jpyxx 
The charts, my dear reader, are as exciting as a sermon on a wet Sunday. Expected price movements for both Bitcoin and Ethereum are shrinking faster than a pair of trousers in a hot wash. Traders, once the daredevils of the financial world, are now expecting moves so small they’d make a snail blush. Daily candles? More like daily naps. The price is stuck in a range so tight, it’s like watching paint dry-but with fewer thrills. 🎨😴
“Darling,” sighed U.S. Attorney’s Office of Louisiana’s press release, “the court has taken our sweet time//(time) to finalize the forfeiture of mischief-making cryptocurrency.” Judging by the scroll dated Dec. 15 from U.S. District Judge Brian Jackson (a jurisprudent gem), 1.96356404 BTC and 60,139.5734 USDT will now dance into the DOJ’s hands for redistribution.
According to ETH News, our mystery miner struck gold with block 928,351, raking in the block subsidy plus transaction fees. $271,000 for $86? That’s what I call a return on investment. 💰💸
Ladies and gentlemen, the sophisticated have arrived at crypto’s doorstep like opera singers at a mud puddle-unfazed by the muck, yet desperate for a standing ovation. Ripple, with the grandeur of a Victorian playwright, has doubled down on its digital-asset infrastructure, bonding with TJM Investments in a partnership that blushes with ambition. Shall one call it a marriage of minds? A fiscal tango? Or merely a cash-cow waltz?
Ah, the market! One moment, Bitcoin tumbles below $85,000 like a clumsy bureaucrat tripping over his own paperwork, and the next-poof!-it’s back, grinning like a cat who’s stolen the cream. Trading activity? Shifted to “resistance areas,” whatever those are. (One imagines Bitcoin traders as restless ghosts, forever bumping into invisible walls.)
Over two billion-yes, with a B-people have now downloaded what was once just a tiny, quirky Chinese video app. It’s now basically the world’s most popular digital parrots squawking trends that no one asked for. This astronomical number probably saved TikTok from being banned faster than a cat meme can go viral in a typhoon. TikTok, which has already been banned in Canada (because apparently, zipping videos around the Great White North is too dangerous) and temporarily in the U.S., is now doing the Macarena with Americans through a joint venture, of all things, with Oracle and a few other fine companies. According to CNBC’s latest scoop, this was very much a “letting the dog in” moment. 🐶
With every tick of the metaphorical clock, the short-term momentum resembles a wilting flower, yet numerous chart signals suggest that this very range might be more than just a pitiful pause; it could be the stage for Solana’s next dramatic performance. 🍿
This move is just the latest in Bitwise’s “let’s throw everything at the wall and see what sticks” altcoin ETF strategy. They’ve already tackled Bitcoin (BTC, $87,290, 2.0% volatility-yawn), Ethereum (ETH, $2,971, 5.5% volatility-still waiting for it to moon), Solana (SOL, $125.4, 3.6% volatility-the crypto equivalent of a fad diet), and XRP ($1.90, 3.5% volatility-still trying to figure out what it does). Now, Sui? Sure, why not. It’s like they’re collecting cryptocurrencies the way I collect half-empty La Croix cans.
Oh, the 1-hour price chart! It’s a veritable farce of negative direction. Lower highs, lower lows-it’s like watching a bad sequel, but without the charm. 🌀😒 The poor thing can’t catch a break, can it?
Scaramucci spilled these pearls of wisdom during a SolanaFloor interview, all while the conference crowd sipped gin and tonic, no doubt. One can only imagine the drama. 🎤✨