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Key takeaways:

Here’s the kicker: your precious SOL remains in YOUR wallet. No third-party shenanigans. No lockups, no “oops, sorry we lost your crypto” excuses. You hold the keys, and you’re not at the mercy of some faceless custodian. It’s like the world’s safest piggy bank, except it actually makes money, unlike those glittery ones you got as a kid that did absolutely nothing.

Yes, the whales are going long, their wallets heavy with ambition. Funding rates, once as cheerful as a Chekhov protagonist, have turned sullen and negative. Even the ETFs, those fickle suitors of institutional money, have deigned to return. Analysts, ever the optimists, declare this the first coordinated improvement since early November-a statement as bold as a peasant’s dream of nobility.

This trade involves a grand total of 15,000 ETH at an entry price of $2,945, though the current market price sits at a modest $2,896. So, naturally, the position is already down by about $38,000. But why not? The true beauty of leverage is that it amplifies both gains and losses, like a magnifying glass over a fiery sunbeam. The question is: Will the sun burn, or will it fizzle out? 🔥

Now, don’t get me wrong – he hasn’t completely lost faith. He still believes Bitcoin might crack $100,000 before the year’s up. Might. As in, it’s possible, like me going to the gym tomorrow – theoretically doable, but who are we kidding?

JPMorgan Chase & Co. has filed to offer Bitcoin-backed structured notes that track BlackRock’s Bitcoin ETF (IBIT), according to regulatory documents that probably took three lawyers, two interns, and a partridge in a pear tree to decode.

“Encrypted messaging apps, like Signal, are ‘important for preserving our digital privacy,’” Buterin trilled on X, with all the gravitas of a man who’s never had to worry about his DMs being read by the local constabulary. He then proceeded to anoint Session and SimpleX Chat as the new messiahs of metadata modesty, bestowing upon each the princely sum of 128 ETH. 🤑🙏

Per the incantations set within a filing with the American Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC), this structured note, understatedly strategic, pirouettes in time with Bitcoin’s looming Halving-a riveting four-year cycle set to climax in 2028.

Lennaert Snyder, that sage of spreadsheets and soothsayer of charts, has deigned to grace us with his insights. In a recent soliloquy, he noted that Bitcoin is locked in a battle as epic as it is tedious, grappling with the $89,000 resistance level. “A nice bounce,” he remarked with the casual air of a man who has seen too many bounces to be impressed, “from the support box I sketched yesterday.” To those who dared to long for the bottom, he offered a wry “enjoy the gains,” as if tossing a crumb to a starving pigeon. The $86,000 support box, he confirmed, remains valid-but only for reversals, a caveat as useful as a screen door on a submarine. Should Bitcoin retreat to this level, it would be a sign as weak as a handshake from a politician, indicating that buyers are as feeble as a kitten in a hurricane. 🧢💼

This smashing is Upbit’s sequel to the incredibly good 2019 Ethereum heist of $50 million (cue dramatic music). The latest victim list reads like the Fort Knox of virtual treasures: Solana (SOL), USDC (because why not a charming stablecoin), Render (RENDER), Pyth Network (PYTH), Raydium (RAY), Jupiter (JUP), Jito (JTO), Orca (ORCA), plus some delightful meme coins like Bonk (BONK), Cat in a Dogs World (MEW), and Moo Deng (MOODENG). 🐈🎉