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SEC Chairman Paul Atking (yes, really) and CFTC Chairman Michael Selig – and I’m picturing a very beige room for this announcement – are teaming up. They’re going to talk about making the rules less confusing. Because right now, navigating crypto regulations is about as clear as mud wrestling in a dark room.

U.S. prosecutors, in all their infinite wisdom, decide not to retry a former OpenSea manager. Turns out, when a federal appeals court says your case is kinda weak, you don’t argue-just say, “Eh, forget it.” Nathaniel Chastain already did his time, because apparently time served in prison is about all they’re willing to put into stopping these NFT shenanigans.

Behold, dear reader, the grand theater of human folly! The markets-oh, these pitiful, twitching creatures-now convulse in agony as geopolitical storms clash with the absurd uncertainty of who shall next sit upon the Federal Reserve’s gilded throne. Will it be Warsh? Hassett? Some other bureaucrat with a penchant for tightening the screws? Who knows! And yet, Bitcoin, this digital Prometheus, staggers onward, lashed by volatility, mocked by fate.

Behold, the grand spectacle of agentic commerce! A world where brands, like weary travelers, seek refuge in AI platforms, their product catalogs transformed into mere whispers in the void, awaiting the algorithm’s whim. What could possibly go wrong?

As the price wobbles like a drunk bard on a tightrope, the on-chain data is telling a tale of woe. Funding rates are drifting toward negative territory faster than a troll runs toward free beer, and derivative positioning is getting more defensive than a dwarf with a grudge. It’s enough to make even the most stoic trader mutter, “Bugger.”

For four long days-a veritable eternity in this madhouse of markets-these ETFs have bled capital like a leaky samovar. January 22nd, a day that shall live in infamy (or at least in the footnotes of some trader’s diary), saw a staggering $32.11 million flee these funds. SosoValue, that oracle of numerical nonsense, confirms the calamity. The market, it seems, has decided to take a nap, leaving these ETFs to snooze in their own sorrow.

Oh, GameStop. The video game retailer that thought it could moon with Bitcoin. On-chain data just spilled the tea: all their BTC is now chilling at Coinbase Prime, the place where crypto goes to die-or at least get sold. CryptoQuant says this move screams “I’m out,” but let’s be real, we’ve all made bad decisions after a few drinks (or in GameStop’s case, a $2.25 billion convertible note sale).

Word on the street is that our gallant Ledger, the protector of digital treasures, is preparing for a magnificent debut in the U.S. stock market, hoping to dazzle us all with a valuation that could exceed $4 billion. Fancy, isn’t it?

Recently, the price of XRP has shifted from rising to falling. We’ve seen a series of peaks, each lower than the last, suggesting a change in momentum. The price previously paused and built up at certain levels, but those levels now act as ceilings, preventing further increases. After a significant drop, XRP has been trading within a wide range, consistently bouncing off its upper and lower limits as it continues to move downwards.

Apparently, poor old Trump and his merry band of LLCs (that’s Limited Liability Companies, not Laughing Like Clowns, though the latter might be more fitting) were shown the door by JPMorgan back in 2021. “Political shenanigans!” he cries, pointing his stubby finger at the post-Jan. 6 climate. “They’ve gone and de-risked me like I’m a dodgy crypto scheme!”