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Tick-tock-tick went the S&P 500, shimmying up to 6,178 like a circus acrobat who’s had one cup too many of espresso. Forget the last record of 6,147.43 set four months ago—that’s yesterday’s stale cabbage. Meanwhile, poor old bitcoin—our digital daredevil—sat glumly in the corner, peeking shyly from behind $107,000 like a child who’s just seen the school headmaster. Turns out, even crypto prefers to stay in bed when wars are afoot. 💤💰

Now, don’t get the wrong idea. This wasn’t some half-hearted shuffle. Kraken rolled up its sleeves, stared down the bar, and threw its hat into the ring with the likes of PayPal and Venmo. You could almost see the old digital gunslingers tipping their hats, murmuring, “Well, hell, competition just got interesting.”

An “indicative ruling” they sought—a marvelous term befitting our legal comedy. Imagine, dear audience, a lower court donning the costume of higher wisdom, waving its hands to issue orders whilst awaiting approval from the loftier, more be-wigged authorities. A recipe for farce if ever there was one!

The CoinDesk 20, incidentally, also took a stroll down (but only lost 1.6%), proving that, much like at family reunions, there’s always a cousin who insists on being more dramatic. AVAX, it turns out, is that cousin.

Kaanch is right at the end of its presale, tokens flyin’ off the shelves for 64 shiny cents each. If you’re slower than a June bug on a lazy afternoon, you’ll miss out—presale ends in three days. But don’t start hollerin’ if you do: the second phase’s the same price; the only pressure is the kind my Aunt Polly uses to get me outta bed. After all this, it’ll list at a whopping 30 bucks on BitMart, LBank and xT. (You can almost hear the sheep bleat with excitement.) When that happens, all the traders’ll rush in thick as molasses, and you know what that means—someone’s bound to get rich, or at least claim they did!

After an awkward tumble below $100k (which, in crypto years, is basically a decade-long crisis), Bitcoin pulled itself together with the pluck of a contestant who forgot their line on live TV and just started tap dancing. Now, it’s only about 4% shy of the mythical number, hovering like someone pretending not to care about an ex’s Instagram story. Meanwhile, the on-chain “sentiment,” which is tech bro for “vibes,” has never been more bullish. I’m not sure what a bullish vibe actually smells like, but it’s probably Axe body spray with notes of eternal optimism.

Muttering mystical incantations and possibly consulting Ouija, RippleX’s engineers claim this “most comprehensive lineup of amendments in a single release,” might even resurrect Bulgakov’s typewriter. Senior engineer Vadari, guardian of arcane secrets, warns that a new epoch is upon us, whether you like it or not. Batch transactions, token escrow, something called Permissioned DEX and, of course, permission delegation—these are your new magic words. Use them well, comrades.

XRP spent the day pacing nervously between $2.19 and $2.23, like a gambler at the track waiting for the third race. The fireworks started midday: from $2.19 to $2.23 in an hour. A move so strong even day traders looked up from their vegan lattes.

In the face of stricter rules, Australia remains vigilant as it grapples with increasing instances of cryptocurrency ATM fraud. The Australian Transaction Reports and Analysis Centre (AUSTRAC), along with state police forces and other entities, have initiated a comprehensive investigation into the usage of crypto ATMs nationwide.

On Tuesday, the oracles at CoinPost, clutching notebooks and a healthy skepticism, announced that the FSA had delivered a stirring soliloquy about possibly reclassifying digital tokens as actual “financial products” rather than speculative toys best left to basement-dwelling enthusiasts. The plan? Walker into the plush, oak-panelled halls of the Financial Instruments and Exchange Act (FIEA) and be taken quite seriously indeed. Rumour has it, even the bureaucrats are dusting off their best hats for the occasion.