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Having narrowly avoided a scandalous fall beneath $91,000, Bitcoin-ever the dramatic protagonist-launched another spirited advance toward $92,500 and even dared $94,000, as if seeking approval from high society. Alas, the bears, those dour and joyless relations, intervened near $94,583, compelling a polite but firm retreat-halfway down the Fib retracement level from the recent upswing (from $89,545 to $94,583), like a proper withdrawal after an overeager declaration of interest.

This enterprise, hatched in the fertile mind of Mr. Vivek Ramaswamy (a gentleman of many pursuits, and, one suspects, an enviable collection of silk scarves) in 2022, intends to utilize these funds-rather vaguely termed, I notice, as “general corporate purposes”-which include, crucially, the acquisition of more of the aforementioned ‘Bitcoin and Bitcoin-related products.’ A description so precise, yet so deliciously opaque. And, of course, for “working capital.” One imagines this involves a great deal of counting.

This dwindling of exchange reserves, it is suggested, signifies a confidence in the digital gold. A clever way, indeed, to avoid the prying eyes and grasping hands of the marketplace. Though, if one were to be cynical (and a good novelist must be cynical!), one might suspect a simple desire for independence, a rebellion against the centralizing forces of modern finance. Or maybe, they just don’t trust those exchange fellows. 🧐

These deals are essentially banks playing a high-stakes game of “pass the parcel,” buying crypto from one party and handing it over to another-like a slightly less exciting game of hot potato, but with way more zeros on the screen. The banks hold very little in the way of assets, which is fortunate, considering they’re basically acting as the digital equivalent of a diligent courier, not a finance powerhouse. 📦💸

Ah, the stablecoin! That curious beast, neither fish nor fowl, yet somehow the lifeblood of this new financial order. Waidmann, with a flourish worthy of a Moscow satirist, declares that Ethereum’s stablecoin transfers have surged past the trillions, leaving traditional payment networks in the dust. Is this the revolution, or merely a carnival of numbers? 🤡💸

Investors are betting on a 0.25% rate cut with the enthusiasm of a group of pigeons eyeing a breadcrumb. CME Group data says there’s a 90% chance of this happening, which is about the same odds as my neighbor finally fixing his lawn gnomes. Polymarket gamblers are also throwing their weight behind the cut, probably because they’ve run out of other hobbies. 🎲

In a filing with the US Securities and Exchange Commission (because, of course, they need the SEC’s blessing for this genius move), Tidal Trust II submitted a Form N-1A. This could add a couple of Bitcoin-based ETFs to their already mind-boggling collection of funds. The kicker? These ETFs will ONLY trade Bitcoin after the US market closes. Yep, Bitcoin will be chilling in the portfolio while you’re on your couch watching reruns of whatever nonsense is on TV. 📺

While the market’s been all about rate cuts lately, recent economic data and climbing bond yields are giving us that “are you sure you want to do this?” vibe. Translation: investors are starting to wonder if the Federal Reserve can really pivot as fast as they hope (spoiler alert: they can’t). So now we’re in that sweet spot where traders are treading lightly, like someone trying to sneak snacks into a movie theater. Will this FOMC meeting lead to sweet relief or make us all wish we were watching a rom-com instead?

Imagine, if you will, the miners-those valiant computational beasts-pushing their rigs to the brink, only to suddenly back away. The Hashrate, that measure of raw, unbridled power, flickers like a dying flame, hinting at a hard winter for those who chase the elusive dollar. When the 30-day ribbon dips below the 60-day, it’s as if miners, exhausted and battered, start turning off their machines-giving up, capitulating, like pigeons scattering at a cat’s approach.