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In a stunning plot twist, the Trump family is apparently backing American Bitcoin Corp. (ABTC), which just expanded its Bitcoin reserves to about 5,843 BTC. According to their thrilling treasury update this week, they’re riding the accumulation wave led by firms like Strategy Inc. and making purchases faster than you can say “Bitcoin buy.”

USDT has long swept across oceans and markets, a sovereign of mischief and promise, though often meeting the eye of regulators only when the wind shifted. USAT, in a jesting but earnest manner, seeks to mend the seam between global wanderer and domestic citizen, offering institutions and everyday folk a dollar token that obeys the strict manners of the home country.

This isn’t just any old platform; it’s a “comprehensive treasury platform,” whatever that means. Essentially, it’s like marrying a 40-year-old workstation (yes, the same one your grandpa’s finance team used) to Ripple’s shiny crypto infrastructure. A match made in heaven? Or a blind date gone hilariously wrong? Only time will tell.

AVAX One, darling of the digital asset realm and guided by the illustrious Scaramucci, found its shares nosediving by more than 32%. This spectacular fall came right after registering a whopping 74 million shares held by insiders-talk about a plot twist!

Crypto Patel, that modern-day soothsayer with a penchant for charts, has declared the $94,000-$98,000 neckline resistance as the financial equivalent of the River Styx. Bitcoin, it seems, has failed to cross, leaving Charon unbribed and the sellers in unchallenged dominion. The Head and Shoulders pattern, that technical tableau of doom, has been confirmed, followed by a bear-flag breakdown-a sequence as inevitable as a Waugh novel ending in disillusionment. Lower highs, key resistance, and a trend as bearish as a wet weekend in Bristol: such is the lot of the Bitcoin enthusiast.

In a recent chat with CoinDesk’s Jennifer Sanasie (on a perfectly ordinary Friday, January 26th), Chalom decided to skip the opinionated rambling and stick to what he calls “observable market signals.” Because, you know, facts are so much more entertaining than speculation. “Ethereum has been around for 10 years,” he pointed out, as if this were some sort of cosmic revelation. “It’s the secure, trusted, and liquid ecosystem.” Imagine that! A decade of not imploding-truly groundbreaking.

Now, Peter Schiff, who fancies himself quite the expert on shiny metals, has been yapping about the rise of precious metals and the stagnation of bitcoin for what feels like eons. The recent bull run in silver and gold has certainly added some fuel to his already roaring fire.

According to the ever-watchful Kobeissi Letter, between 9:00 AM ET and 1:00 PM ET, silver’s market cap swelled by a staggering $500 billion. A triumph, one might think, for the metal that has long played second fiddle to its golden cousin. But oh, the cruelty of fate! In the next three hours, it plummeted by $950 billion, only to rebound with another $500 billion by 10:30 PM ET. A rollercoaster, you say? Nay, it was a carnival of madness, a testament to the irrationality that lurks beneath the veneer of rational markets.

Peter Brandt says that after sliding out of a bearish downward-sloping channel to around $87,000, BTC bulls have a lot of work to do-like taking their vitamins and getting a better haircut.

“Computation”, says he, “is the sweetest treat you ever had! With tricks like parallel processing and zero-knowledge proofs, you can make any blockchain flap its wings and fly!” Meanwhile, the trusty archers of data-er, I mean erasure coding and PeerDAS-are ready to lighten the load, allowing even the puniest of nodes to peek at information sans the hefty downloads. It’s like making a sandwich without every single ingredient!