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Ethereum, the blockchain that once prided itself on being “slow and philosophical,” has suddenly become a speed demon. Or perhaps it’s just caffeine-addled? 🏃♂️☕

On the 5th of November, 2025, in Zurich, a city where clocks tick slower than a snail on a Sunday stroll, Future Holdings AG announced they’d raised enough cash to make a miser weep. $34.6 million (or CHF 28 million, for those who still use real money) from Fulgur Ventures, Nakamoto, and TOBAM-names that sound like they belong in a spy movie. Their grand plan? To build Europe’s premier Bitcoin Treasury Company. Because nothing says “trust” like a CEO named Sebastien Hess, a Chairman named Richard Byworth (because “Byworth” sounds like it should be a brand of socks), and Adam Back, who’s probably back in Bitcoin land doing wizard stuff.

Leverage is like that overly ambitious friend who convinces you to try something you’re not ready for. It exaggerates everything: your victories, your failures, your emotional rollercoaster, and your misplaced sense of control. When you use 50x or 100x leverage, you’re essentially betting that you can always be right, forever, in a market that’s about as predictable as a game of Russian roulette. One tiny price fluctuation, and boom-your entire position is liquidated. In the world of cryptocurrency, that’s as common as a Monday morning hangover. It’s the ultimate gamble: risk management, portfolio strategies, and even basic analysis suddenly feel like a game of chance.

On November 5, Circle made a rather

Founded in 2017 (a time when “crypto” meant “I have no idea what I’m doing”), CMT Digital now boasts over $600 million in assets under management. Fund IV will back blockchain-native startups trying to make crypto less confusing for institutions and regulators. Good luck with that. 🤞 They’ve already made 10 investments, including Coinbase, Circle, and Falconx-companies that probably still can’t explain stablecoins to their moms. 🤷♂️

At the America Business Forum in Miami, Florida-a place where the sun shines as brightly as Mr. Trump’s ambition-our esteemed President unveiled a plan so bold, it might make even the most stoic of gentlemen raise an eyebrow. “Crypto,” he proclaimed, “shall be the jewel in America’s crown, and we shall lead the world in innovation, no matter how peculiar the endeavor may seem.” 👑

According to a report from Bloomberg-that bastion of financial gossip-Bank of England Deputy Governor Sarah Breeden declared with all the gravitas of a Shakespearean actor that the UK will have its stablecoin rules ready “as quickly as the US.” A bold claim, indeed, from a nation whose greatest export is queueing etiquette. Breeden, no doubt sipping her tea while making this proclamation, pushed back against whispers that the UK is lagging behind. 🍵💼

Cryptocurrency-friendly investment firm Franklin Templeton introduced a blockchain-based money-market fund for professional investors in Hong Kong, declaring war on traditional finance with the subtlety of a sledgehammer. And yes, they’re working on a retail version-because why let logic stand in the way of profit? 🚀

For six long days, the Bitcoin ETFs have wept, shedding $137 million on November 5 alone, according to the wise sages at SoSoValue. This brings their total tears to over $2.05 billion, a sum that could buy a small village-or at least a very large samovar. 🫖 Trading, you say? Muted, like a choir of monks after too much kvass. Only half of the twelve ETF issuers bothered to show up, and even then, five managed to attract inflows. Fidelity’s FBTC, the hero of the hour, brought in $113 million, while Ark & 21Shares’ ARKB added $83 million. Grayscale, Bitwise, and VanEck also scraped together some crumbs. 🍞

Apparently, this whole thing is because of the GENIUS Act. 🤔 Genius, my foot. More like the “Let’s-Make-Stablecoins-Great-for-Gun-Nuts Act.” But hey, at least it’s bipartisan, right? 🙄