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According to the Northern District of California’s U.S. Attorney’s Office (who, by the way, seem to have a surprisingly entertaining sense of justice), Marian swiped a whopping $507,916 in Electronic Benefits Transfer funds. That’s roughly enough to buy a used Cadillac, or a lifetime supply of ramen noodles for 25 families-because apparently, Marian isn’t too concerned about the little things like “people’s livelihoods.”

This theatrical exodus of capital is a clear sign that the market’s mood has taken a decidedly somber turn, potentially pushing BTC’s price into the shadows of despair. 😢

“The first step toward rational privacy online begins now,” the foundation proclaimed, as if heralding the dawn of a new era. They tantalizingly revealed that “nearly 34 million eligible addresses across eight blockchain ecosystems” could partake in this digital feast via the official portal at claim.midnight.gd. The claim window, they assured us, would remain ajar until 13:00 UTC on October 4, a veritable eternity in the fast-paced world of crypto.

Right now, LINK is lounging at $16.49-like that one friend who’s a little too confident but clearly just lost their wallet. Down 6.91% over the past week, because nothing screams “buy the dip” like a dip that’s almost a dollar. But wait, don’t panic-buyers appear to be gently nudging in at the $15.83 support zone, because even cryptocurrencies have that one friend who refuses to leave the party. It’s like watching a soap opera: dramatic MACD divergences, a rally of 21% last July that now looks tired, and Bollinger Bands that seem to be politely asking LINK to sit down. The current upper resistance is about $17.76-like a snooty bouncer, ready to turn away any bullish hopes.

Amidst this carnival of digital currency, Coinbase found itself in a curious position. Its revenue, like a river swollen by spring rains, increased by thirty-three percent year over year, reaching the sum of one billion and fifty million dollars. Yet, this figure fell short of the expectations set by the learned analysts, who had predicted a more bountiful harvest of one billion five hundred and ninety million dollars. By June, the volume of monthly trades had dwindled from eighty-nine billion dollars in April to a mere fifty-seven billion dollars, a stark reminder of the fickle nature of the market and the exchange’s reliance on the fleeting winds of hype. 🌬️

As of the latest gossip, Toncoin (TON) is frolicking around the $3.19 mark, having gracefully descended about 5% in the last 24 hours and a charming 7% over the week. It seems our token has decided to take a breather from its previous high of $3.70 and is now nestled comfortably in a support range between $3.30 and $3.20. This little nook has been a reliable refuge for past price escapades.

Decentralized perpetuals exchange gTrade has delivered its magnum opus: version 10, or as the insiders call it, v10-so significant it might as well be an upgrade from the dawn of trading itself. The pièce de résistance? A funding fee model replacing the dull, bureaucratic borrowing fees, crafted explicitly to boost scalability and-dare we say-support more daring trading capers like swing trading, arbitrage, and hedging, because who needs boring? 🍸

Martinez, a sage of numbers, warns that the recent dip below the 14-week moving average on Bitcoin’s chart is nothing less than a herald of impending disaster-a harbinger of a 24-26% decline, if history’s cruel lessons are to be believed. For those who trust the sacred Relative Strength Index, it signals waning fervor among the faithful, a sign that the current rally may be but a fleeting illusion in the vast desert of greed and despair. Truly, when the RSI shows its teeth, it doesn’t just bite-it devours hopes.

Coinbase decided to spice things up with some fresh listings, including Mamo (MAMO), Euler (EUL), Succinct (PROVE), and Towns Protocol (TOWNS). Meanwhile, Robinhood, not to be outdone, joined the altcoin party by introducing Bonk (BONK), Pudgy Penguins (PENGU), Peanut the Squirrel (PNUT), and Stellar (XLM) on their Robinhood Legend platform. Who knew altcoins could be so… adorable?

Oh, Spark protocol [SPK], you cheeky little firecracker 🔥, you’ve gone and shot up 280% in the past month thanks to a staking craze that makes people act like they’ve discovered free money. And let’s not forget the shout-out from Coinbase’s CEO, Brian Armstrong, who probably muttered something nice about it while sipping his third cold brew of the morning.