How TikTok’s U.S. Deal Turned Markets into a Dizzying Circus of Joy and Confusion

Over two billion-yes, with a B-people have now downloaded what was once just a tiny, quirky Chinese video app. It’s now basically the world’s most popular digital parrots squawking trends that no one asked for. This astronomical number probably saved TikTok from being banned faster than a cat meme can go viral in a typhoon. TikTok, which has already been banned in Canada (because apparently, zipping videos around the Great White North is too dangerous) and temporarily in the U.S., is now doing the Macarena with Americans through a joint venture, of all things, with Oracle and a few other fine companies. According to CNBC’s latest scoop, this was very much a “letting the dog in” moment. 🐶

Bitwise Bets on Sui: Will This ETF Make You Rich or Just Confused? 🚀💸

This move is just the latest in Bitwise’s “let’s throw everything at the wall and see what sticks” altcoin ETF strategy. They’ve already tackled Bitcoin (BTC, $87,290, 2.0% volatility-yawn), Ethereum (ETH, $2,971, 5.5% volatility-still waiting for it to moon), Solana (SOL, $125.4, 3.6% volatility-the crypto equivalent of a fad diet), and XRP ($1.90, 3.5% volatility-still trying to figure out what it does). Now, Sui? Sure, why not. It’s like they’re collecting cryptocurrencies the way I collect half-empty La Croix cans.

Pi Coin: Up, Down, or Just Clowning Around? 🤡

So, Pi Network (PI) token sashayed up to $0.2070, a 7% bounce from its weekly low. 🎉 But let’s not throw a parade just yet-it’s still a far cry from its ~$3 all-time high. And its market cap? Oh, it’s down to a humble $1.8 billion from a cool $20 billion. Humble brag, much? 💸