Bitfarms Throws Bitcoin Overboard, Renames Itself Keel Infrastructure – New Era, New Chaos!

Let us hear from the esteemed CEO Ben Gagnon, who left no room for ambiguity during the earnings call. “No half-measures, no compromises, and in time, no Bitcoin!” he declared with a flourish. How very bold! “We built a new company.” Indeed, my dear friends, they’ve decided that the road ahead shall be paved not with the glitter of cryptocurrencies, but with data centers to power the mighty beasts of high-performance computing and artificial intelligence platforms. Ah, the modern era-where machines think and humans simply watch in awe.

EthCC 2026: Women Vanish as Crypto Layoffs Target ‘Girly’ Roles

The Plexus State of Crypto Hiring report, a document as illuminating as a candle in a coal mine, reveals women still constitute under 8% of crypto hires. A 137% surge in female placements last year? Splendid! But let us not mistake statistical ballet for progress. When the music stops, it seems the dancers in marketing and community roles are the first to be asked to twirl off into the night. After all, who needs charm and community when AI can spit out press releases?

Ethereum: The Coin That Might or Might Not Wake Up Today

The daily chart looks like someone left a pencil in a washing machine-descending channels everywhere. ETH is making lower highs, hiding meekly beneath a 100-day MA (~$2.4k) and a 200-day MA (~$3k), both of which seem to enjoy reminding it of its place. The $2.4k resistance is about as welcoming as a grumpy librarian, having decisively told ETH “Not today, chap” after February’s low.

Bitcoin ETFs: A Tale of Greed, Despair, and $1.32 Billion in March Madness

ETF assets, those resilient phantoms, clung to life like a man clinging to a sinking ship. From 1.38 million BTC in October, they fell to 1.28 million BTC-a mere 7% drop, say the optimists. But fear not, for they have since rebounded to 1.31 million BTC, according to CheckonChain. A recovery? Or the final flutter of a dying butterfly?

OpenAI’s $122B Cash Grab: The Richest Poor Man in Town!

The usual suspects-Amazon, Nvidia, SoftBank, and Microsoft-threw their hats into the ring, though Microsoft’s contribution was likely paid in IOUs and hopeful winks. A fresh $3 billion also trickled in from individual investors, who presumably sold their souls to banks for the privilege.

XRP’s Q2 Descent: A Love Story (With a Lot of Tears)

On Tuesday, XRP performed the crypto equivalent of a spa day-doing absolutely nothing. It floated between $1.30 and $1.35 for five days straight, like it was auditioning for a role in The Art of Doing Nothing. The altcoin has been trapped between $1.21 and $1.55 for nearly two months, which is either a metaphor for adult life or a warning label.