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Well now, it appears World Liberty Financial (WLFI)-proudly backed by a certain family with more Twitter followers than common sense-has answered the chorus of angry investors and Tron’s illustrious founder, Justin Sun. The rumors about iced wallets turned out to be about as true as a riverboat gambler’s lucky hat.

According to the CME Watch Tool (because we all trust those things, right?), the probability of a rate cut in September is now sitting at a whopping 97.6%. Can we get a round of applause for that figure? 💅 It’s like the market suddenly decided, “Hey, let’s just be totally *sure* this is happening.” It had its doubts earlier this summer, but now? It’s all rainbows and sunshine for rate cuts, with a mere 2.4% chance that the Fed will keep things the same. Oh, and a *0% chance* of a rate hike. So, let’s just all breathe a little easier. 😌

“For on-chain finance to scale, the SEC and the CFTC should collaborate…” They’re not just collaborating-they’re finally realizing that working together is less stressful than blaming each other for the financial apocalypse. 🧨

But hey, before you start crying over your crypto latte, note that Chainlink’s fundamentals are still doing their thing-they’ve just had a little glitch on the price dance floor. The Chainlink Reserve just popped open the champagne and scooped up 43,937.57 LINK, boosting their stash to 237,014.07 LINK (making them look like the serious kids at the party). Plus, Chainlink landed a fancy integration with the Bureau of Economic Analysis, meaning it now gets VIP access to the U.S. macroeconomic gossip. Big moves, darling.

ETHDenver 2025, HeDERA Africa, and Unite DeFi 2025 (in cahoots with the ever-ambitious 1inch) have stretched the very definition of competition, offering mere mortals the chance to bask in the glory of becoming the next DeFi unicorn-or at least to fondle a prize pool.

It appears our steadfast Bloomberg sage, amidst the swirling mists of speculation, humbly hints at a revelation. REX Shares might just grace us with the introduction of a Dogecoin ETF as next week unfurls its narrative. Meanwhile, in the vast cacophony of predictions, experts entertain the possibility of our beloved dogecoin reaching levels of $0.30, $1, and dare I say, the audacious $5. 🐕✨

In a whispered revelation on X, the enigmatic scribes of CryptoQuant have unveiled the latest chapter in the saga of Ethereum and Tron-based stablecoins. The “Exchange Reserve,” that enigmatic dance of digits, now swells with the vigor of a thousand suns, its tides lapping at the shores of the centralized exchanges, where fortunes are forged and lost in the blink of an eye.

The altcoins, those lesser creatures of speculation, skulk in the shadows, their gains as fleeting as a bureaucrat’s conscience. Only HYPE, aptly named, has vaulted past $47, while ENA-perhaps out of sheer desperation-has clawed its way up by 13%. The rest? Silent, stagnant, like corpses awaiting burial.

The pronouncements were made during Taipei Blockchain Week, a gathering of gentlemen and ladies earnestly discussing the future of… well, you know. A billion dollars, they say! A rather ambitious figure, even for those who believe Bitcoin will finally replace, say, actual currency. They’ve already secured a paltry $200 million in initial commitments. From regional partners. One assumes they were sufficiently incentivized. Perhaps with promises of future yachts. 🛥️

In a move that shocked absolutely no one (but still got a few “oohs” and “aahs”), Bullish (NYSE: BLSH) announced on Sept. 5 that its German sidekick, Bullish Europe GmbH, has been crowned by the German Federal Financial Supervisory Authority (BaFin) under the European Union’s Markets in Crypto-Assets Regulation (MiCAR). 🎉