jpyxx

On June 2, the SARB publicly declared that the High Court made a colossal blunder. According to SARB, the court’s earlier decision, which allowed Standard Bank to snatch Bitcoin from clients, was utterly misguided. The court, SARB argues, failed to recognize that cryptocurrencies should be treated as either money or foreign currency— a tiny oversight when dealing with South Africa’s exchange control regulations. But hey, who needs accuracy when you can just apply laws from the 1980s, right?

Yes, you read that right. Coinbase, the Nasdaq-listed platform that probably has more traffic than your local coffee shop on Monday mornings, has just announced that its cbXRP and cbDOGE tokens are now live on Base, the platform’s L2 network. These shiny new ERC20 tokens are backed 1:1 by the real-deal XRP and DOGE, which Coinbase is holding safely in custody. Basically, for every cbXRP or cbDOGE token out there, there’s an equal amount of the actual asset being hoarded by Coinbase. Don’t worry, they’re not just hiding it under their mattress.

Bitcoin, ever the drama queen, wasted no time reacting. The price jumped a cool $1,000, pushing it from a modest $104,500 to a slightly less modest $105,500. Why not? It’s only money, right? 💸

In a spectacle worthy of the theater of the absurd, he points to Ethereum’s “blue bar”—a vivid, flashing sign of impending chaos or prosperity, depending on one’s mood—and claims, with a seriousness tinged with hysterical hope, that we are on the cusp of a market carnival. “The last time we saw two blue bars, we were young and foolish,” he reminisces, as if time itself is a carnival mirror distorting reality. Back then, August of 2023, the market wobbled like a tipsy dancer, rising sixteen percent after only five such signals. Now, with two bars, he predicts a four-fold increase by next Sunday—if fate and charts align, of course. 🤡

In a tweet (because what’s more trustworthy than a tweet, right?), Coinbase announced that wrapped versions of Dogecoin and XRP—cbDOGE and cbXRP—are now alive and kicking on the Base platform. These are ERC-20 tokens, which I assume are just as terrifying as they sound, backed 1:1 by actual DOGE and XRP chillin’ in Coinbase’s vault—that’s a vault, not a vault-ment, unfortunately. Meanwhile, Bitcoin and Ethereum wrapped assets have already been sent off into the wild, probably to be lost forever in the ether (pun intended).

Once upon a time, on May 22, BTC soared to a dizzying $112,000—then decided to have a little nap, sliding down from its royal throne and breaking a trendline that had held since spring blush. Nevertheless, the long-term holders and the giant whales are still wearing their bullish hats, humming a tune of hope.

Yet, amidst the tumult, long-term holders (LTHs)—those heroes of steadfastness—may thwart the downfall with the swagger of Wilde himself refusing to stoop. Their unwavering grip could turn the tide, or at least make the plunge a tad less dramatic.

On a day called June 4 (which sounds suspiciously like a holiday from your chores), crypto platform CEX.io announced that in May, bots hopped to action, facilitating 4.84 million stablecoin transfers. That’s a number so large, it makes the national debt look like pocket change. The volume shot past all previous records, hitting a staggering $480 billion. If this were a movie, it’d be the scene where the hero dramatically reclaims his throne, except the hero is a bunch of algorithms and a little bit of chaos.

On a day called June 4 (which sounds suspiciously like a holiday from your chores), crypto platform CEX.io announced that in May, bots hopped to action, facilitating 4.84 million stablecoin transfers. That’s a number so large, it makes the national debt look like pocket change. The volume shot past all previous records, hitting a staggering $480 billion. If this were a movie, it’d be the scene where the hero dramatically reclaims his throne, except the hero is a bunch of algorithms and a little bit of chaos.

Christopher Hui Ching-yu, that man with a title longer than a country road, announced that the Securities and Futures Commission (SFC) is rolling out these new virtual asset derivatives, intended solely for those who have enough juice to qualify as ‘professional investors.’ Like a fancy club with a secret password — don’t tell the masses! 😏