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Apparently, ETH is languishing in 16th place on the CoinDesk 20 YTD performance chart, which is basically the crypto equivalent of being last to the party. Down 53%! A year back, it was equally tragic. And the market cap? Dwindling faster than my willpower near a chocolate cake. It’s even being whispered that it might get capped with XRP. Oh, the indignity! 🙊

Indeed, for nearly a century, the SEC has, in its own stately fashion, adapted to the swirling currents of evolving markets, the novel contraptions of new technologies, and the ever-swelling ranks of retail participants. In moments of particular grace, it has embraced innovation with the fervor of a tipsy nobleman, all in the noble service of transparency, investor protection, and capital formation. Yet, in recent years, one might argue it has strayed from this illustrious path, most notably in its bewildering approach to the realms of crypto and blockchain. 🤦‍♂️

What sinister orchestra conducts this raucous crescendo? A sprinkle of political intrigue, naturally. Rumor has it—thanks to whispers from a certain Kevin Hassett—that Donald Trump might be polishing his “You’re fired!” finger, eyeing poor Jerome Powell, the Fed’s beleaguered ringmaster, for a quick exit. This spicy shade of uncertainty has sent gold soaring to record highs, while poor old US stocks, bonds, and the dollar itself slipped on banana peels into a glum slide; the US dollar index tumbled to $107, dragging Dow Jones, Nasdaq 100, and S&P 500 futures along for a sobering 1% tumble.

This frenzy happened with VOXEL/USDT perpetual futures, where traders reportedly watched orders fill up quicker than hotcakes on a Sunday morning. Some folks called it a “bug,” though others whispered conspiracies as sly as a fox in a henhouse about market makers and their shenanigans. Turns out, clever traders found a loophole wider than the Mississippi river and made fortunes faster than a cat on a hot tin roof.

Alex Thorn from Galaxy and Andre Dragosch at Bitwise jumped on the bandwagon too. Dragosch added that the US Dollar Index (DXY) just took a nosedive to its lowest since 2022. It’s like a soap opera for currency nerds.

Recently, Ali dropped a tweet suggesting Cardano is on the verge of breaking free from this geometric cage. Since early April 2025, ADA has been oscillating within these converging trendlines, a pattern so neat it’s almost polite.

In an impressive display that would make even the Discworld’s wizards consider a career in finance, nineteen out of twenty magical digital tokens are positively strutting up the charts. Yes, nineteen! The 20th one likely took a wrong turn somewhere in Ankh-Morpork.

The firm, who clearly believes in the power of digital coins more than your average treasure-hunting pirate, shelled out a mere $555.8 million for this latest batch of shiny Bitcoin, bringing their total stash to a whopping 538,200 BTC. Yes, you read that correctly. A mere half a million. Piece of cake, right? 🍰

Now, they’re sitting pretty on a whopping 538,200 BTC as of April 20, 2025—which is either the world’s biggest treasure hoard or a colossal game of Monopoly gone wild. They’ve thrown a staggering $36.47 billion at this crypto party, averaging $67,766 per Bitcoin—guess when you’re this deep, you gotta keep doubling down, right?

His rant’s all about how Ethereum, the second fiddle in this crypto hoedown, ain’t exactly the virtuoso it claims to be—blaming its switch from the good ol’ Proof of Work to that newfangled Proof of Stake.