In the hushed precincts of the SEC-an institution otherwise employed in making grown bankers cry-another S-1 has fluttered down like an overcooked soufflé. It appears that Chamath Palihapitiya, that velvet-jacketed Puck of Silicon Valley, has glued together yet another blank-cheque company. Yes, darlings, another SPAC-because why cure malaria when you can mint fees? 😘
Sectors So Strategic They Could Sell You a Bridge
The brochure now speaks of “strategic sectors for the 21st century”-a phrase so grandiose it practically arrives in a tuxedo. Translation: anything buzzy enough to make CNBC hyperventilate on live television. We are promised mergers with singular (for which read “solitary and possibly imaginary”) businesses in AI, DeFi, energy, and defense. One half expects fire-breathing unicorns and nuclear hamsters to appear on slide deck #37.
“Energy is at the forefront,” the filing intones, by which it means scalable nuclear, artisanal geothermal, and organic, gluten-free solar. Presumably the paperwork will be printed on kale.
AI comes next, trotted out like a dachshund in a diamond collar. Groq, 8090 and others are summoned to prove Palihapitiya’s eye for acronyms-all promising to “modernize the enterprise,” a euphemism for persuading middle-management to trade staplers for cloud subscriptions.
DeFi is hailed as the natural evolution of money itself, which is rather like presenting hangovers as the natural evolution of champagne. The circle-jerk reference to Circle (geddit?) is slipped in so smoothly one can almost hear the champagne cork.
Defense, meanwhile, is no longer impolite at dinner parties-especially if it comes with autonomous drones, climate-tech varnish, and Saildrone robo-boats gliding about like polite but heavily armed ducklings.
Why This Particular SPAC Is Wearing Sunglasses Indoors 🤦♂️
Mr. Palihapitiya, ever allergic to understatement, rails against the IPO as a mechanism designed by sadists for the benefit of tax accountants. He contends that SPACs are kinder and gentler-rather like euthanasia administered by a sky-high management fee. By whisking garage-dwelling startups straight onto the ticker tape, he believes the Republic will flourish, the workers will rejoice, and he himself will… well, prosper-the noblest form of patriotism.
His earlier SPACs-Virgin Galactic (currently somewhere between Earth and a PowerPoint slide), Opendoor, and Clover Health-have already offered the investing public a master class in volatility rarely seen outside a Jesuit seminary wine cellar.
Now, armed with optimism, bespoke socks, and slides cunningly titled Vision 2033+, our hero invites us aboard the latest spaceship. Buckle up-gravity is optional, results may vary, and the exit row is reportedly under construction. 🚀✨
Disclaimer: None of the above constitutes advice, financial or moral. For best results, consult your priest, your broker, or at least the horoscope page-ranked in ascending order of reliability.
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2025-08-19 14:50