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In a parchment penned for Fortune (forsooth, they still read such things?), the bank’s soothsayers proclaim that these digital tokens, shackled to the almighty dollar like Prometheus to his rock, might swell into a market of trillions. A modern-day El Dorado, but with more blockchain and fewer conquistadors. 🚀

Bitcoin, once our luminous ₿ride in scarlet robes of $113,000, staggers now, crown of thorns askew, toward the sepulcher of August despair. The fatal kiss came clothed in hotter-than-ever macro data-numbers that sizzled like false prophets on the grill of reality. Who among us did not, just last week, toast golden goblets to 69,000 dreams, only to find the chalice now holds naught but leveraged tears? 🤡

On the fateful date of August 20 (mark your almanacs), Bitget announced with all the subtlety of a street performer that traders may have fresh exposure to this delectable stew of tokenized traditional assets. The contract, it seems, joins tokenized stocks already flouncing about the marketplace. One wonders if the philosophers of finance envisioned such theatricality. 🎭

Ah, yes, Pudgy Penguins consolidates with all the grace of a debutante preparing for her grand entrance into society. Unlike so many altcoins languishing like forgotten handkerchiefs on park benches, PENGU trades tantalizingly close to its all-time highs. What a triumph of branding over banality! It seems this little penguin has not only survived the icy winds of crypto volatility but thrived, building an empire on quirkiness and charm. Who knew a bird could have such conviction? 🐧💼

The crypto markets slumped sharply in the last 24 hours, with the total market cap slipping to $3.84 trillion. However, the daily trading volume rose to $186 billion, an 8% increase. A number so large, it’s like counting the number of grains of sand on a beach… but with more confusion. 🧠

Institutions like Coinbase and Pantera Capital aren’t panicking-they’re cheering September like it’s the World Cup final! Why? Bitcoin’s dominance is slipping faster than a greased-up chump on a slide at a water park! And when BTC falters? Altcoins throw a party so wild, the neighbors call the cops. 🎉🚓

There are whispers of buyer interest bubbling beneath the surface, and if that interest keeps bubbling, why, the Pi Coin bears might just find themselves losing their grip, at least for a spell. 🐻💨

While Mr. Back, ever the innovator, took to Twitter to share his latest brainchild, Mr. Todd, with the grace of a seasoned veteran, reminded everyone that he had been championing this idea since 2013. One might say, it’s like discovering that Shakespeare was actually a blogger.

So their calls are often overly cautious, leaving retail traders unable to fully capture the upside of explosive crypto booms, including the one that’s brewing right now. 🧠💸

Back in 2022, the Fed went full helicopter parent and banned employees (and their poor families) from owning crypto. Why? Because some bigwigs got caught with their hands in the stock market cookie jar during the pandemic. 🍪🤦‍♀️