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A fellow named Maartunn-a prophet of sorts in this new age of speculative finance-has observed that Mondays, quite conveniently, have been the strongest days for trade of late. As if the week begins with a collective need to justify the excesses of the weekend! Naturally, one suspects this is a coincidence, or perhaps the workings of some unseen hand guiding the market. 🤷🏻‍♂️

From that vantage, a verbose forecast on the grand drawing-room of the internet-X-by Javon Marks has sketched a tale: the present flutter of price is but a thread in a broader bullish march, woven from the same dusty patterns that Dogecoin’s long saga keeps rereading.

As of January 12, 2026, Ethereum lingers near $3,138-a number as meaningless as all numbers are in the grand scheme of things. 🌌 It’s been circling the $3,100 drain since late 2025, less a trend than a drunkard’s waltz with a lamppost. On-chain data? Tokenized assets? Sure, they’re “firm,” but when has data ever calmed the trembling hearts of traders nursing margin calls and existential crises?

Ripple (XRP) flutters at $2.0840, a 43% tumble from its peak. The crypto market’s latest tantrum has XRP playing the role of the jilted lover in a love triangle with inflation, regulation, and the Fed’s red pen.

RENDER’s market participants, bless their collective souls, had grown dreadfully bearish of late, splurging with the enthusiasm of a man ordering the entire menu at a buffet. Yet, on the 11th of January, buyers returned with the tenacity of a Jeeves confronting a misplaced cucumber sandwich. Accumulation Volume soared to 13.16 million, while Accumulation/Distribution Volume reached 8.88 million, as if to say, “We’re in charge now, thank you very much.”

The amendment, penned on the 12th of January, reveals a plan as intricate as a Tolstoy novel: an offering of 11.8 million shares of Class A common stock, with 11 million from the company itself and a modest 821,595 from existing stockholders. Bitgo, ever the optimist, anticipates an IPO price between $15 and $17 per share, though the final terms remain as elusive as a coherent plot in Anna Karenina. 🤔💸

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CoinShares, acting as if it were a parish council recording gossip, attributed this caprice largely to the fear that the Federal Reserve may not conjure a rate cut in March, especially after macro numbers strutted in with surprising gusto. The market, it seems, prefers a clear forecast to a jest of “perhaps.” 🤷‍♂️

Pi Coin (PI) token was trading at $0.2075, much lower than the all-time high of ~$3, which it reached shortly after the mainnet launch. So, in case you were wondering, the mainnet launch was like a party where everyone left early. 🎉

Once upon a time, in a land of volatile markets and fickle fortunes, Strategy decided to double down on its Bitcoin obsession. With a wave of its corporate wand, it scooped up 13,627 BTC in January, proving that it’s not just a pretty face in the crypto circus. 🎪🤑 This bold move cements its crown as the world’s largest corporate Bitcoin hoarder-a title as prestigious as winning the “Most Likely to Outsmart the Market” award at the Financial Follies. 🏆