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Yep, thanks to President Trump and Executive Order 14178 (sounds like a bad Star Wars droid), the feds want “public input” on how to stop the crypto bad guys while still letting stablecoins like USDT and USDC frolic in the digital prairie. Because nothing says “cutting-edge finance” like filling out an online comment card, right? 🎰

This “Terrorizers 111 Group” – honestly, the name alone…- wanted five grand in crypto. Like, seriously? Five grand for a bit of digital mischief? Bit low effort, wouldn’t you say? They claimed to have planted pipe bombs and, get this, “advanced explosive devices.” Pretty dramatic. The police, thankfully, had a look around and discovered… absolutely nothing. A complete waste of everyone’s time. But hey, at least the cyber forensic teams have something to do, chasing digital ghosts.

The second attempt to garner consensus amongst these creditors, a process as tedious and fraught with uncertainty as a landowner negotiating with tax collectors, concluded on August 6th. A staggering, *almost* unanimous 95.7% of them, judging by the count of heads, and 94.6% if one measures by the value of their claims (which, naturally, is the more important metric), have declared their support. One almost feels pity for the small minority who dared to dissent; they likely sought a more… *robust* repayment plan, perhaps involving the confiscation of the hackers’ ill-gotten gains, a pursuit as likely to succeed as capturing smoke with a sieve. Of the nearly 150,000 souls who laid claim to a portion of the missing funds – amounting to a rather impressive $206.8 million, one wonders where such wealth resided before its digital disappearance – nearly 143,000, representing $195.7 million, have essentially resigned themselves to waiting, and hoping.

The IPO plan involves selling 25 million shares at $10 each under the ticker AEXA on the New York Stock Exchange. Chamath’s SPAC aims to merge with a business in his “historical areas of expertise,” which presumably includes making money, starting SPACs, and occasionally tweeting about Bitcoin. But this time, he’s pivoting to decentralized finance (DeFi), because apparently, Bitcoin is so 2021. According to Chamath, DeFi could be the key to maintaining US global leadership for the next century. Because nothing screams “leadership” like blockchain jargon and volatile crypto markets.

Earlier this month, the company whispered its secrets confidentially, joining a chorus of crypto firms eager to play market debutantes – all under the watchful eyes of a Trump administration that apparently thinks cryptocurrency is the new jazz. Meanwhile, the glorious Circle Internet Group amassed a fortune-because what’s more comforting than a stablecoin?-and the hopeful crypto world plotted its ascent like hopeful prom queens.

Behold! Toncoin hath kissed the heavens at $8.25 in June 2024-only to tumble forthwith like a courtier tripping on his own ruffled sleeves. By July’s end, it wobbled to $3.56, as if drunk on weak mead.🍷

Because of course tech giants and crypto bros are now besties, repurposing mining rigs for AI like it’s a Silicon Valley garage sale. 🖥️⛏️

Last week, ETH spot ETFs recorded around 649,000 ETH in net inflows, according to Glassnode data. This marked the largest weekly inflow to date, with Ethereum closing near 4,500 dollars before briefly touching 4,740 dollars. Talk about making headlines! 📈

Apparently, about one in four Singaporeans now owns some kind of digital asset. One in four! That’s either impressive or terrifying-depending on how much they lost during the last crypto crash. Anyway, Volkswagen is responding to this trend by offering what they call “modern and flexible ways to pay.” Flexible? Really? Last time I checked, paying with something that could drop 20% overnight wasn’t exactly my definition of flexibility.

In an act perhaps most fitting for a Greek tragedy (or a Silicon Valley sequel), cryptocurrency exchange Gemini has dared to file its paperwork with the U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission, confidently aiming to go public. Alas, there lurks a problem so conspicuous that only a true financier could overlook it: the firm is hemorrhaging cash faster than a beleaguered poet drinks absinthe. 💸