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At the close of this electoral soap opera, bettors give beloved Liberal demigod Mark Carney a 78% chance of snagging the Prime Minister gig, while the Conservative poetic Pierre Poilievre lingers at 22%, clutching his maple leaf prayer beads.
Since Trump’s encore performance in office, the US economy was chilling, cruising like a self-driving Tesla. Until — wham! Enter stage left: tariffs with dramatic flair. Torsten Slok, an economist who sounds way smarter than me at Apollo Global Management, said that if these tariffs stuck around at the spicy 145% level, we’re looking at a GDP nosedive of 4%. Translation: two quarters of economic bad vibes.
Season 2 is here, and guess what? They’ve tossed in some GameDev ciphers and combo cards. Oh, joy! More ways to complicate the thing that’s already an obsession. But, fine, I’ll admit, it adds strategy. I’m still convinced they’re just making it all up as they go along, but, whatever—more ways to waste time, right?
One Ali Martinez, the guru of charts, has spotted something almost too beautiful to be true: Solana is forming a “textbook” cup-and-handle pattern on its weekly chart, a shape so perfect it would make your geometry teacher cry tears of joy. This has been brewing since late 2021, so we’re all just patiently waiting for the kettle to boil, aren’t we?
This latest splurge means they now have a whopping 553,555 BTC lounging around their digital vault. At current prices, that’s north of $52 billion, which is basically enough to buy everyone in the world a small taco. 🌮
What followed this digital burglary was the sort of laundering operation that would put even the most fastidious laundrette owner to shame: the ill-gotten bitcoin was flung about six or more instant exchanges like a wild boomerang and metamorphosed into XMR $269.6, the privacy champion of the Monero realm—fickle as its 18% daily volatility might suggest. This cunning conversion sent the market cap bubbling to $4.95 billion, with a 24-hour turnover of $308.7 million.
In a recent tête-à -tête with the good people of CNBC on April 28, Mr. Chung expounded upon his bullish sentiment, attributing it chiefly to the acquisition of Bitcoin by those most genteel institutions and the rather prodigious expansion of global liquidity — a phrase which sounds rather like the babbling brook of high finance.
He announced his conquest with the precision of a bureaucrat counting rations: “MSTR has acquired 15,355 BTC for approximately $1.42 billion, at a rate of $92,737 per coin. Our yield—carefully calculated—is 13.7% in this strange year of 2025. As of April 27, 2025, our total hoard stands at 553,555 BTC, accumulated at an average price of $68,459 each, for a sum nearing $37.9 billion.”
According to the ever-watchful oracle known as CoinMarketCap, Ethereum has bounced from the gloom of $1,500 like a coin in a drunken gambler’s pocket, landing at a round $1,800. A jump of 10.6% in seven days, which, in crypto terms, is like watching paint dry on a dragon’s scales but with more excitement and less fire.
In his latest transmission from the echo chamber that is the macroeconomist’s lair, the guy who founded Forest for the Trees (which, no, does not sell lumber), informs us that the Trump administration has cracked open Pandora’s chest of executive orders and unleashed a Strategic Bitcoin Reserve. Because why not add digital gold to the government’s collection of shiny things?
