jpyxx CryptoQuant, that oracle of blockchain wisdom, proclaims: “The primordial Bitcoin clans-those who hoarded coins when Satoshi still whispered in the shadows-have grown eerily quiet! 🕯️” Indeed, these OGs, whose coins slumbered for half a decade (or longer!), now clutch their treasure tighter than a miser at a gold rush.
Lo and behold, the Ethereum layer-2 has not only become the swiftest to reach stage one decentralization but has done so whilst processing over 4.4 billion transactions. Daily active users grew nearly eightfold compared to the previous year, and the total value locked has surpassed eleven billion dollars. Truly, a transformation from mere experiments to mainstream acceptance!
The U.S. Senate Banking Committee has postponed its vote on the crypto market structure bill. Because nothing says “regulation” like a bunch of politicians trying to figure out what a blockchain is. 🤷♂️
The President, a man whose every utterance seems torn from the pages of a political thriller penned by a drunken scribe, assured Reuters he has “no plan” to sack Powell. Yet his words drip with the venom of a thousand unspoken plots. “We are in a holding pattern,” he mused, as if piloting a plane with no wings. 🛫🌀
In a statement, the CEO of Coinbase, Brian Armstrong, with a face as long as a serf’s complaint, declared that the draft, which was to be the centerpiece of their markup, was riddled with “too many issues” and “bad” for the sector. 🧠
According to the ever-reliable crypto.news (because who needs peer-reviewed research?), ICP briefly flirted with $4.78 before settling at a more modest $4.66-still a staggering 79% up since January, proving once again that crypto math operates on its own special logic.
One cannot help but marvel at this turn of events-a forlorn Dash, ever until now lurking in anonymity, seemingly gaining unexpected stardom. The murmurs of increased demand for privacy coins echo through the markets, as the coin playfully steals the spotlight, elbowing its way ahead with newfound ambition.
In a rather informal note upon the social platform X, Mr. Mullin divulged that the company, which dabbles in the rather fashionable realm of real-world assets through its Layer 1 blockchain, shall embark on the unfortunate venture of reducing its staff across various teams. This most distressing decision followed months of what one can only imagine were fervent discussions, as efforts to curtail expenditure and streamline operations failed to align with the harsh realities presented by the current market conditions.
And who among us shall interpret this miracle? Behold, Garret Bullish-the so-called “White House whale”-a title that sounds less like finance and more like a minor villain from a Cold War cartoon 🐳. He of the legendary October short that made him millions (or so he says, and who among us can verify such things behind the Great Blockchain Firewall?). Now he emerges, not with bread, but with prophecy: ETH shall rise to $5,413. Not $5,414. Not $5,412. $5,413. Such precision! One wonders if he received the number in a dream from Lenin himself.
Initially, Dogecoin took a tumble after it couldn’t push through the gate at $0.1520, akin to some folks who can’t quite muster the moxie to cross a creek. It faltered below the $0.150 and slipped under $0.1450. Somehow, it skidded along toward the 50% Fib retracement, finding solace near the $0.1420 support, much like an old bone forgotten but eventually remembered.
