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Picture this: corporate coins tied to the good ol’ U.S. dollar, or whatever currency your uncle swears is about to collapse. Merchants get lower fees, payments go zoom, and big banks get a little heartburn. It’s the financial shakeup you didn’t know you needed, unless you’re Visa’s CEO, in which case—you might want to lie down.

But wait! Accompanying this profound declaration is an AI-generated image of our hero, standing valiantly in a barren desert, next to a blooming cactus. A metaphor, you say? Indeed! For what better symbol of resilience could there be than a cactus thriving amidst the arid desolation? A true testament to Bitcoin’s tenacity, even when the world seems to conspire against it!

After a vanished fortnight—two weeks that felt longer if you’re the sort who spends evenings gazing at token charts—SHIB’s lead developer, Shytoshi Kusama, made a digital reappearance. And, with the grand flourish of a magician who’s just pulled a rabbit out of a blockchain, he teased a mysterious AI whitepaper. As developers go, Kusama has the enigmatic aura of someone who owns more hoodies than secrets, and perhaps just as many secrets.

Now, I know what you’re thinkin’, “What in tarnation is goin’ on here?” Well, it seems Pompliano is in talks to lead ProCapBTC, a new outfit lookin’ to raise $500 million in equity and $250 million in convertible debt. That’s a whole lotta moolah, if I do say so myself! 💸 And what’s the plan, you ask? Why, they’re gonna use it to buy up Bitcoin, of course! Just like Michael Saylor’s MicroStrategy and Japan’s Metaplanet, they’re gonna go whole hog on the cryptocurrency. 🐖

Permit me to unfurl the scroll: GENIUS means “Guiding and Establishing National Innovation for U.S. Stablecoins.” The name alone would make a scribe weep with joy, or at least mild indigestion. The act dares issuers of these cryptic coins to back every digital promise with real, slumbering dollars in some U.S. vault—or at least with assets labeled “liquid,” though nobody specified if that means dollars or vodka. Issuers of more than $50 billion must submit to annual audits, just as the czar’s cooks must prove there are no beetles in the borscht. And woe to foreign interlopers such as Tether—they too shall jump through burning hoops of compliance… or at least some sternly-worded requests.

And what of the consequences, you ask? Well, let’s just say the crypto market got a taste of them when Israel launched its missile strikes against Iran. Bitcoin’s price went tumbling down like a drunk on a Saturday night, but it’s since recovered some ground and now stands at a respectable $105,000.

Update on Proposed Scheme of Arrangement

As we shared last week, the Singapore Court has declined Zettai’s application in HC/SUM 940/2025 (“SUM 940”) for the Court’s sanction of Zettai’s proposed Scheme. While we understand this news may bring disappointment to our…

On this fine day, Saylor, in a fit of enthusiasm that could only be rivaled by a child spotting a rainbow, dashed to the X platform. He decided to grace the world with a tweet about Bitcoin, and not just any tweet, mind you, but one that came much earlier than his usual musings. It was as if the sun had risen in the west, and the birds were singing a different tune.

Lawyer Bill Morgan, a man of discerning taste and keen insight, believes that the joint motion filed by Ripple and the SEC will likely be accepted by Judge Analisa Torres. And why not? After all, as the great philosopher once said, “A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.” Or, in this case, $125 million in escrow is worth a whole lot of trouble and expense.

Apparently, the penguins and Lufthansa thought, “Why not make everyone’s life more complicated?” Thus, users can earn miles on Pudgy Shop purchases—using either PENGU or plain old fiat. With this, the Penguins might finally find a way to escape their tiny frozen pond and see the world—or at least get closer to it without losing their feathers. The miles, my friends, can be spent on flights, adventures, or maybe just a fancy cup of hot chocolate at the airport lounge. Over 300 partners—because apparently the world still has faith in travel and the penguin economy. 🥂🌍