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Adam Back, our ever-optimistic developer, assures us that quantum machines are “ridiculously early” and that the threat is as real as a teapot in a hurricane. 🌪️

Lido DAO, the decentralized autonomous organization (DAO) that’s basically the prom king of liquid staking, is itching to graduate from Ethereum and become a full-fledged multi-product adult. 🎓 Their grand plan? A $60 million budget dubbed the “2026 Ecosystem Grant Request (EGG): Executing GOOSE-3.” Yes, you read that right. EGG and GOOSE. Someone’s been watching too many nature documentaries. 🦢🥚

Now, you might be wondering, will this current price action-where selling is met with solid demand (and no one is losing their heads, thankfully)-help Bitcoin reach that mystical unicorn level of $100K? 🦄✨

As AMBCrypto noted, BOJ rate hikes have historically led to double-digit drawdowns in Bitcoin [BTC], as rising leverage costs push foreign investors to de-risk and unwind BTC positions, fueling short-term FUD. (FUD stands for ‘Fear, Uncertainty, and Doubt,’ which is basically the crypto market’s version of a bedtime story.) 🧸

It’s broken through a support level at $120 like it wasn’t even there. This $120, you see, was a rather important psychological barrier, preventing further… well, falling. It was a floor. Floors are good. Now it’s just… air. And it’s not even a gentle descent. We’re talking a 60% drop from its January high of $293! That’s practically tumbling down Mount Everest in a bouncy castle.

Ah, another pronouncement from the American authorities. As if the world wasn’t complicated enough, the esteemed Securities and Exchange Commission-those tireless guardians of our financial well-being-have seen fit to issue “detailed guidelines” regarding the custody of these… crypto assets. One wonders if they haven’t more pressing concerns, like the price of tea in Boston. ☕

Well, I’ll be jiggered! Bitwise Asset Management, those clever coves, have chucked their hat into the ring with a spot SUI exchange-traded fund. Seems the old boys are keen on giving the institutional crowd a bit of regulated crypto exposure, what? 🧐 With everyone and their uncle eyeing up diversified digital assets, it’s no wonder they’re playing nice with the Yanks and their ever-changing crypto rules. 🦅📜

Ethereum, once a proud stallion, now a limp noodle, attempted a feeble rise but faltered above $2,950, much like its comrade Bitcoin. Below $2,920 and $2,900 it fell, into the clutches of the bearish zone, where hope goes to die. The bears, those merciless brutes, pushed it further, to a low of $2,775, where it now wallows, consolidating its losses near the 23.6% Fib retracement level. A tragic farce, is it not? 🎭

One so-called expert, doubtless ensconced in his ivory tower, proclaims that this ETF growth is a testament to the “longer-term institutional processes,” as if such phrases were not merely euphemisms for glacial indecision. Ah, the institutions! Those paragons of prudence, who conduct their due diligence with the fervor of a tortoise in a marathon. Market behavior, risk metrics, historical performance-all must be scrutinized, ad nauseam, before a single cent is committed. Months? Years? Why, one might as well consult the stars for guidance! ⏳

The treasury and corporate arm of the Dogecoin Foundation outlined its expansion into regulated finance, payments, and sports partnerships ahead of a planned NASDAQ listing in early 2026. 🏦⚽ A dream so grand, it could make a philosopher weep. 😭