jpyxx

The platform’s still in the audition phase—Arbitrum, Ethereum, and Solana are all trying out. Picture “The Bachelor”, but with more ledgers and less crying (hopefully).

For weeks on end, SEI (SEI) languished, obediently sketching lower highs and lower lows, like a post-war romance doomed from the opening credits. Enter: a breakout, as sudden and dramatic as a matinee idol’s exit. At last, a higher high! Markets are whispering about reversals and bullish undertones, while even jaded traders risk a smirk of optimism. 🥂

The deal itself, a reverse merger—because finance must always work in mysterious ways—will leave the joint creature with Strive’s name emblazoned on the NASDAQ. Their hope? To pile up a mountain of Bitcoin, using strategies so novel and ingenious that even the most earnest shareholder might pause and wonder whether to laugh or weep. (Or both.)

“Stick a fork in SEC crypto-enforcement, it’s done,” he declared on social media, perhaps moments before dropping the mic and vanishing in a puff of regulatory smoke. 🎤💨

Apparently, Dogecoin (DOGE) has woken up after a power nap and pumped nearly 5% in 24 hours, with CoinGecko beaming at its $0.17 glow. Some analysts are positively foaming—sorry, forecasting—about a breakout.

The unputdownable volume in question, the Bitfinex Alpha report—dated May 5, 2025, a time when presumably the world will have resolved far grander issues—notes with unconcealed glee that Bitcoin gained a plump 14.08% for April. Even its own historical average returns peer over spectacles and mutter, “Steady on.” This, despite a display of volatility that would embarrass a Regency houseguest after five sherries: a 32% nosedive from the lofty $109,590 pinnacle to a rather undignified $74,501. The steepest correction, the report intones, of the “current cycle”—which, in less reputable circles, is simply referred to as a “very bad week.”

In the recent hours, Solana has experienced such wild price swings that one might think the network is having a nervous breakdown. After failing to stay above $150, an enormous wave of liquidations swept through the market. Coinglass reports that in the last 24 hours, over $7 million worth of Solana positions were wiped out. Of that, about $1.61 million came from those who were foolish enough to bet on rising prices (long positions), while the sellers closed around $5.42 million worth of positions. A truly spectacular show of financial carnage. 🤑

The schedule: results drop Thursday after the market closes. Bring snacks and perhaps a comforting beverage. Analysts predict earnings per share will tumble to $1.93 from the previous quarter’s $2.26, with revenue expected at $2.1 billion — which sounds like a lot until you remember last quarter brought in $2.27 billion, according to FactSet. Progress, but not in the right direction.

Imagine regular crypto payments, but slipped quietly past the velvet rope and straight into VIP: instant, less faff, and – shocker – cheaper. You still have to deal with crypto’s existential dread, but hey, at least your transaction fees won’t haunt you.