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Bitcoin decided to play follow-the-leader with Treasury yields, which means investors went looking for the financial equivalent of a nice, cozy blanket.

Each XAU₮ token, in case you were wondering, is backed 1:1 by a whole troy ounce of physical gold. Yes, you read that right. One ounce of pure gold, stored securely in a vault that’s probably shinier than your kitchen sink. And it’s all in Switzerland. Tether isn’t taking any chances, folks. They’re buying gold bars that have been certified by the London Bullion Market Association (LBMA)—you know, the gold standards. We’re talking high standards, like “audits, audits, and more audits” level of high standards.

Geoff, Global Head of Digital Asset Research (a title as grand as a wizard’s), announced with a twinkle in his eye:

Where many altcoins limp behind the grandeur of Bitcoin, BNB, with an almost stubborn tenacity, dances merely 10% below its former all-time splendor.

They made this big reveal through an “attestation report” – whatever that means – and let’s just say, it’s the first time they’ve ever done it for their precious XAUT token. Apparently, for every single XAUT token out there, there’s an actual, real, physical ounce of gold sitting pretty in some vault in Switzerland. So, no big deal, just over 246,523 ounces of gold at this point. We’re talking more than 7.7 tons. They’re practically swimming in it. 🏊‍♂️

Amidst the cacophony of traders’ hopes and the ticking clocks of Wall Street’s ceremonies, the news arrived like the herald of spring: ProShares’ XRP futures ETFs, set to debut with the April 30 sun. XRP, in a rare moment of grace, ascended to $2.32—a gain of 6.72% within the span of a day—as if sensing the eyes upon it. The 20-day Exponential Moving Average stood as a stoic guardian at $2.15, offering its humble support to the restless price.

Enter Clara Tsao — basically the internet’s digital bouncer with a superhero cape. She’s been battling AI misinformation like a pro, juggling roles all over the place: CTO fighting homegrown extremism (think cyber ninja-level stuff), co-founding the Trust & Safety Professional Association, and even moonlighting as the President of the White House Presidential Innovation Fellows. Oh, and senior advising for Tech Against Terrorism because why not save the world before breakfast?

One must note, not without a sip of ironic tea, that while the old kingdom lounges in its aristocratic slumber, waiting for proper wakefulness, Coinbase dares to rouse the land from its crypto stupor. Imagine the Brits nursing cups and debating—“Crypto? AI? Let’s see if it’s more than fog and foghorns.” And yet here we are, peering into the dim with cautious hope and a dash of bemused skepticism.

At the close of this electoral soap opera, bettors give beloved Liberal demigod Mark Carney a 78% chance of snagging the Prime Minister gig, while the Conservative poetic Pierre Poilievre lingers at 22%, clutching his maple leaf prayer beads.

Since Trump’s encore performance in office, the US economy was chilling, cruising like a self-driving Tesla. Until — wham! Enter stage left: tariffs with dramatic flair. Torsten Slok, an economist who sounds way smarter than me at Apollo Global Management, said that if these tariffs stuck around at the spicy 145% level, we’re looking at a GDP nosedive of 4%. Translation: two quarters of economic bad vibes.