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Binance, with the solemnity of a Victorian butler addressing a rogue penguin, has issued a transparency update cautioning projects against “fake listing agents.” The exchange, ever the paragon of propriety, insists all applications must come directly from project teams-no intermediaries, no snake oil peddlers, and certainly no charlatans claiming to be “Binance-approved.” Amid a surge of scams (one would think founders could distinguish a genuine agent from a disheveled con artist), Binance reaffirmed its commitment to “structured listings,” a phrase that sounds suspiciously like a euphemism for “please stop embarrassing us.”

Market players are evidently less enthusiastic-fewer daring souls are willing to dye their toes in the uncertain waters of new positions. The result? Ethereum just drifts sideways, like a yacht without a paddle, while risks loom overhead like a bad weather forecast. ☁️🚢

Apparently, crypto is welcome to the party as an investment, but when it comes to paying for your pierogi? Nyet, comrade! Only rubles allowed! 🥟💵 Anatoly Aksakov, the big cheese in the State Duma, is like the bouncer at this financial club, and he’s not letting crypto past the velvet rope. 🎩🚫

Imaginez! La fondation Hyper propose de classer ces précieuses pièces, enfermées dans des coffres inaccessibles, comme si elles avaient été consumées par le feu sacré, pour augmenter la transparence – mais, attentons, grand Dieu! il ne s’agit que d’un jeu d’écriture, n’est-ce pas? 💥🤡

The Solana chart from 2024 to now shows a demand zone between $119 and $126 that’s been more reliable than a Swiss watch. 🕰️ Right now, SOL is chilling near $127, just a hair above this magic zone. Short-term jitters have everyone’s nerves frayed, but the long-term structure says, “Hold my beer!” 🍺 As long as it stays above, no need to panic… yet.

Enter Datagram, a name synonymous with decentralized ingenuity, particularly in the realm of DePIN. With a flourish, they announce a closed beta for their own VPN, a creation designed to marry the swiftness of centralized systems with the trustless virtues of decentralization. A bold endeavor, indeed! 🌍✨

The class action lawsuit against the Solana memecoin platform Pump.fun has reached a point stickier than a jar of George’s Marvellous Medicine. 🧪

A recent scroll from the wise sages at Cantor Fitzgerald, an investment firm of notable repute, proclaims that the volume of Hyperliquid DEX may swell by a modest 15% each year, conjuring up a vision of $20 billion in fees over the next decade. Now, if only my bank account could follow suit! 💸

Meanwhile, Bitcoin (BTC), that old grump of the blockchain, grumbles its way to $87,000, reclaiming ground like a tide retreating from the shore. The market, ever the indecisive poet, stumbles toward recovery while investors clutch their wallets and wonder if the next inflation report will be the punchline to this economic joke. Unemployment, at a four-year high, whispers, “Still here, still broke.”

The latest drama from the Global Initiative Against Transnational Organized Crime (GI-TOC) reveals that CAR’s crypto adventure is basically a karaoke night with the wrong playlist-lots of off-key notes and a suspicious side gig for foreign crooks. Turns out, introducing Bitcoin as legal tender in a place where most people aren’t even sure what money looks like is a great idea-not.