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The market, that fickle beast, had other plans. Analyst Benjamin Cowen, a man who probably has a towel permanently slung over his shoulder, pointed out that when Gensler stepped down, Bitcoin was lounging around $109,000. Fast forward to today, and it’s closer to $75,000. That’s not just a drop; it’s a full-on plunge into the Restaurant at the End of the Universe’s black hole.

BingX’s TradFi suite, now encompassing over 100 traditional financial instruments, is a testament to its ambition. The addition of TradingView integration, while laudable, raises the question: why stop at crypto when one can trade forex and stocks with equal fervor?

The CFTC’s approval? A golden ticket for Gemini to flex its trading muscles-because who needs third-party clearinghouses when you can handle everything in-house? Spoiler: nobody.

CoinDesk Indices presents its daily market update, a parchment-thin forecast of the performance of leaders and laggards in the CoinDesk 20 Index. It’s all very serious, except for the bits where the numbers behave like startled pigeons.

Once upon a time-let’s say 2021-an OG whale (a term I use with the utmost disdain for their greed) spent $13,760 to acquire 103 trillion SHIB tokens. That’s nearly 20% of the circulating supply, which, at its peak, could have bought you a small island, a yacht, or a lifetime supply of existential dread. Over the years, this whale has dabbled in the art of selling, pocketing $37.6 million and then a sprightly $5 million more recently. Now, they hold 99.27 trillion coins, while their profit (including those “unrealized” gains, which sound suspiciously like wishful thinking) exceeds $660 million. A 48,000x return? Why yes, thank you. It’s the kind of arithmetic that makes accountants weep into their teacups.

On June 14, 2023, the gates of withdrawal were closed as if the sea itself had decided to seal the harbor. From that hour, a tale begins to be told of misappropriation, an account that prosecutors say swelled to about 250 billion Korean won-roughly 180 million dollars-from some 2,800 investors, spanning a long horizon from August 2021 to June 2023. And as the market’s illusions persisted, the people were obliged to learn once more that appearances, however glittering, may be counterfeit coin when held in the dim light of a courtroom and a conscience that is not awake.

AllUnity, a joint venture backed by DWS, Flow Traders, and Galaxy Digital (GLXY), took its euro-backed stablecoin, EURAU, to the Solana blockchain. A high-speed network, they say. We say, “How charming, but do hurry up-our patience is as thin as a British bank’s credit.”

Now, the real kicker: MEGA started tradin’ on big exchanges after the network hit its first “look ma, we’re not just scribblin’ on a napkin” milestone. MegaETH took to the town crier’s platform X to holler, “MEGA-Now Trading!” Like announcing a circus come to town. Tokens got handed out by 7 a.m. ET, sharp as a tack.

Ripple, with the subtlety of a marching band, declared on April 30 the opening of a new Middle East and Africa regional headquarters inside the Dubai International Financial Centre. The official press release, written with the precision of a sleepwalker, states this expansion will “create capacity to double the regional team.” One wonders if this means more coffee machines or simply more existential dread.

All this news hit the wires faster than a gossip in a small town on Wednesday, as Alphabet, Meta, Amazon, and Microsoft spilled their financial guts. These four tech titans are still at the heart of an AI infrastructure buildout that’s costing more than a king’s ransom-trillions, they say. Trillions!