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A new proposal, feverish and quivering, crept into the community—a simple question: “Shall our token leave the safety of its mother’s embrace and venture into the wild market, vulnerable but free?” One almost feels for the poor thing.

In the latest development of the “America First” saga, President Trump has issued an ultimatum: If U.S. trading partners fail to strike new trade deals by July 9, the tariff fairy will pay a visit, waving a 70% bill for imports, effective August 1. Who knew international trade could be such a dramatic affair? Oh, the suspense!

Lyn Alden, a renowned crypto advocate and financial analyst, opposes the idea of nationalizing companies to build a strategic Bitcoin reserve. She warns that this could lead to a violation of property rights in the country. In a statement on X, she said,

“When you see behavior like this, you know something big is lurking around the corner,” Check wrote in his most recent Checkonchain newsletter, with all the authority of a man who’s seen it all. Perhaps Bitcoin is preparing to break through the roof sooner than even the most optimistic among us could imagine. Such confidence, such flair! Is he secretly a time traveler?

Some crypto analyst, Mister Crypto (real name, I’m sure), says Bitcoin just retested a bullish megaphone pattern. And, boy, does he have a chart to prove it! 📈

“My instinct is the Bitcoin treasury strategy has a far shorter lifespan than most expect,” Check said in an X post on Friday, no doubt sending shockwaves through the crypto community. 😱

But, plot twist! Despite this micro-meltdown, LINK’s still got that 2.4% weekly gain glimmer. So, while most investors are overanalyzing memes on Twitter, a few are squinting at LINK’s long-term vibes and thinking, “Well, maybe?”

Imagine Friday’s fever—the great market selloff! BCH, with an air of reluctant dignity, dropped merely 1.63%, as if saying, “Well, I, too, must fall, but not as far as those wretches over there.” Compare, if you must, the disarray:
Cardano—

ADA
$0.57

24h volatility:
3.0%

Market cap:
$20.66 B

Vol. 24h:
$523.13 M

,
SUI, or should I say ‘Sigh’—

SUI
$2.87

24h volatility:
3.7%

Market cap:
$9.91 B

Vol. 24h:
$824.71 M

,
and poor Hyperliquid—

HYPE
$38.02

24h volatility:
5.1%

Market cap:
$12.70 B

Vol. 24h:
$189.03 M

. All of them tumbled and flailed, losing between 4.7% and 5.3% like a gambler on his last ruble. BCH alone seemed to smirk.

Right now, Ethereum’s swerving between $2,190, the Land of Bargains, and $2,750—the Wall That Refuses to Budge. It’s been shuffling in this range since May 2025, and let’s be honest, if Ether gets any more stable, someone’s going to start calling it a stablecoin and that’s going to get awkward for everyone. 😂

It turns out that a fella over at C&M, possibly thinking he’d get a “big break,” sold his login credentials to the hackers for a mere $2,700. All that for a slice of digital pie? The hackers, apparently not bothered by the moral implications, jumped straight into the software system and absconded with the funds held in reserve accounts. Good ol’ São Paulo news caught wind of this caper, and now we all know. 🕵️‍♂️