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Pecore’s magical thinking revolves around the institutional parade of big-money giants. He insists that despite Bitcoin’s dramatic wobble from $126,500 to $60,000 (almost like a rollercoaster operated by a sugar-crazed goblin), the banks and fat cats are still hopping on board, preparing for a leap that would make a kangaroo jealous. According to Pecore, expecting a smashing year and “new historical highs” is about as reasonable as a chocolate teapot-well, maybe even more reasonable.

Now, brace yourselves: these institutions can offer over 260 tokenized stocks, ETFs, and commodities. Yes, over 260. I can barely remember 10 things on my shopping list, but sure, go ahead and manage 260 tokenized assets. You do you.

The approach, we are told, is a gradual wind-down, not an immediate liquidation. How considerate! One imagines the miners, still humming away, their days numbered like the last pages of a forgotten novel. The shift, of course, is part of a broader trend-bitcoin miners repurposing their energy infrastructure for AI workloads. How delightfully utilitarian! Bitfarms, ever the trendsetter, aims to begin its AI-driven revenue stream in 2027. Until then, one supposes, it shall content itself with selling its remaining coins “opportunistically into strength.” How very Wildean-to turn even financial strategy into a matter of aesthetic choice.

Binance’s Changpeng Zhao (CZ) has made his stance clear on the topic of quantum computing’s potential to destroy cryptocurrency: it’s no big deal, but let’s not pretend it’s going to be a smooth ride. In a tweet on Tuesday, he gave the crypto world a deep sigh of relief, stating that existing systems can, in theory, transition to quantum-resistant cryptography. The problem, of course, is in the execution. It’s less about “Can it be done?” and more about “Who thought this was a good idea?”

Bitcoin has been playing it cool lately, trading in its little comfort zone between $62,000 and $75,000 like someone trying to pretend they’re not freaked out by the world. It’s holding steady, even though everything else feels like a dumpster fire. But let’s not get too excited-sentiment across the crypto space is still “meh.”

Cardano (ADA) experienced a price decrease of over 4%, falling from $0.25 to $0.24 on Tuesday, March 31, according to crypto.news data. Over the past week, the token’s value has dropped almost 9%, and it’s down over 30% since the start of the year. This price drop comes after Cardano launched Midnight, a privacy-focused side chain, on its main network yesterday.

Dubai’s Virtual Assets Regulatory Authority (VARA) has unveiled a detailed Exchange Services Rulebook. It is as if the emirate said: “Yes, you may play with crypto, but do not think for a moment that chaos is acceptable.”

But now, naturally, the question everyone is asking: Is this just another fakeout, a trickster of the market, or perhaps… something of greater significance?

Our coin has tumbled below the modest support of $1.40, which had held with some forbearance throughout March, and now flirts perilously with $1.30. One might almost feel sympathy, were it not for the alarming proximity to the February low of $1.20. A large descending channel, as obstinate as a disapproving aunt, remains perfectly intact. Meanwhile, the 100-day and 200-day moving averages, lofty in their superiority at $1.70 and $2.00 respectively, look down upon the market with unconcealed disdain.

According to the fabled CoinGlass oracle, Bitcoin has dragged along a frightful streak of five successive monthly losses. The months of October through February have breathed out a slow, almost theatrical exhale of: -3.69%, -17.67%, -2.97%, -10.17%, -14.94%. Slightly more cheerful, March is tentatively perched at +0.88%. A red close today and we will set forth a sixth consecutive month of bruising losses.