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Now, before you start panicking and hoarding your digital coins like they’re the last packets of ramen on Earth, Coinbase assures us that this is all part of the plan. They’re being very mysterious about how long the upgrade will take, but they’re estimating it might only last for a few hours. So, don’t worry, you won’t miss out on any crypto drama for long. As an extra bonus, they’ll keep you updated with reminders and the latest gossip on their official status page. 🧐

Congratulations to everyone who bought in before the “miracle” started. Too bad the party might crash faster than your ex’s Netflix password. COAI’s red flag? It’s waving so hard, it’s got its own TikTok dance. 🕺

This dazzling financial contrivance, known portentously as T. Rowe Price Active Crypto ETF, can juggle between five and fifteen crypto tokens like a financial Cirque du Soleil. It’s designed to dance nimbly according to market tunes and valuation whispers, all while trading on NYSE Arca-those hallowed halls of stock ritual. With a staggering $1.8 trillion in assets, yes, trillion, they think they can outshine that dull old FTSE Crypto US Listed Index which, apparently, tracks the top ten US cryptocurrencies that the SEC deems suitable for polite society. Bravo, old chaps, your ambitions shine brighter than a bitcoin mining rig in July!

Welfare, no stranger to the world of risk assets, is practically rubbing his hands together with glee at the thought of what’s coming. According to him, cryptocurrencies are the head of the class when it comes to rate-cut environments. History tells us that when rates go up, safe assets like money market funds attract trillions of dollars from investors too scared to risk it all on the wild west of the markets.

By Shayan, because someone has to be the voice of reason in this chaos.

The report emphasizes that Pyongyang not only excels at theft but also possesses sophisticated methods for liquidating the illicit gains. 🕵️‍♂️💰

Chris Larsen, the Ripple co-founder, has siphoned $764 million from XRP since 2018-a gilded cage of cryptocurrency, if ever there was one. 🕵️‍♂️

Led by the illustrious Telecom Liechtenstein, with a coterie of launch partners including Bank Frick, Bitcoin Suisse, Solstice, and Zilliqa, this majority-state-owned initiative is the epitome of public-private romance. 🌹 Early suitors such as Inacta Group, LUKSO Foundation, QPQ, and Swiss Subnet have already pledged their troth, ensuring a grand ball of blockchain bliss. 💍

“I’m proud to announce…” wrote Francis Zhou, Quantum’s founder, on X, as if this weren’t the most unhinged business strategy since someone decided to sell “diamond hands” as a service. His company now boasts 3,865.84 ETH, valued at $14.8 million, which is either genius or a cry for help. 🤷

Institutional investors poured $619M into Bitcoin and Ethereum ETFs, showing renewed confidence in crypto despite broader market volatility. A curious spectacle, really-like watching a troupe of penguins march into an ice cream shop during a heatwave.