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Right now, Dogecoin is chilling at $0.16, but it took a little tumble to $0.13 on April 9. Ouch! According to CoinMarketCap, it’s like watching a puppy learn to walk. 🐾

In a post on X (formerly Twitter – let’s not ask why), the “guru” warned his 2.7 million followers to “please listen to gold, silver, and Bitcoin.” Yes, we’re all apparently just too busy sipping lattes and ignoring the cries of our financial doom. Thanks, Kiyosaki, for the wake-up call. ☕💰

To no one’s surprise, CZ, the co-founder and former CEO of Binance, the titan of cryptocurrency exchanges, swiftly took to “X” (previously known as Twitter, if you can still remember) to address these preposterous claims.

Brian Christian Alexander – a name that just screams “trustworthy crypto guru” – announced that developers can now link their ERC-20 wallets. Because who doesn’t have an ERC-20 wallet these days? It’s as essential as a good muffin recipe. They’re talking about “seamless payments 🔥”. Seamless, like my attempts to avoid eye contact with the cashier when my coupon doesn’t work.

What makes Metaplanet’s recent antics stand out, you ask? Well, let’s just say Japan’s 30-year treasury yields are soaring, and typically, in such uncertain times, companies would sprint away from the dollar. But nope—Metaplanet is out here making Bitcoin moves like it’s business as usual. A bold strategy, indeed!

In a delightful twist of fate, Babylon allows its users to bask in the glory of staking rewards, all while clinging to the comforting bosom of Bitcoin’s inherent security. No need for those pesky wrapped assets or the treacherous cross-chain bridges that often lead one astray! Instead, this protocol offers a veritable sanctuary for staking, a native alternative that whispers sweet nothings of safety and decentralization. 🌐

With the announcement of commission-free trading for over 11,000 US-listed stocks and ETFs, Kraken has made it clear that it is no longer content to merely dominate the digital currency space. No, it now seeks to conquer the world of traditional finance, one stock at a time. The rollout, beginning April 14th, will initially target select states, including New Jersey, Connecticut, and Alabama, because apparently, those are the places where people are most likely to trust a crypto exchange with their life savings.

To keep the competition on their toes, OpenAI has unveiled a delightful array of AI tools. First up, the o3 Mini—a free model that’s as good at reasoning as a well-trained parrot at reciting Shakespeare. It’s now available to all users, so do try to contain your excitement!

MANTRA, a platform that’s all about tokenizing real-world assets (because why own a house when you can own a digital representation of it?), saw its token OM take a nosedive. X users were quick to cry “rugpull,” pointing to a deleted Telegram group as evidence. Mullin, however, was faster than a caffeinated squirrel, denying everything and blaming a bot for the group’s temporary disappearance. “It’s not a rugpull, it’s spam!” he declared, as if that made it all better. 🐿️

According to them fancy folks over at
QCP Capital, the money markets, they’re just shrugging off the U.S.-China fightin’. Seems like everyone’s gettin’ used to the noise. Despite the U.S. slapping tariffs of 145% on Chinese goods and China hitting back with 125%, QCP says the market’s just yawnin’.