Billions in Crypto: A Modern Farce of Capitalism 🎭

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Amid the endless parade of digital tokens and venture capital delirium, the week of November 2-8, 2025, coughed up $1.015 billion in crypto funding across 21 projects. Leading the charge was Ripple Labs, which somehow convinced humans to trade $500 million for a digital ledger entry. 🎉

  • Ripple raised $500M at a $40B valuation, because why not? 🤷♂️
  • Lava followed with $200M, because “decentralized payments” is a phrase that still means nothing. 💸
  • Canaan, Future Holdings, and Fomo secured key rounds, proving institutional investors are just gamblers in tailored suits. 🏦

Payment infrastructure and stablecoin solutions dominated the investment sector this week. Or as we call it: the art of pretending blockchain solves problems invented by blockchain. Here’s a breakdown of this week’s absurdist theater:

Ripple Labs (XRP)

  • Ripple raised $500 million in a “strategic round” 🚀
  • The funds were raised with a fully diluted valuation of $40 billion, which is roughly the GDP of a small island nation.
  • Backed by Fortress Investment Group, Haun Ventures, and Pantera-three names that sound like law firms from a dystopian novel.

Lava

  • Secured $200 million in an “unknown round” 🤪
  • Investors include Anthony Pompliano, a man whose name sounds like a Ponzi scheme in a Shakespearean play, and Eric Jackson, who clearly needs more drama in his life.
  • Lava has raised $227.5 million so far. Still waiting for their “lava” metaphor to make sense.

Canaan Creative

  • Raised $72 million in a “strategic round”-a phrase that now means “we’re not telling you anything.” 🤐
  • Backed by Brevan Howard, Galaxy Digital, and Weiss Capital. Fun fact: None of these firms own a galaxy.
  • Canaan has raised $245 million so far. Maybe they’ll buy a real galaxy next.

Future Holdings

  • Gathered $35 million in an “unknown round” 🤷♀️
  • Investors include Falcon Ventures, Nakamoto+, and Tobam-names that could double as Bond villains.

Commonware

  • Raised $25 million in an “Unknown round” 🔥
  • Backed by Tempo, a name that suggests they’re racing to the bottom of innovation.

Fomo

  • Secured $17 million in a Series A round 🤡
  • Backed by Benchmark, which clearly benchmarks their own gullibility.

Projects Under $15 Million

  • Donut, $15 million in a seed round. 🍩
  • KapKap, $10 million in a seed round. 🌱
  • Standard Money, $8 million in a strategic round. 🎯
  • Liquid, $7.6 million in a seed round. 💧
  • XTAO, $7.3 million in an unknown round. 🤷♂️
  • Tatakai, $7 million in an angel round. 👼
  • Harmonic, $6 million in a seed round. 🎶
  • Sprinter, $5.2 million in a seed round. 🏃♂️
  • Kyo Finance, $5 million in a Series A round with $100 million fully diluted valuation. 🐌
  • Zynk, $5 million in a seed round. 🐛
  • zkPass, $2 million in a public sale. 🎟️
  • BitDealer, $1 million in a public sale with $35 million fully diluted valuation. 🕵️♂️
  • 3F Labs, $750,000 in an angel round. 🌟
  • Aria Protocol, $600,000 in a public sale. 🎤
  • Monorail, $250,000 in a public sale. 🚂

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2025-11-08 15:49