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With a flourish of social media wizardry, Ardoino declared this the “biggest financial inclusion achievement in history,” an achievement as certain as the sun setting behind the smog of the global economy-if only we knew who truly counts as a ‘user’ in this digital carnival. The number’s as solid as a mirage, perhaps a little more shimmering, and the details of how these ‘users’ are counted are as mysterious as the depths of the Mariana Trench, or perhaps just a well-kept secret. 🤔

There’s a fever in the air, a kind of madness that only comes with the scent of profit. The digital asset sector is awash with optimism, as crypto exchange-traded product (ETP) filings surge to heights once thought impossible. Bloomberg’s own Eric Balchunas, a man who’s seen his fair share of market frenzies, declared on October 21 that a record 155 ETP filings have been made since 2024, spanning 35 different cryptocurrencies. It’s a land rush, he says, and he’s not wrong. 🏇🔥

In a legal drama fit for any courtroom thriller, the Financial Conduct Authority (FCA) slapped a lawsuit against HTX, the artist formerly known as Huobi, in London’s High Court on October 22. Accused of promoting crypto services to unsuspecting UK residents without so much as a “by your leave,” HTX has been a thorn in the FCA’s side since 2023. And, naturally, they’ve been added to the official warning list of the ever-watchful regulator.

The winds of institutional fervor are sweeping through the crypto valleys, compelling exchanges to broaden their horizons. Bybit, ever the astute observer, announced on October 22 that it would embrace XRP, mantle (MNT), and dogecoin (DOGE) into its USDT-margined futures and options contracts. A strategic pirouette, if you will, to deepen liquidity and offer more refined instruments for traders braving the volatile crypto tempest. 🌪️

In this ever-escalating saga, revelations abound that Milei, that impulsive libertine, hath gravely underestimated the legion of Argentine merchants ensnared in LIBRA’s precipitous fall, a tumble as abrupt as a peasant’s hopes in winter’s grip. 😂

Ethereum (ETH) tried to flex its $4k muscles but collapsed like a gluten-free cookie. Ripple (XRP)? Down. Solana (SOL)? Down. Dogecoin (DOGE)? Oh, it’s down and irrelevant. Cardano (ADA), Chainlink (LINK), Stellar (XLM)-they’re all just vibes at this point. Even Litecoin (LTC) is like, “Hey, remember me?” 🙃

According to Chris Dixon, the General Partner at A16z, “Crypto has become a meaningful part of the modern economy,”-a statement that somehow sounds both ominous and awe-inspiring. With a market cap topping $4 trillion and usage metrics reaching new highs (because who doesn’t love a good graph?), crypto’s transformation is undeniable.

So, Google revealed something astonishing-their Quantum AI team has done the unthinkable by executing a verifiable algorithm on their Willow quantum chip. Hold your horses-this isn’t just any quantum mumbo jumbo. This, my friends, is a verifiable quantum advantage-the first of its kind. What’s that, you ask? Oh, just the tiny detail that blows the fastest classical supercomputers out of the water by 13,000 times. No big deal.

In a move that has left economists scratching their heads and blockchain enthusiasts high-fiving, Russian financial authorities have announced a major policy shift. Apparently, they’ve decided that using crypto to settle foreign trade is the way forward. Finance Minister Anton Siluanov dropped this bombshell on October 21, and let’s just say, it’s as unexpected as finding a towel in a Douglas Adams novel. 🛂🤯

This 13-year-old network, birthed in the sweaty June of 2012, is sashaying towards 100 million ledgers, proving it’s got more staying power than my last disastrous Tinder date. Resilience? Check. Strength? Oh, honey, it’s practically flexing. 💪