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Let us hear from the esteemed CEO Ben Gagnon, who left no room for ambiguity during the earnings call. “No half-measures, no compromises, and in time, no Bitcoin!” he declared with a flourish. How very bold! “We built a new company.” Indeed, my dear friends, they’ve decided that the road ahead shall be paved not with the glitter of cryptocurrencies, but with data centers to power the mighty beasts of high-performance computing and artificial intelligence platforms. Ah, the modern era-where machines think and humans simply watch in awe.

The Plexus State of Crypto Hiring report, a document as illuminating as a candle in a coal mine, reveals women still constitute under 8% of crypto hires. A 137% surge in female placements last year? Splendid! But let us not mistake statistical ballet for progress. When the music stops, it seems the dancers in marketing and community roles are the first to be asked to twirl off into the night. After all, who needs charm and community when AI can spit out press releases?

The daily chart looks like someone left a pencil in a washing machine-descending channels everywhere. ETH is making lower highs, hiding meekly beneath a 100-day MA (~$2.4k) and a 200-day MA (~$3k), both of which seem to enjoy reminding it of its place. The $2.4k resistance is about as welcoming as a grumpy librarian, having decisively told ETH “Not today, chap” after February’s low.

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ETF assets, those resilient phantoms, clung to life like a man clinging to a sinking ship. From 1.38 million BTC in October, they fell to 1.28 million BTC-a mere 7% drop, say the optimists. But fear not, for they have since rebounded to 1.31 million BTC, according to CheckonChain. A recovery? Or the final flutter of a dying butterfly?

The usual suspects-Amazon, Nvidia, SoftBank, and Microsoft-threw their hats into the ring, though Microsoft’s contribution was likely paid in IOUs and hopeful winks. A fresh $3 billion also trickled in from individual investors, who presumably sold their souls to banks for the privilege.

On Tuesday, XRP performed the crypto equivalent of a spa day-doing absolutely nothing. It floated between $1.30 and $1.35 for five days straight, like it was auditioning for a role in The Art of Doing Nothing. The altcoin has been trapped between $1.21 and $1.55 for nearly two months, which is either a metaphor for adult life or a warning label.

The market, that great, lumbering beast, snorts and stomps, searching for direction like a drunkard in a fog. Sentiment, that fickle mistress, has granted a fleeting smile, but the heart of the matter remains: the road ahead is as clear as a Moscow winter’s night.

This step is important because it brings the network closer to testing and launching smart contracts. It also opens the door for building more useful apps on Pi. Let’s be real-“useful” is just a polite way of saying “not another crypto-based Tamagotchi simulator.”

According to the good folks at crypto.news, Dogecoin saw a 3.3% rebound, hitting $0.092 at last check, early morning on April 1 in Asia. This is a rather impressive recovery, considering Dogecoin’s downward spiral since the start of the year-down a heart-wrenching 40% from its high.