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Over two billion-yes, with a B-people have now downloaded what was once just a tiny, quirky Chinese video app. It’s now basically the world’s most popular digital parrots squawking trends that no one asked for. This astronomical number probably saved TikTok from being banned faster than a cat meme can go viral in a typhoon. TikTok, which has already been banned in Canada (because apparently, zipping videos around the Great White North is too dangerous) and temporarily in the U.S., is now doing the Macarena with Americans through a joint venture, of all things, with Oracle and a few other fine companies. According to CNBC’s latest scoop, this was very much a “letting the dog in” moment. 🐶

With every tick of the metaphorical clock, the short-term momentum resembles a wilting flower, yet numerous chart signals suggest that this very range might be more than just a pitiful pause; it could be the stage for Solana’s next dramatic performance. 🍿

This move is just the latest in Bitwise’s “let’s throw everything at the wall and see what sticks” altcoin ETF strategy. They’ve already tackled Bitcoin (BTC, $87,290, 2.0% volatility-yawn), Ethereum (ETH, $2,971, 5.5% volatility-still waiting for it to moon), Solana (SOL, $125.4, 3.6% volatility-the crypto equivalent of a fad diet), and XRP ($1.90, 3.5% volatility-still trying to figure out what it does). Now, Sui? Sure, why not. It’s like they’re collecting cryptocurrencies the way I collect half-empty La Croix cans.

Oh, the 1-hour price chart! It’s a veritable farce of negative direction. Lower highs, lower lows-it’s like watching a bad sequel, but without the charm. 🌀😒 The poor thing can’t catch a break, can it?

Scaramucci spilled these pearls of wisdom during a SolanaFloor interview, all while the conference crowd sipped gin and tonic, no doubt. One can only imagine the drama. 🎤✨

With this acquisition, TenX aims to tame the wild validators of Solana and Sui, promising no downtime. Because, obviously, who needs sleep when you’re building a blockchain empire? 🛌🚫

Thursday wasn’t just any day, oh no-it was a feast for institutional money goblins! 🧛♂️💸 $63.86 million sloshed around ETFs like a witch’s cauldron, bubbling up digital asset hype. Binance, meanwhile, watched its XRP reserves vanish faster than a snozzcumber in a sweet shop. 🚨

Analysts are now asking: Will 2026 be Bitcoin’s version of “please don’t eat the yellow snow”? 🚫💩❄️ Or will it just hibernate like a bear with a hangover? 🐻💤

So, Pi Network (PI) token sashayed up to $0.2070, a 7% bounce from its weekly low. 🎉 But let’s not throw a parade just yet-it’s still a far cry from its ~$3 all-time high. And its market cap? Oh, it’s down to a humble $1.8 billion from a cool $20 billion. Humble brag, much? 💸

Now, Bitcoin bulls are scrappin’ like alley cats on a Friday, trying to break the curse of U.S. trading hour selloffs. It’s like trying to keep a frog in a wheelbarrow-every time they think they’ve got it, plop, off it goes. 🦎