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Our intrepid U.S. bitcoin miners are in a veritable tizzy, scrambling to import ASIC hardware before the new tariffs from the Trump administration send equipment costs soaring into the stratosphere. With prices expected to rise by a jaw-dropping 22–36%, firms are chartering flights costing between $2 million and $3.5 million each, as they rush deliveries from the far-flung corners of China and Southeast Asia. One can only imagine the in-flight meals! 🍽️✈️

Today, the enigmatic sphinx has decided to offer more assistance, yet the riddles persist. The Securities and Exchange Commission’s (SEC) Crypto Task Force has expressed that their previous regime fostered an unfriendly atmosphere for innovation. They have pledged to collaborate with industry partners in creating practical regulations. However, substantial hurdles remain. U.S. securities laws are a combination of legislation passed by Congress and rules established by the SEC. The Task Force indicates the SEC’s readiness to streamline these rules via new guidelines and exemptions. Nevertheless, it is primarily the statutes that pose challenges, as only Congress, not the SEC, has the power to amend them.

According to the ever inscrutable tomes of CoinGlass, a stupendous 71,190,773 million DOGE evaporated into the ether—a mere trifle amounting to over $11 million in the cold, merciless realm of fiat. One might almost imagine these investors as hapless characters in a Nabokovian farce, caught in a vortex of their own audacity.

They saw a serious jump on Wednesday—$0.645? Seems like a fancy dinner price. Before that, they were stumbling around at $0.537 like a confused toddler. It’s printing green candlesticks like it’s going out of style! Meanwhile, we’re all here thinking, “Can I just get a break?” After falling to $0.51, ADA just had to show up like, “Surprise!” 🙄

As if that weren’t enough to send the markets into a tizzy, Ripple and Hidden Road are all set to “bring the promise of digital assets to institutional customers at scale.” It sounds like a tagline for the latest blockbuster, doesn’t it? 🎬

Technical analysis, that most arcane of arts, reveals a precarious dance between support around $540-$545 and resistance at $565-$570. The trading volumes, like excited gossips at a village fair, surged during both the moments of panic and the subsequent sighs of relief, according to those clever chaps at CoinDesk Research. 🧐

The DMI points to rising positive pressure, yet there’s a weakening trend lurking in the shadows. Meanwhile, the EMA structure hasn’t quite confirmed a full reversal, leaving us wondering whether we’re on the brink of soaring heights or staring down the barrel of another pullback.

European Commission President Ursula von der Leyen chimed in with, “We want to give negotiations a chance.” Very sweet. But hey, it’s more like: “Look, we can play nice, but don’t get too comfy, because if this negotiation train derails, we’re laying down some heavy-duty taxes.” Kinda like telling someone, “I’ll give you time to fix this, but I’m definitely keeping your number on Block if it doesn’t work out.” 🤔

Starting April 11, 2025, at 00:00 UTC, Binance will kindly allow you to farm WCT tokens. To participate, you’ll need to lock in any of the following assets — basically, pour your money into:

Yet here we are, gawking at the possibility of a shocking fourth term for the Liberal Party. Our star? Former Bank of Canada and Bank of England super-banker Mark Carney, crowned with a Myriad Markets contract placing him at a 74% chance of waltzing into office like it’s his personal after-party. 🕺