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Over the weekend, our silver-tongued maestro graced X with his latest riddle: “Green Dots ₿eget Orange Dots.” By Monday, the curtain had lifted, revealing a grand unveiling-Strategy’s USD reserve now a gilded $2.19 billion, thanks to a Form 8-K that reads like a Shakespearean soliloquy. The funds? A sprightly $748 million from at-the-market sales of Class A stock. Balance-sheet flexibility? Of course. Bitcoin hoarding? Still very much the plot twist we adore.

Oh, what grand endeavors does the company embark upon! On the fateful day of December 23, Aster shall unveil the fifth phase of its ASTER buyback program, a venture so audacious it might rival the exploits of ancient heroes. With the dedication of 80% of daily platform fees, it seeks to repurchase tokens, a task … Read more

According to Bloomberg (yes, the same folks who tell you the stock market is “just fine” while it’s doing the financial equivalent of the Macarena), the city’s regulator is reviewing its risk-based capital regime. Why? To “support the insurance industry and economic development,” of course. Because nothing says “economic stability” like betting on something that could either moon or rug pull before your morning coffee. ☕

Glassnode, that unblinking eye, peers into the abyss of XRP’s soul: 52% of tokens bask in profit, while the rest drown in red ink. A mirror of 2024’s collapse, when rallies withered like frostbitten crops. When half your army marches wounded, retreat is not cowardice-it’s arithmetic. 🚨

These new edicts, penned with the solemnity of a war treaty, demand that insurers hold capital equal to their crypto holdings-a fortress against the tempests of volatility. Yet stablecoins, those half-tamed beasts, may yet waltz closer to the fire, provided they are tamed by Hong Kong’s regulatory leash. Ah, the IA! What wisdom lies in its caution? Perhaps it whispers to the insurers: “Dance, but do not trip; profit, but do not perish.”

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Pushers and pullers in the market seem to have gone on strike, and confidence? Well, it’s weaker than your favorite old loaf of bread. The cryptocurrency’s attempt to turn the tide is as hopeful as a vampire at a garlic festival. 🧛‍♂️🧄

Apparently, Schiff’s latest commentary suggests that Bitcoin voters are merely pawns in a pyramid scheme, “voting to bolster the bullish narrative,” because, after all, who wouldn’t want to build castles on the shifting sands of crypto? 🏗️

Under this draft plan, crypto assets shall bear a 100% risk capital charge-a burden so heavy, one might think they’re carrying the weight of the entire blockchain on their shoulders! 🏋️♂️ Insurers, those prudent souls, must now hold capital equal to the full value of their crypto holdings. A prudent move, or a recipe for financial farce? Only time will tell. 🕰️

The golden hoard, that ancient relic, grows steadily, doubling every 47 years with the patience of a glacial advance. Yet what of the New World’s curse? When El Dorado’s dust once choked Europe’s coffers, empires crumbled beneath the weight of their own greed. 🏰💥 Kratter chuckles, “Astronomical finds-on Earth or beyond-may yet turn your treasure to lead.”