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For those among the 280,000 souls so grievously affected who can prove they suffered pecuniary loss-be it from fraudulent charges or the sheer horror of one’s cholesterol levels being public knowledge-they may claim up to £5,000. A sum, I daresay, insufficient to compensate for the trauma of one’s medical records becoming the latest salacious tale at the ton’s next ball. 🧾

Lo and behold, as our tale unfolds, Bitcoin finds itself at a pivotal juncture on this fateful day, when the largest options expiry known to mortal markets arrives with unrivaled grandeur. Some twenty-three billion dollars in Bitcoin and Ethereum contracts are due to expire like candles in a grand hall of Derivatives-biting into that decadence with the sweet desperation of a late-night pastry. Analysts will tell you that despite all the reputed chaos of the macroeconomic world-a tempest in a teapot-prices have clung tighter to the line than a miserly clerk to his ledger.

In a post that appeared on X-because apparently, Twitter wasn’t catchy enough-Schwartz had one simple request for crypto wallet manufacturers: please, for the love of all that is holy (and profitable), only release those pesky software and firmware updates when you really, truly must. Rushed updates can be more dangerous than a cat wearing a cucumber costume at a dog show.

Groundbreaking News

Yet, investors, ever the cautious souls, still appear skeptical about “buying the dip,” as if the market were a particularly unreliable suitor. 🤷‍♂️

Our saga begins with the keen eye of ZachXBT, an observer renowned for peering into the chains of the blockchain with the precision of a watchmaker. This shrewd investigator brought to light the plight of several users, whose resources vanished as though absorbed by an unseen abyss within mere hours. It was whispered among the digital citizenry that a recent update to the Trust Wallet Chrome extension bore the venomous seed of this misfortune.

In a move that suggests they’ve finally realized the internet isn’t just a playground for teenagers, Russian financial bigwigs are pondering loans secured by that shiny digital stuff-cryptocurrencies. Anatoly Popov, the deputy bigshot at Sberbank, spilled the beans to TASS, claiming they’re ready to take crypto as collateral faster than you can say “blockchain.”

This divergence? A parable of our times. When scarcity gnaws at the throat and geopolitics stirs the pot, capital flees to hard assets-those with weight, not just wallet addresses. Bitcoin, once the savior of the liquidity-starved, now sits on the sidelines, sipping eggnog and wondering where the party went. 🐴

Behold, the 13F filing-a ledger of despair and hope-reveals Duquesne Family Office’s purchase of 4,619 shares of MercadoLibre (MELI). A mere $11.09 million, a drop in the ocean of their $4.06 billion portfolio. Yet, the siren song of growth lures them deeper. 📈

Now, let’s get down to brass tacks. Bitcoin and Ethereum prices are taking a nosedive, thanks to some hefty selling from the BTC and ETH ETFs. According to some fancy data from Arkham, BlackRock-yes, that giant behemoth of an asset manager-decided to deposit a staggering 2,292 BTC (worth about $200 million) and 9,976 ETH (a mere $29 million) into Coinbase yesterday. Why, you ask? Well, it seems they’re looking to part ways with these shiny coins. This marks the second time this week they’ve sent such riches to Coinbase, presumably to lighten their load. 💰