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Founded in 2017 (a time when “crypto” meant “I have no idea what I’m doing”), CMT Digital now boasts over $600 million in assets under management. Fund IV will back blockchain-native startups trying to make crypto less confusing for institutions and regulators. Good luck with that. 🤞 They’ve already made 10 investments, including Coinbase, Circle, and Falconx-companies that probably still can’t explain stablecoins to their moms. 🤷♂️

At the America Business Forum in Miami, Florida-a place where the sun shines as brightly as Mr. Trump’s ambition-our esteemed President unveiled a plan so bold, it might make even the most stoic of gentlemen raise an eyebrow. “Crypto,” he proclaimed, “shall be the jewel in America’s crown, and we shall lead the world in innovation, no matter how peculiar the endeavor may seem.” 👑

According to a report from Bloomberg-that bastion of financial gossip-Bank of England Deputy Governor Sarah Breeden declared with all the gravitas of a Shakespearean actor that the UK will have its stablecoin rules ready “as quickly as the US.” A bold claim, indeed, from a nation whose greatest export is queueing etiquette. Breeden, no doubt sipping her tea while making this proclamation, pushed back against whispers that the UK is lagging behind. 🍵💼

Cryptocurrency-friendly investment firm Franklin Templeton introduced a blockchain-based money-market fund for professional investors in Hong Kong, declaring war on traditional finance with the subtlety of a sledgehammer. And yes, they’re working on a retail version-because why let logic stand in the way of profit? 🚀

For six long days, the Bitcoin ETFs have wept, shedding $137 million on November 5 alone, according to the wise sages at SoSoValue. This brings their total tears to over $2.05 billion, a sum that could buy a small village-or at least a very large samovar. 🫖 Trading, you say? Muted, like a choir of monks after too much kvass. Only half of the twelve ETF issuers bothered to show up, and even then, five managed to attract inflows. Fidelity’s FBTC, the hero of the hour, brought in $113 million, while Ark & 21Shares’ ARKB added $83 million. Grayscale, Bitwise, and VanEck also scraped together some crumbs. 🍞

Apparently, this whole thing is because of the GENIUS Act. 🤔 Genius, my foot. More like the “Let’s-Make-Stablecoins-Great-for-Gun-Nuts Act.” But hey, at least it’s bipartisan, right? 🙄

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Bitcoin’s trying to climb a mountain made of sell orders, and it’s not even halfway up. 🧱💸

Currently, it’s hovering around $2.30. It bounced off $2.15, like a particularly resilient rubber ball. So, there’s that. Renewed investor confidence they call it. I call it a fickle market. 🤷‍♀️

Now, if you’re thinking, “Well, that’s it, the sky is falling,” don’t panic just yet. Financial wizard Shanaka Anslem Perera says this crash might be the prelude to something far more dramatic. Buckle up – he calls it the “$6 trillion endgame.” Yeah, I know, sounds like something straight out of a sci-fi thriller, but stay with me.