jpyxx 
In his latest oration on the altar of CNBC, the high priest of Fundstrat research predicts a tempestuous beginning, a maelstrom of uncertainty, before the markets, like a penitent sinner, find their way back to the green pastures of profit. 🌪️💸
According to the scribes at crypto.news, XRP hath rallied 12.5% in the past 24 hours, settling at $2.38, a sum that would make even a miser smile. This, dear reader, extends its gains to nearly 31% over the past week, a rebound most miraculous after a downtrend that saw it plummet 50% since mid-2025. Alas, the fates are fickle! 😱
It’s at $3.06 now. Which, let’s be honest, is still not a lot of money. It was bouncing around like a superball all week, from $2.33 to $3.37. So thrilling.
They say the exchanges are lookin’ mighty empty. Apparently, XRP reserves are down to levels they haven’t seen in eight years – a 57% drop since October 2025. So folks aren’t just lookin’ at it, they’re takin’ it. Everything was quiet at the end of last year, then BAM, a surge. But even an old hand knows a drop in exchanges doesn’t guarantee a supply squeeze. It just means people are holdin’ onto their coins. Maybe they got a feelin’…or maybe they’re just hoarders. 🤷🏻♂️
Despite XRP’s recent flamboyant pirouette into the limelight, Bollinger-a man who sees patterns where others see chaos-has concluded, rather brusquely, that the hierarchy of the cryptocurrency world is firmly entrenched: “BTC > ETH > XRP for now.” A veritable drama unfolding before our very eyes!
But wait, there’s more! The investment bank, in its infinite wisdom, raised its 12-month price target for Coinbase from $294 to $303. Why, you ask? The diversification beyond traditional crypto trading, of course! As Google Finance dutifully reported, Coinbase closed the session at $254.92, marking one of its finest performances in recent weeks. Goldman’s new target implies an upside of roughly 18%, though the stock remained rather coy in after-hours trading. 😏
Layer 1 blockchain Sui’s native token SUI, like a stubborn seedling in a drought, jumped more than 14% over the past 24 hours, sharply outperforming bitcoin and ether as traders seized on speculation that the layer 1 blockchain could one day support privacy-preserving transactions. 🌱
On-chain whispers, those cryptic scribbles of the digital realm, insist the network throbs with life, and the ecosystem stirs from its slumber. Analysts, ever the soothsayers of speculation, predict further lunacy. But who can trust their prognostications? Are they not merely tossing darts in the dark, hoping to strike a bullseye of truth?
Apparently, some crypto analyst named Sykodelic – a name that suggests a particularly enthusiastic psychedelic experience – has figured out why. And it’s not because everyone’s suddenly discovered inner peace and decided Bitcoin is just…too much. No, it’s something far more unsettling: the plumbing is different this time. The very structure of how money moves around is messing with the usual Bitcoin boom-and-bust timetable.
Ilya Lichtenstein, the gentleman who drained 120,000 bitcoin from Bitfinex in 2016, has been released early from prison, per Bureau of Prisons records. His gratitude, it seems, lies with the First Step Act, a bipartisan reform law signed by the illustrious Donald Trump. One wonders if the Founding Fathers ever imagined their principles would apply to cryptocurrency thieves.
