jpyxx 
EOS is up nearly 15% over the past seven days, standing out as one of the few large-cap gainers. Jupiter remains the top crypto aggregator by volume, even as its price hovers near all-time lows.
Just as we toiled in the frozen wastes of Siberia, MANTRA Chain has labored to create their new investment fund – the MANTRA Ecosystem Fund (MEF). Oh, what grand plans they have! 108 million dollars, comrades! Even the Party commissars would blush at such numbers. And now they parade their Dubai VASP license like a medal of valor. 🏅
At the LONGITUDE by CryptoMoon event in Paris (Yes, Paris. Not your average crypto location, right?), MN Capital’s Michael van de Poppe dropped the bomb: “The bull market is just getting started.” Yes, you read that right. Start your engines, people. He’s basically saying, “Chill out, we’re only warming up.” 🙄
This newfound hype is akin to a cat discovering a laser pointer—exciting, unpredictable, and likely to end in chaos. The partnership promises to unlock the secrets of decentralized AI, which, if you ask anyone in a lab coat, is the future of everything, including your morning coffee.
On this most curious day of April 7, the digital coin has managed a modest ascension of nearly 1%, reaching the almost unbelievable height of $79,000. Meanwhile, the S&P 500 stands in indifferent repose and the vaunted gold futures—those erstwhile icons of necromantic safety—are languishing about 1.5% below their expected valor, as if jesting at their own inadequacy. 🤷♂️
Like, on April 7th they were all “We’re totally investing in this cool ag-tech thing” which is basically making farming as high-tech as my iPhone, but probably with fewer selfies 📱 And here I thought agriculture was just about knowing which end of the cow goes “moo.”
The spectacle was nothing short of a rom-com mishap. One minute SUI was sulking down from $2.06 to $1.76 (think of a clumsy stumble on a cobbled street), and an hour later it did a complete about-face: from $1.70 to $2.09 in the span of eight hours. It’s like SUI decided to have a makeover mid-party!
Our digital friend Bitcoin (or as I like to call it, “Internet Money on Red Bull”) decided to start its week with a heart-stopping plunge to $74K. You know, just your average $7,000 drop – the kind of thing that makes crypto traders spill their morning coffee all over their “To The Moon” t-shirts. 😅
Our favorite crypto-skeptic, who presumably still thinks the internet is just a fad, watched Ethereum perform what he might call a “gravity appreciation event” below $1,500. The digital asset dropped faster than a banker’s jaw at a Bitcoin convention, shedding 20% quicker than Schiff loses Twitter followers. At its lowest, ETH touched $1,400, or as Schiff might measure it, “0.0000001 gold bars.” 📉
This very morning, the president’s advisor, Mr. Kevin Hassett, intimated in an interview that the president might indeed revise his tariff notions. When pressed with the question, “Would Trump consider a 90-day pause in tariffs?” he responded in a delightfully cryptic manner: “I think the president shall do precisely as he pleases, good sir. And even if trade disputes should nibble at our great economy, it remains but a small morsel of our GDP.” 😏
