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Fast forward to 2023, where a giant pile of money-like that mysterious treasure chest at the Fed’s reverse repo vault, holding about $2.5 trillion-was practically begging to jump into the market like a kid on a sugar high. And jump it did. Bitcoin, that little digital rebel, took a nosedive near $80,000, only to bounce back like an overcaffeinated kangaroo to well over $91,000. Might be a sign that the bottom has been found, or just a really nice holiday bounce. Who knows?

Still stuck below $0.50, like a student who keeps failing the same exam (looking at you, second-year calculus). The resistance level is basically ADA’s academic probation. But! Before you dump it into the emotional landfill with your ZMA supplements and NFT penguins, hear me out: this might not be heartbreak. This might be buildup. 🥹

So, what’s in this strategy, you ask? Well, Washington plans to beef up defense modernization, cozy up to key allies, and marvel at the wonders of AI and biotech. But crypto? Not a peep. And that’s downright peculiar, considering the administration once floated the idea of a national digital-asset reserve and even hinted Bitcoin might play a role in long-term economic planning. Maybe Trump’s just saving it for the Director’s Cut.

Enter United Kings, a dedicated purveyor of signals for both the infamous Forex and the slightly less rowdy Gold (XAUUSD). Think of it as a Paris Hilton for market signals-broadcasting real-time alerts via Telegram. Designed to rival the simplicity of an eye test and the seriousness of a funeral, it’s built both for the initiates and the connoisseurs who seek consistency through rules-based alchemical formulas. 📲💰

In their fourth annual prophecy-er, market outlook-Korbit’s wise scribes have forsaken the mundane four-year halving cycle. Nay! They claim Bitcoin’s destiny is now tethered to the mighty productivity of the U.S., a land where “stronger Reaganomics” reigns supreme. 🦅🇺🇸

VTB, Russia\’s second-largest bank, is set to dip its toes into the crypto market, because what\’s a better way to launder your ill-gotten gains than through cryptocurrency? 🤣 The bank plans to test spot crypto trading for wealthy clients in 2026, because who needs financial inclusion when you have a fat wallet? 🤑

In Dubai, at the grand convocation known as Binance Blockchain Week, three sages-Ripple’s Garlinghouse, Solana’s envisioning Liu, and the prudent Teng of Binance-convened under the moderating gaze of one Dan Murphy of CNBC. It was there they projected their visions upon the canvas of Bitcoin’s future.

Their new fund, EPXC (because acronyms are so trustworthy), is basically a glorified SPY options buffet. Sell puts? Sure! Generate income? Why not! Just don’t ask what happens when the market decides to throw a tantrum. 🤪

The XRP price, ever the drama queen, has slumped 0.17% in the past 24 hours-a tragedy of Shakespearean proportions 🎭📉.