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Dubbed “Liberation Day” – a name so ironically grandiose it could only be dreamed up by the politically whimsical – the policy set a baseline 10% tariff on all foreign goods, with a staggering 145% rate on products from China. It was, of course, framed as a noble quest to fix long-standing trade imbalances and protect national industries. One can only imagine the champagne toasts that followed.

Meanwhile, across the Pacific, Metaplanet Inc., a Japanese enterprise that sounds suspiciously like a sci-fi movie title, is embarking on a quest to raise a mere $10 million through the issuance of 0% bonds. One can only imagine the boardroom discussions: “Let’s buy more Bitcoin!” they must have exclaimed, as if it were the most natural thing in the world, like ordering a second round of cocktails at a particularly uninspired dinner party.

CryptoQuant, ever the buzzkill, points out that an important on-chain metric is suggesting that the party’s just not the same this time around. The percentage of Bitcoin held for a week to a month is way lower than usual. Translation: The wild, hair-on-fire rush of new investors, the ones who used to throw their money around like it was Monopoly cash, are nowhere to be found.

According to the filing, the company is seeking approval to issue a smorgasbord of securities in future offerings. Stocks, bonds, or other financial instruments—take your pick! The specifics, they say, will be detailed in supplemental filings as they’re rolled out. Because who doesn’t love a good cliffhanger? 🎢

Ah, Semler Scientific (Nasdaq: SMLR), the medical technology company that dreams big! They’ve announced plans to raise up to $500 million through a shelf registration to snatch up more bitcoin ( BTC). This revelation comes straight from an S-3 filing with the U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC). The funds will fuel the company’s ongoing bitcoin accumulation strategy, which they adopted in May 2024. Talk about commitment! 💪

Despite the recent bounce, the market is still as fragile as a Jenga tower after three glasses of wine. CryptoQuant’s data shows that only 24% of Bitcoin’s circulating supply is in an unrealized loss, which is like saying, “Hey, we’re only a little bit on fire!” Historically, this level is more “early-stage oopsie” than “full-blown disaster,” so bulls are cautiously optimistic. But let’s be real, the market hasn’t fully purged its risk, so there’s still room for more drama. 🍷🔥

Hougan pointed out that Bitcoin is acting like it’s in a new sitcom — “Bitcoin: The Unlikely Hero.” Traditionally, BTC has been the drama queen of the financial world, dropping faster than a pie in a slapstick routine. In 2022, the S&P 500 dropped 24.5%, while Bitcoin went full-on melodrama with a 58.3% plunge. During the COVID crash, the S&P lost 33.8%, and Bitcoin, ever the overachiever, dropped 38.1%. Even in the 2018 U.S.–China trade war, Bitcoin crashed 37.2% while the S&P slid a mere 19.4%.

Data, that most delightful of deceivers, from IntoTheBlock reveals a rather dramatic increase in large-holder inflows. From a modest 96 billion SHIB on April 13, to a flamboyant 224.34 billion SHIB on April 14! Such extravagance! It’s as if the whales are throwing a party and SHIB is the confetti. 🎉 Large holder inflows, for those of you not fluent in crypto-speak, are essentially tokens waltzing into the wallets of those who already have rather a lot. A rise in these transactions suggests that our aquatic behemoths may be plotting something… or perhaps just redecorating their digital mansions.

CoinShares’ weekly report paints a grim picture: $795 million in outflows from the crypto market, with Bitcoin alone bleeding $751 million. This mass exodus, one of the largest of the year, comes as Bitcoin’s price hits a wall, like a drunkard stumbling into a brick alley. James Butterfill, the Head of Research at CoinShares, notes that since early February 2025, digital asset investment products have seen cumulative outflows of $7.2 billion, wiping out nearly all year-to-date gains. Three weeks of declines, with Bitcoin leading the charge—or rather, the retreat. 🏃‍♂️💨

Picture this: In a world heaving under the cryptic weight of blockchains and “compliance”, a partnership emerges. Elliptic, ever eager to peer into the dark wallet-corners of the digital underworld, joins forces with Monerium. Together—they claim, solemn-faced—they will reduce compliance drudgery by 60%, which must come as a disappointment to those who prefer their spreadsheets hand-washed in the tears of auditors. 🤦‍♂️