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With 10x leverage, it’s a tightrope walk between $792-$810. 5x leverage? More like $864-$900. Spoiler: it’s not looking great. 🤡

In this farcical roundup, we present the most user-friendly crypto tax tools, from simpletons’ calculators to platforms so advanced, they’d make Diogenes weep. 🧐📊

A widespread problem with Cloudflare on Tuesday caused disruptions for many websites, including popular crypto platforms and X (formerly Twitter). Some users couldn’t access these sites at all. The cryptocurrency Toncoin was also significantly affected, and sites like Arbitrum’s Arbiscan and DefiLlama experienced temporary errors. People who tried to access these services saw messages indicating the issue was due to a problem with Cloudflare’s servers.

Another ballet of capitulation 🩸

65,200 BTC pirouetted to exchanges, dancing with losses.

Lo, in a move that would make even the most stoic Cossack weep with joy, the great empires of Mastercard, Polygon, and Mercuryo have joined forces. Their noble quest? To bestow upon us mortals the sacred gift of “Crypto Credentials”-verified aliases that shall rid our lives of the tyranny of hexadecimal strings. One can only wonder if the architects of this system have ever met a keyboard, for their solution is as elegant as a babushka’s knitting. 🧶

Market volatility returns, and with it, the eternal question: Will Bitcoin crash again? While headlines scream about price, the real drama lies in Bitcoin’s network-a relic of the 2008 financial crisis, now struggling to keep up with 2025’s frenetic pace. 🕰️

Ah, bear markets-those sly, sneaky creatures. Especially when it comes to Bitcoin, they arrive with a dramatic flourish of disbelief. Remember November 2021? 🗓️ Everyone was waiting for the grand finale, the blow-off top, but instead, the price just slithered away like a snake in the grass, leaving behind a trail of tears and a ruinous bear market. Could history be repeating itself? 🤔 The signs are there, my dear reader, as clear as Willy Wonka’s chocolate river. Key supports have crumbled, yet some still cling to the hope of a recovery. Bless their optimistic souls! 🙏

ZCash (ZEC) has skyrocketed to become the privacy coin king, thanks to its “untraceable” transactions. Because nothing says “I’m hiding my purchases” like a 40x price surge. 🚀💸 Even after hitting $700, fans are already chanting “$1,000! $1,000!” like it’s a rock concert. 🎸💰

Ah, VanEck, a beacon of hope for you, Solana, as your value teeters on the brink, has boldly launched its Solana ETF upon the grand stage of Nasdaq. Yet, how do these financial minestrone elements taste to the weary palate of a token thus embattled?

In a masterstroke of corporate theater, Michael Saylor, the man who could turn a ledger into a symphony, announced the purchase on X. Preceded by a Sunday post titled “₿ig Week,” it’s clear he’s not just investing-he’s composing a tragicomedy for the ages. 🎭