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Ah, Bitcoin-that enfant terrible of the financial world-once soared to $109,000 when Gary Gensler, the SEC’s erstwhile guardian, departed in January 2025. Today, it languishes around $76,063, according to the ever-watchful CoinGecko. A decline so precipitous, it has rekindled debates as old as the blockchain itself. Yet, in this saga of greed and folly, one cannot help but chuckle at the irony of it all.

“The US government holds 300,000 BTC and will not sell it,” Trump said on a panel, a sentence simple as a weathered gate, yet carrying the weight of a long march – a signal that Bitcoin has shed its short-term errand boy role for a station on the long road of reserve wealth.

The Federal Reserve, that distant tsar of capital, declared rates frozen on April 30, 2026, yet its hawkish murmurings on inflation echoed through markets like a funeral bell. Equity and crypto markets recoiled, for such pronouncements are the winter storms of finance. Ethereum, once basking at $2,380, plunged 5.1% to $2,257-a fall as swift as a sinner’s descent into purgatory.

“Don’t get too excited, folks. The real fun starts when everyone’s over it.”)

According to an official advisory, the ministry is “raising alarms” over the “systematic misuse of circumvention tools and stablecoins” to access “prohibited prediction markets.” One might imagine the officials clutching their pearls in the hallowed halls of New Delhi, horrified that citizens might dare to gamble with digital assets instead of traditional currency. The document, dated April 25, 2026, notes that platforms like Polymarket are being accessed despite being blocked under Section 69A of the Information Technology Act, 2000, with users “increasingly relying on VPN services to bypass restrictions.” One wonders if the ministry has considered banning the internet itself, which seems to be the only thing more pervasive than the “unlawful” activities it deems so nefarious.

Since the US-Israeli strikes on Iran in late February, the global benchmark has rallied so vigorously it’s practically doing cartwheels-up 47%, no less. One might say it’s been on a spending spree, but instead of shopping bags, it’s filled with geopolitical tension.

Rakuten Wallet now lets folks swap Rakuten Points for XRP, trade it in-app, and spend the coin across Rakuten Pay at more than five million merchant places, a number that could make a grant writer blush. The loyalty army behind it ain’t nothing to sneeze at: 44 million Rakuten Pay users and over three trillion points worth about $23 billion, all primed to be spent-or burned, if you prefer a sparkler with a little more heat.

Jack Mallers, a man with a mission as fiery as a Mississippi summer, stormed the Bitcoin 2026 Conference and declared the American payment system a crooked poker game where merchants are the suckers and consumers are too busy eyeing their cashback to notice the cheat.

The Iran war premium returns like an unwelcome house-guest, and crypto pays the rent with a wry grin.