendly, energy is cheap, everybody is thrilled except perhaps the neighbors—and Mother Nature, who has stopped picking up America’s calls.
Add a touch of old money and new audacity—Eric and Donald Trump Jr. are in the minecart now, partners in a firm called American Bitcoin Corp. This is not parody. The aim: strategic reserve. The ambition: public offering. The mood: surreal optimism, with undertones of “Wait, are we allowed to do this?”
Tariffs, Troubles, and the Eternal Return of Bitcoin Angst
Behind the curtain of exuberance, challenge lurks. More mining means more hashrate; so much growth in Q4 2024, said CoinShares, the report sounds almost suspiciously cheerful.
“The Bitcoin mining industry has largely shrugged off halving-related concerns, with network hashrate accelerating sharply in Q4 2024. This surge was driven by a combination of favourable political developments and a strong price rally, propelling the hashrate to a record high of 900 Eh/s,” the report notes, presumably while sipping lukewarm tea and clutching a stress ball.
The future looks…exponential. CoinShares wagers the universe might see 1 ZH/s by July 2025, doubling in two years if reality doesn’t intervene with one of its famous plot twists.
But: there are tariffs—the perennial miasma clouding American confidence. Importing mining rigs becomes a tragicomedy of rising costs, especially those from Southeast Asia. Tariffs from 24% in Malaysia to a Dostoevskian 54% in China! This is less “market efficiency” and more “notes from underground.”
Outdated equipment, rising expenses, miners sweating under the existential weight of declining profitability. The great American hashrate dream teeters on the edge—a bit like Raskolnikov’s sanity.
“Q1 results could disappoint as hash price continued its decline due to Bitcoin trading in a narrow range between US$80,000 and US$90,000. Q2 results may show deterioration, as tariffs on imported mining rigs range from 24% (Malaysia) to 54% (China). Miners relying on older or less efficient rigs face higher exposure to these tariffs,” mutter the analysts, pulling their collars tighter.
Yet, hope persists in the crevices of American financial yearning. Bitcoin—once an experiment—is now bandied about as the hedge against inflationary nightmares and the peculiar devaluation of the dollar. Multiple US states consider it a reserve asset, which, in Dostoevskian terms, is about as safe as hiding your money beneath the floorboards and expecting the landlord not to notice. 🪙💸
America, in short, stands atop a digital mountain surrounded by admirers, skeptics, and a suspiciously large number of extension cords. The future beckons—with anxiety, with bravado, and with the strange optimism only a nation in the midst of an existential crisis could love. 😂🤖
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2025-04-29 14:32