Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive! A certain billion-dollar bank, which shall remain nameless (but let’s face it, we all know who I’m talking about), has graciously decided to part with a cool $29.5 million. Why, you ask? Well, it seems they’ve been accused of repossessing vehicles without the courtesy of a little note. How terribly un-British of them! 😂
According to the latest gossip from the settlement portal, our dear Five Star Bank will be compensating those unfortunate souls whose car loans took an unexpected turn for the worse between May 16th, 2011, and September 30th, 2021. It’s almost like a decade-long game of hide-and-seek, but with cars and no one winning. 🚗🔍
The class action lawsuit, a veritable soap opera of legal drama, claims that the bank failed to adhere to the good old laws of Pennsylvania and New York by not notifying borrowers after their beloved vehicles were whisked away. How dreadfully inconsiderate! 🙄
However, in true British fashion, the bank maintains its innocence and denies any wrongdoing. They insist they met all legal requirements, thank you very much. It’s almost as if they’re saying, “We did nothing wrong, but here’s some money just to be polite.” 🎩💰
The settlement reads, with all the flair of a Shakespearean tragedy:
“The Bank has agreed to create a Settlement Fund of $29,500,000.00. Court-approved Class Counsel fees and expenses, service awards for the Class Representatives, and expenses of settlement administration will be paid from that fund. Then, the Net Fund that remains will be distributed to the members of the Class.”
Moreover, the settlement will wipe out any supposed shortfall the bank claims is owed after the car was repossessed. No action required-just sit back, relax, and let the justice system do its thing. 🍾🎉
A court will convene on November 4th to decide if this grand gesture is indeed fair and just. In the meantime, Five Star Bank, the 204th largest US bank with $6.1 billion of assets under management, continues to thrive. Or so they say. 🤷♂️
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2025-08-23 00:34