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The market cap—like a foppish dandy—swelled prodigiously to $3.1 billion, an increase worthy of applause (or at least some arched eyebrows) at 14.2%.

The newly listed assets—Subsquid (SQD), Celestia (TIA), XYO (XYO), and Bittensor (TAO)—are now gracing the screens of New York users, both on the Coinbase app and web platform. Should these tokens not immediately appear, fear not, my dear crypto enthusiasts, a simple refresh of the app should do the trick. How delightfully convenient!

No big deal, they just want to snag 210,000 BTC by the end of 2027. (That’s right, 210,000. Not 209,999 because that would just look lazy.) If this happens, Metaplanet will become the second most overachieving Bitcoin hoarder in the corporate world, only trailing Strategy—which sounds more like a self-help seminar than a Bitcoin rival. Metaplanet’s already got 15,555 BTC sitting comfortably on its balance sheet, flexing so hard it just leapfrogged over Coinbase. Coinbase, consider yourself Coinbase’d. 💪💸

In stark contrast, several of the more sprightly altcoins have boasted rather impressive gains in the same interval. Notably, CRO, resembling a peacock in full plumage, soared by over 17% at one point, while LINK managed a respectable rise of 5%. It would appear that some are determined to bask in the limelight while others cling to the wall.

Traders everywhere looked a little less gloomy after the news. Seems Donald Trump’s Media & Technology Group wants to bundle up a whole basket of cryptocurrencies in a glittering new ETF. We’re talking BTC, ETH, SOL, XRP, and—wait for it—yep, CRO. Turns out, CRO isn’t just attending the party, it’s seated up front and nodding along like it planned this whole shindig.

Russia’s state-backed tech conglomerate Rostec announced plans to issue a ruble-pegged stablecoin, RUBx, on the Tron (TRX) blockchain. Because, you know, Tron is the perfect place to launch a stablecoin. 🚀 The asset, backed 1:1 by the Russian ruble, will be integrated into Rostec’s proprietary payment infrastructure, RT-Pay, with security auditing provided by Certik. This initiative is being framed as a way to support “import substitution” and enhance the domestic payments environment amid Western financial sanctions. Or, you know, it’s just a clever way to avoid using the dollar. 😉

Right now, the crypto community is clutching their virtual pearls. If the SEC decides to cancel the appeal, XRP could suddenly be like the cool kid in school that no one expected to be cool. It could totally flip the market on its head, and all the legal confusion might disappear like the plot of a soap opera. 💸

On the seventh of July—a day cursed or blessed, the blockchain will decide—the company serenely announced its $172 million windfall, bringing its ETH treasury to the dizzying height of 100,603. Who needs gold when you can mine magic internet contracts?

The Department of Justice, that venerable institution dedicated to upholding the law and protecting the innocent, has seen fit to charge two men, Michael Shannon Sims and Juan Carlos Reynoso, with operating and promoting this nefarious scheme. It is alleged that Mr. Sims, a founder, strategic consultant, and promoter of OmegaPro, and Mr. Reynoso, who led the firm’s operations in Latin America, preyed upon vulnerable individuals, making false promises of substantial returns and assuring them that their money was safe.

Dogecoin price, it seems, has started a fresh increase from the $0.1650 zone, rather like a dog chasing a ball. DOGE, the plucky little thing, was able to climb above the $0.1665 and $0.1680 resistance levels, and we can’t help but feel a sense of excitement.