jpyxx

Take gold, for instance: it has the enchanted guardians called central banks, those tireless hoarders who hurry to fill their vaults as if the apocalypse were nigh. Stocks, on the other hand, have pension and sovereign funds, those kindly aunts and uncles who love to compound and patiently wait for their spoils. And then there is crypto – poor, lonely crypto. It has none of this affection. The only children at its dinner table are the very companies that swoon and faint alongside their digital coins.

In the labyrinthine world of cryptocurrency, where fortunes are made and lost in the blink of an eye, the past 24 hours have been a theater of the absurd. While the titans of the crypto realm slumbered in their consolidation, a lowly altcoin, Euler (EUL), seized its moment of glory. Its price, like a fevered dream, surged by double digits, briefly touching the heavens at $13.30-a five-week high. Yet, as is the way of all things mortal, it soon retraced to $10.70, leaving behind a trail of both hope and despair. 📈💔

On the fateful day of September 5, the Bureau of Labor Statistics (that dreadful arbiter of mortal toil) whispered that only 22,000 new jobs appeared in August-a number so scant it might have been lost behind the couch cushions of Lady Fortune. Yet, the unemployment rate, that fickle mistress, remained stubbornly fixed at 4.3%. Meanwhile, the tale beneath the numbers told of a labor market cooling as if caught in the chill of a Polish winter; more souls unable to find work, and fewer taking up the honest hustle.

Behold, the SEC’s parchment reveals that 408 BTC were mined, a paltry 353 from cloudly servitude and 55 from self-mining-ah, the irony! 🤡 The CEO, Leo Lu, doth boast of “efficiency” and “hashrate expansion,” as if the numbers themselves were mere phantoms of his imagination.

Backed by Microsoft, no less! Yes, the very same Microsoft that once sold us Clippy, the paperclip with delusions of grandeur, now lends its name to this endeavor. Space and Time, they say, marries blockchain’s security with enterprise-level data architecture-a union as unlikely as a Chekhov protagonist finding happiness. All to support Web 3.0 and AI applications, because what’s life without a little existential dread? 🤖💍

//media.crypto.news/2025/09/image-54.png”/>

On the 1-day chart, its silhouette is undeniably bearish, a shadow play of despair. Yet, like a clown feigning tragedy, a bullish reversal from its nearby liquidity pocket may yet pirouette into view. Will it? Won’t it? The traders, those ever-hopeful tightrope walkers, must keep their eyes peeled. 🤡🔍

Ethereum, that lovable second fiddle to Bitcoin but arguably the cooler blockchain kid on the block, has barely budged-down a negligible 0.2% in 24 hours. Apparently, when all the other cryptos act like they’re stuck in a bad Wi-Fi zone, ETH decides to join the meh club too.

A Bloomberg report, as reliable as a morning coffee, informs us that Strategy’s latest quarterly earnings have blossomed into an unrealized gain of $14 billion. This, my friends, is the final flourish needed to meet the profitability criteria that had, until now, barred our hero from the stage. After all, who could resist a company that has managed to turn the trick of sustained profitability over the last four quarters? 🎩✨

August’s jobs report was like that one kid in class who always forgets their homework-utterly disappointing. It delivered the weakest payroll gains since 2021, leaving Wall Street scratching its head and crypto enthusiasts rubbing their hands with glee. 🤑💼