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In a press release that probably had everyone at Binance doing a little happy dance, they announced that KernelDAO is officially joining the party. Mark your calendars, folks, because starting April 9 at 00:00 UTC, you can join in on the fun. Just remember, no one likes a party crasher, so don’t believe any rumors about early sales. They’re as false as my last New Year’s resolution! 🙄

This leveraged concoction, courtesy of Teucrium, promises to deliver a daily performance that could make even the most stoic investor raise an eyebrow—twice the gains of the Ripple-associated token. Yes, dear reader, if XRP experiences a 10% surge in a mere 24 hours, the ETF will, in theory, boast a remarkable 20% increase (before those pesky fees, of course). Uh, surprise!

In the very hour of writing, one cannot help but be aghast at Fartcoin’s ascendance to a lofty price of $0.60. How delightful! According to the oracle, CoinGecko, this laughter-inducing currency dares to swagger while the rest of the crypto realm flounders in a sea of crimson. One wonders: is this the result of divine intervention, or simply the market’s cruel sense of humor? 😂

In the grand old tradition of doing things backward, Teucrium Investment Advisors is rolling out XXRP—no, that’s not someone stuttering, that’s the new 2x leveraged XRP ETF—on NYSE Arca this April 8. The ticker itself sounds like a secret code, but it aims to serve up twice the daily return of XRP through fancy swap agreements (think of it like borrowing your neighbor’s lawnmower to cut your own grass—except with more decimal points and attorneys). The fee is 1.89%, which some might call steep, but hey, if it’s thrills you want, it’s thrills you’ll get. 🚀

Ah, the plot thickens! This controversy, a veritable soap opera of the cyber age, dates back to the balmy days of April 2019, when DHS Special Agent Rana Saoud, in a moment of uncharacteristic candor at a Miami conference, dropped a bombshell. She claimed that DHS agents had, in a twist worthy of a Hollywood script, conversed with not one, but four individuals who allegedly played a role in the creation of Bitcoin. Imagine the agents, armed with nothing but their wits and a GPS, journeying to California, only to discover that the birth of Bitcoin was not a solitary event but a raucous gathering of four. The discussions, as recounted by the intrepid Saoud, meandered through the purpose of Bitcoin and its future trajectory—like a drunken sailor navigating a foggy harbor.

As if the universe conspired against it, Dogecoin experienced a 22.6% price slide in just 24 hours, while Bitcoin [BTC] also shed 10.68% of its value, all thanks to the panic that spread like wildfire across global markets amidst trade war developments. Investors, brace yourselves; patience is a virtue, especially when the market feels like a rollercoaster without a seatbelt! 🎢

To bolster his assertions, Mr. Zhou retweeted the astute observations of Mr. Arthur, co-founder of BitMEX, who, with great flair, expounded upon the curious dynamic of this tariff struggle. He remarked upon the inevitable attempts of China to devalue its currency, the RMB, to counteract these tariffs. The history books, as Mr. Zhou eloquently noted, suggest that whenever the RMB falters, an intriguing influx of Chinese capital promptly embraces Bitcoin with open arms. Thus, it would appear Mr. Zhou is indeed bullish; a fortuitous turn of events for our dear Bitcoin.

But, as with all things in life, the storm eventually passes. Today, the market cap has crawled back up to a staggering $2.53 trillion, a 3.08% increase in the last 24 hours. A slight recovery, but let’s not get too excited just yet. Who knows how long this will last? After all, it’s not like we haven’t seen this movie before. 🎬

OMG! Major drama alert! 🚨 Some mega whale (probably having mid-life crisis) just dumped 260k TRUMP tokens on Binance like hot potato. Made cool $2.048M USDC though – not too shabby for mental breakdown. Then, as if copying friend’s homework, another whale got FOMO and sold 309,514 tokens. Lost $14.06M! V.v. embarrassing. Will definitely need therapy after this.

The Federal Court of Australia, with a most decorative flourish, permitted the winding up of these shadowy enterprises. It seems these institutions sprang forth from questionable seeds—false information formed their roots, and now, well, their time in the sun appears quite over. The honorable deputy chair, Sarah Court, couldn’t have sounded more pleased as she announced that these “genuine services” were, in fact, more questionable than your cousin’s “Surefire Crypto Tip.” 🤭