jpyxx

\\n

Highly improbable. As witnessed in 2021 and 2023, these so-called “awakening” wallets didn’t cause much of a stir. Turns out, those were just some internal reorganizations. No drama, just a bit of housekeeping.

Bloomberg whispers that this program will span the globe, with a “trusted third-party” company holding the tokens-probably a sentient algorithm with a penchant for existential dread. 🧠💀

Enter the wise oracle of the crypto universe, a shadowy figure called Catonese Cat on X (yes, Twitter’s new name for “hot mess”), who points out the almighty enemy of Dogecoin’s happiness: the 0.886 Fibonacci level. Basically, that’s just a fancy way of saying “a stubborn wall just above $0.26,” which has been the kryptonite for any bullish dreams lately.

This week, Evernorth made headlines once again by announcing its latest adventure: a business combination agreement that promises to raise over a whopping $1 billion in gross proceeds. The goal? To create the largest public XRP treasury company on Nasdaq, under the flashy ticker “XRPN.” Because why settle for small change when you can aim for the moon?

Over at Polymarket, the crypto betting den where hope goes to die (or cash out), SBF’s pardon odds skyrocketed from a measly 5.6% to a slightly less measly 12% in 12 hours. 💸 Someone even dropped $302,090 on the idea, because apparently, throwing money at a sinking ship is still a thing. Another market asked if SBF would be out by 2025, and the odds jumped from 4.3% to 19.1% before settling at 15.5%. Spoiler alert #2: his appeal is moving slower than a dial-up connection. 📉

In his thrilling Thursday missive, Energy Secretary Chris Wright basically said, “Hey FERC, stop dragging your feet. Let these electricity-guzzling monsters plug directly into the high-voltage transmission system. You know, the one that powers steel mills and factories, not your cousin’s garage Bitcoin setup.”

In the stormy sea of uncertainty that is the crypto industry, a glimmer of salvation flickered like a lantern on a fog-swept hill. The United States, long adrift in regulatory limbo, may finally chart a course. White House Oz-and we mean Oz, as in Wizard-David Sacks declared the nation is in an “excellent position” to pass crypto legislation by year’s end. Excellent? More like “excellent excuse to keep the tea kettle bubbling while we shovel snow with our bare hands,” but hey, it’s a start.

The US Bureau of Labor Statistics (the folks who decide how miserable your grocery bills are) is finally serving up the Consumer Price Index (CPI). Spoiler: it’s late because the government shut down, the government! They’re busy perfecting the art of disappearing just when you need them most.