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Enter JayDee, the so-called prophet of the digital age, with his charts and fancy words. He says XRP’s on the brink of a biblical crescendo, ready to explode in a glorious surge, only to crash down like a drunken lumberjack. Imagine that: a rise so high it’s almost poetic, then a nosedive that’d make even the bravest traders grab their coffee and run.

The real drama? Transaction revenue tanked 39% to $764 million. It’s like trying to sell ice to a polar bear, but with way more sighs and fewer penguins. Meanwhile, Coinbase’s “innovations” included a $307 million data breach bill. Because who doesn’t want to pay for their own cybercrime?

In a new thread, crypto trader Ali Martinez, that paragon of wisdom, addresses his 145,400 followers on the social media platform X, warning that Bitcoin may yet fall further, its value diminishing by more than 7%, as it mirrors the tumult of the broader financial world. 🧠

After a sharp expansion that was more dramatic than a soap opera cliffhanger, Ripple (XRP) has now rejected from its recent highs and is heading toward a critical support zone. The next major technical level is at $2.80, a region that’s practically throwing a party with the 0.618 Fibonacci retracement, the value area high of a previous volume range, and high-timeframe structural support. This confluence is like a cosmic alignment for a potential reversal and higher low formation.

The Puppet Master Behind Liquidity’s Curtain

According to Gate, it will initially offer crypto trading pairs for US customers, with upcoming services for fiat on- and off-ramps and support for custodial wallets. One can only imagine the thrill of converting dollars into digital dust. 🧙♂️💸

What does this mean, you ask? Why, nothing less than modernizing U.S. financial regulations to bring crypto innovation onshore by establishing clear, supportive rules for digital assets. And lo and behold, the market reacted with all the subtlety of a drunk poet at a wedding: $BTC surged over 28% to $90 billion since the news broke. Truly, the coins danced in their digital wallets like peas in a pod. 🕺💃

According to the ever-reliable CEO Brian Armstrong—who, unlike most CEOs, has mastered the art of casually flaunting billion-dollar acquisitions in a single X (formerly Twitter) post—Coinbase added more than 2,500 BTC in Q2 of 2025. Rumor has it, they’re planning to keep stacking ‘em, because who needs sleep when you’re busy collecting digital gold? Their average purchase price? A modest $740 million—a figure that, at current market prices, makes their paper gains over half a billion dollars. Planning to make it rain, Coinbase? Looks like it. 🌧️💸

Hyperliquid is basically the sad puppy of the crypto world today, dropping 9.35% in just 24 hours to trade at $39.35. Over the past week, it’s lost 7.90%. Ouch! But hey, at least it’s hanging on with a market cap of $13.1 billion. Guess it’s hard to stay liquid when you’re drowning in a pool of red. 🐶

Chairman Atkins, armored with both rhetoric and PowerPoint, addressed the multitudes—by which I mean an audience more restless than rapt—speaking of Project Crypto, a name almost too stylish for government work. With cautious pride and perhaps a suppressed smile, he declared his intent to make America not just great, but the crypto capital of a world perpetually on the edge of a server crash. “Long live the Golden Age!” he exclaimed, invoking President Trump’s vision. “Our digital asset economy will shine, provided we can decipher our own guidelines.”