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Ethereum, that restless spirit, previously held firm above $1,720, whispering promises alongside Bitcoin’s vaunted march. It dared breach $1,750 and $1,780, even scaling the coveted $1,800 plateau in a moment of bullish bravado.

But, ah, let us not forget the $0.706 resistance level—where, should Pi manage to push past that threshold, it might just leap ahead by 10%, like a racehorse at the last furlong. How thrilling! But let us not be fooled by these grandiose dreams, for Pi is still languishing about 80% below its once-promising high earlier this year—making it, dare I say, one of the market’s most underwhelming disappointments. A true masterpiece of mediocrity. 🖤

Last week, Paul Atkins officially took the reins of the U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC) with all the pomp and circumstance one might expect, although we’re pretty sure the crypto world was secretly applauding even harder than the crowd at his swearing-in ceremony.

Hashdex, the global crypto overlord, announced on X (formerly Twitter, because why not confusing everyone?) the launch of XRPH11, hailed as the “world’s first XRP ETF”—or, as they put it, “another crypto milestone on the Brazilian stock exchange.” Translation: Now you can buy XRP without worrying if your basement keyboard miner will short-circuit the economy.

So here’s the skinny: their bright idea (fresh off the April 27 press release, no less) is to charge the little guys a bigger slice of the pie at first. They use something fancy called the square root (sqrt(1000 x N)), which sounds like a magic trick, but really means if your funding pool is $170,000, expect about a 7% slice taken by the blockchain bigwigs. But once you’re rolling in more than $10 million, they chop that fee down to just 1%. It’s like a VIP discount for the whales—“Congrats, you’re rich, here’s mercy!” 🐳

They’re playing defense and offense by bringing in Fei “John” Han as CFO (because who doesn’t want a John in finance?) and Dan Kang as Head of Investor Relations, which sounds fancy enough to convince your in-laws you’re “doing something important.” Meanwhile, the company’s been scooping up Solana tokens like it’s Black Friday, now holding around 317,273 SOL—worth about $48.2 million—which is basically their “we mean business” flex in the crypto playground.

The distinguished house known as Paradigm has chosen to invest its fortune in the promising AI endeavor named Nous Research, a collective devoted to the refinement of language models of the human kind, imbuing their token valuation with a rather impressive sum of one billion dollars. Fortune, no less, has whispered these tidings.

By Shayan (the market whisperer)

In his April 27 post, Trump clarified that these tax cuts would primarily benefit individuals earning less than $200,000 a year—presumably because those making more are too busy paying for their yachts to care about taxes. 🎩💸

In a freshly minted Form N-1A, more tangled than a basket of serpents, we learn that the amendment is but a costume change for the previously limping ProShares UltraShort XRP ETF and its kin – the Ultra XRP and Short XRP ETFs. The SEC’s solemn decree insists this amendment exists solely to crown April 30 as the grand unveiling day. Such ceremonious bureaucracy would make even the most patient clerk weep with joy.