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Our gallant crypto cannot lay claim to resilience in such tempestuous times—nay, it may already be sinking into the depths of a bear market.

By Jove, the most extraordinary thing happened when that Trump chappie announced something about tariffs – rather like when Gussie Fink-Nottle announces his engagement to Madeline Bassett, the whole market went absolutely bonkers! 📈

This spectacle comes at a time when rumors swirl about the Solana network facing rising sell pressure from its top holders. How delightful. 😏

Just last month, the DeFi phenom triumphantly unveiled plans to introduce a new stablecoin dubbed USD1. It purports to be tethered to the venerable US dollar and propped up by the most reliable trio of short-term government treasuries, dollar deposits, and equally riveting cash equivalents. Truly a financial symphony! 🎻

Yes, price swings are a thing, dear diary—but if DOGE keeps dancing gracefully above that magical $0.13 mark, everyone’s ears will perk up. 💃✨

Verily, the tumult within the derivatives market has been as dramatic as any scene in which society’s follies are laid bare. In a span of but one day, liquidations amounting to $26.68 million have occurred—$9.37 million from those ever hopeful long positions, and $17.32 million from their rather less fortunate short counterparts, as recorded by the estimable CoinGlass. 😂

Meanwhile, the broader crypto market decided to join the festivities, expanding by a whopping $220 billion and gaining a sprightly 8.58% in just 24 hours, bringing its total valuation to a jaw-dropping $2.65 trillion. Trading activity was so lively that daily volume hit $176.01 billion—up a staggering 59.80% from the previous day. Bitcoin, in its exuberance, advanced by 7.93% during this wild ride. Not to be outdone, several major tokens decided to join the party: ethereum ( ETH) leaped more than 13%, XRP jumped over 14%, and SOL increased by 12%. Even Dogecoin (DOGE) decided to get in on the action, rising 13.5% in the wake of Trump’s tariff decision. By 5:50 p.m., BTC was happily treading around the $82,860 range, as if it were on a leisurely stroll through the park.

Word on the street is that a wallet, possibly linked to World Liberty Financial (because who doesn’t love a good conspiracy?), sold 5,471 ETH for a whopping $8.01 million at $1,465. Thanks, Arkham Intelligence, for the juicy gossip! 🕵️‍♀️

Picture this: There sat Jan Hatzius and his merry band of economists at Goldman, probably wearing their finest doom-and-gloom suits, solemnly announcing a 65% chance of economic apocalypse. But faster than you can say “covfefe,” Trump jumped onto Truth Social (yes, that’s still a thing 🙄) and essentially said “Just kidding about those tariffs! Well, except for China – they’re still in the naughty corner.”

This deliciously leveraged ETF aims to dazzle (or dismay) by delivering twice the opposite of the daily performance of the Bloomberg Ethereum Index. If our rakish friend Ethereum tumbles 10% in a day, ETHD is supposed to prance up 20%. Of course, it’s all measured daily, so do try not to faint if the splendid -2x promise isn’t quite maintained over time. One must manage one’s expectations, you see. 😏