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Ilya Lichtenstein, the gentleman who drained 120,000 bitcoin from Bitfinex in 2016, has been released early from prison, per Bureau of Prisons records. His gratitude, it seems, lies with the First Step Act, a bipartisan reform law signed by the illustrious Donald Trump. One wonders if the Founding Fathers ever imagined their principles would apply to cryptocurrency thieves.
The news alleged this violated President Trump’s Executive Order 14233, which allegedly commands federal agencies to hoard forfeited Bitcoin as part of the US Strategic Bitcoin Reserve. (Because nothing says “national security” like a Bitcoin piggy bank, right?)
Once upon a time, in a land of digital fortresses and cloud kingdoms, there lived a platform called Global-e. Tasked with guarding the treasures of commerce, it stumbled upon a crack in its armor. Lo and behold, the gates were breached, and the dragon hired knights (forensic experts) to investigate. 🐉
The first chart shows the percentage of SHIB supply held by the top 10 wallets, which has continued to rise into early 2026 🐍💰. Currently, these large holders control over 62% of the total supply, a level that has steadily increased even during periods of price weakness. It’s like a dragon hoarding gold, but with more emojis and less fire. 🐉✨
Filecoin, that sly fox of the blockchain, rallied 6% on Monday to $1.59, outperforming the crypto market like a tipsy ballerina at a bear market party. 🐾
Just hours ago, SHIB flirted with the lofty height of $0.00000935-a price so infinitesimal it could fit in a teacup and still have room for a biscuit. This minor triumph was achieved thanks to the meme coin renaissance, a phenomenon where $50 billion is spent on digital barks and wagging tails. The resurgence of the token-burning program-now dubbed “token incineration”-has also provided a spark, though one suspects the real magic lies in the sheer audacity of the numbers involved.
While XRP has long been a whisper in the crypto wilderness, data now suggests that 2026 might still be the dawn of its true potential. Moon Lambo, a prophet of the X platform, warns that the altcoin’s journey is but a flicker in the vast darkness of adoption. 🌌
The turn of the calendar, that sacred ritual of markets, brought a noticeable reset across U.S. spot crypto ETFs. Investors, like moths to a flame, rotated back into bitcoin, while altcoin funds-those poor relations of the crypto aristocracy-were selectively caressed. Shortened holiday trading? A mere footnote in this opera of greed and hope, especially on the BTC side, where conviction was as thick as Turgenev’s prose.
With the solemnity of a priest delivering a sermon, the firm has begun dispatching email notices to the afflicted, warning them that hackers, those modern-day marauders, have breached the enigmatic third-party payment processor, Global-e. 🛡️
According to CoinGecko (yes, the gecko is still relevant), Bitcoin’s had a 7% weekly glow-up, while Ethereum and Solana are like, “Hold my beer,” with a 9% flex. But XRP? Oh, XRP’s the life of the party, strutting in with a 15% uptrend. You go, Glenn Coco. 🚀💃
