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Now, imagine a world where builders-those brave souls-can deploy perpetuals on Hyperliquid’s testnet, in a manner reminiscent of HyperCore’s elegant yet fiercely complex engine. It’s sort of like giving a fancy sports car to a kid; promising excitement, with a warning about gas fees that are determined every 31 hours by a Dutch auction-because who doesn’t love a little chaos? 🚗💨

Oh, but quel drame! The waiting has been longer than a French farce-two and a half years of torture! Analysts, those clever little birds, say it’s because Binance finally tamed its chaotic issues in la belle Amérique. 🇺🇸

What poetic justice! The beast has gone from a modest $163 million to nearly half a billion-all on the flimsy hope that Bitcoin will tumble like a house of cards. The short position, emblazoned at a towering 10x leverage-meaning if Bitcoin’s price drops just a tad below $124,270, the whale’s formidable fortress might collapse into nothingness. A gamble, to say the least! 🎰

The Ethereum Foundation’s bigwig, Aya Miyaguchi, and that brainy fella Vitalik Buterin, rubbed elbows with Bhutan’s prime minister and crown prince at the launch. Miyaguchi, bless her heart, called it “deeply inspiring” on X (formerly Twitter, for those still living in the 19th century). 🌍 She even claimed it’s a world-first, though I reckon every Tom, Dick, and Harry is calling their crypto project a “world-first” these days. 🤷‍♂️

Rietveld, with the confidence of a man who’s read the stars (or at least the charts), declares that XRP is teetering on the edge of a support zone at $2.785. “A mere formality,” he scoffs, “before the great rebound!” 🪙 According to this oracle, XRP is but a stone’s throw from its local bottom, and a surge is as inevitable as a Moscow winter. 🥶 “Normalcy,” he intones, “is but a prelude to the extraordinary.”

Apparently, it all started with a “brief technical glitch”-crypto speak for “our servers had a midlife crisis.” 🚀🔥 This little hiccup caused some cryptocurrencies to de-peg faster than a reality star’s engagement. Binance, ever the optimist, insists their platform was just a bit player in this financial soap opera. “It’s not us, it’s the market!” they cried, clutching their ledger like a security blanket. 📉

Bitcoin mining stocks, those wild creatures of the market, found themselves basking in the spotlight of prosperity, showcasing a dance of remarkable gains. IREN Limited (IREN), the elegant swan of the sector, led the charge with a graceful 7.24% rise, ending the day at a princely $64.10, with a market cap that hinted at the sheer depth of its riches-$17.38 billion, to be precise.

The daily chart, that grand canvas of financial destiny, reveals a tale of woe-a double top near $126,000, a bearish engulfing candle, and a subsequent plunge to $108,652. A short-lived rebound, like a fleeting smile on a somber face, failed to ignite sustained volume. The market, it seems, is indecisive, consolidating near $114,000-$116,000, as if pondering its next move with the gravity of a Tolstoy protagonist. 🧐

In a move that’s about as surprising as me spilling coffee on my shirt, Crypto.com has secured this fancy Stored Value Facility (SVF) license in Dubai. 🌟 Apparently, it’s a “significant move.” Sure, Jan. Now UAE folks can pay their government fees digitally. All settlements? Dirhams or dirham-pegged stablecoins. 🤑 Because who doesn’t love a good pegged currency? Regulatory milestone? More like a regulatory shrug. 🤷♀️

In a cheeky X post, the cunning Top Doge proclaimed that enormous mischief is brewing for Dogecoin come the 13th. He slyly hinted that Bit Origin, that sly old fox, is chomping at the bit to lead the pack, whispering of grand institutional shindigs. Ah, Bit Origin – one of those two cheeky DOGE treasury firms sprung up in the bustling U.S., clutching 70.5 million DOGE like a squirrel with its nuts, per CoinGecko’s watchful eye. Sarcasm aside, dear Top Doge offered naught more, yet boasted the DOGE escapade is only just warming up its paws! In an earlier bark, he scoffed that DOGE has shed its mere meme skin, thanking firms like Bit Origin for transforming internet hogwash into bona fide fortune. “Big money’s sniffing around DOGE now,” he chuckled, drawing all manner of wild guesses about this 13th of October brouhaha. 😂💰