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Enter Bitmine Immersion Technologies, led by the ever-strategic Tom Lee-who probably sleeps with a wallet under his pillow-scooping up a staggering 80,325 ETH worth roughly $358 million on a day that will surely go down in crypto lore, September 4, 2025. Yes, folks, the numbers are real, and the ego is inflated. And wouldn’t you know it? ETH shot up 1.6%, flirtatiously trading around $4,375-as if it was just waiting for someone to deposit a mountain of cash into its digital pocket. 📈😉

The sleuths at ReversingLabs, ever vigilant, have unmasked a new open-source malware slithering through the Node Package Manager (NPM) repository. Like a chameleon, it blends into the ecosystem, using smart contracts to fetch command-and-control server URLs-a digital séance summoning malicious spirits onto unsuspecting systems. 👻💻

This decision, concocted by the wise folks in the Division of Market Oversight and the Division of Clearing and Risk, grants Polymarket the privilege of operating through their designated contract market, QCX, and the mystical QC Clearing. The timing couldn’t be more perfect, especially after an investigation that was kindly dropped earlier this summer-like a bad habit, really.

Ethena [ENA] has continued to maintain its bullish momentum, recording four straight weeks of inflows amounting to a 15% increase. A feat so impressive, it would make even the most jaded economist weep tears of joy. 🥺💸

Two entities, once strangers, now dance cheek to cheek: Traditional Finance (TradFi) and Decentralized Finance (DeFi). Think of them as two peas in a very geeky pod-one still clutching its monocle, the other sporting a digital mask. Enter the charismatic platform for tokenized stocks-Block Street-enlisting Ondo Finance, a DeFi protocols oracle, to sprinkle some crypto magic on stock lending strategies that are about as sophisticated as a PhD in flipping pancakes. 🥞✨

Driven by the frantic and feverish engagement of the APAC region-India, Pakistan, Vietnam-the transaction volume soared from a measly $1.4 trillion to a staggering $2.36 trillion, as if the very world itself was collapsing into digital gold. Latin America, unwilling to be left behind in this absurd dance, followed eagerly, while Africa’s sad attempt trailed off by a mere 52%. North America showed impressive growth of 49%, perhaps drunk on its own supposed superiority; and Europe, that bastion of order, surged by 42%, as if attempting to keep up with the chaos. Oh, what a spectacle! 🎢

“So that there’s no confusion about the Coinbase approach to patent extortion, allow me to confirm how we do things: we don’t pay out bogus claims, we sue you instead. Today was an example of that,” Grewal wrote on X-oh, the clarity! 💡

📜 The statement comes from a collaboration between the SEC’s Division of Trading and Markets and the CFTC’s Divisions of Market Oversight and Clearing and Risk. It’s part of the SEC’s Project Crypto and the CFTC’s Crypto Sprint, because why run when you can sprint? 💨

This marks the second foray into digital assets in less than a week, following the launch of World Liberty Financial’s WLFI token. One might wonder if the Trumps are building a crypto empire or just trying to corner the market on acronyms.

Ah, Ray Dalio, the sage of fiscal sagacity, took to social media platform X (formerly Twitter, because apparently even social media needs a rebrand these days) on Sept. 2 to clarify a kerfuffle involving the Financial Times. It seems they had butchered his interview like a bad haircut, omitting key bits of wisdom. Not one to let such editorial shenanigans slide, Dalio published the full exchange himself, lest the public be deprived of his musings on the dollar’s vulnerabilities. And oh, what vulnerabilities they are!