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Let’s break this down like we’re explaining it to your weird uncle who still thinks Bitcoin is a new type of toaster. 🍞 Positive earnings reports from companies like McDonald’s (yes, the same place you order fries from while crying in your car) and Apple’s decision to toss $100 billion into the U.S. economy-because why not?-seem to have cheered up both stocks and crypto markets. Bitcoin, which had taken a nosedive all the way to $112K, rebounded like a kid pretending they didn’t just trip in front of their crush. It’s now back above $115K, where it’s been happily hanging out like it owns the place.

Meet the “Trend Accumulation Score,” a lofty guardian that doesn’t see the market live, merely peering through a two-week telescope-so outdated it’s practically a relic. This late bloom begs the question: are these waves of hoarding new or just echoes of the July dip, that fateful moment when Bitcoin dipped from a lofty peak of $117,000 down to a modest $110,000?

Le fameux avocat Bill Morgan, en bon messager de la sagesse juridique, a confirmé sur X (oui, cette plateforme où l’on s’émerveille du dernier chat en ligne) que les deux protagonistes, Ripple et la SEC, seraient à la dernière étape du grand cirque judiciaire. Tout ce qui reste à faire, c’est pour les commissaires SEC de voter pour abandonner cette mascarade, et voilà que les papiers officiels pourront enfin faire leur voyage de la relâchement, ou plutôt, de la suspension… Ou pas. Qui sait !

ETH, in its current dalliance with consolidation, clings to the $4,000 chandelier with the desperation of a Victorian poet clutching a last shilling. The $3,400 support zone is defended with the vigor of a man who’s just discovered his ex’s new crypto wallet. Meanwhile, the 100-day moving average, that most ardent of suitors, curls upward like a Victorian glove reaching for a handshake. 💃

On a sunny July 5th, Ripple tiptoed to the Office of the Comptroller of the Currency (OCC) with a grand plan: to establish a national trust bank. Imagine! Crypto and traditional finance holding hands and skipping into the sunset. 🌅 But alas, the banking giants are having none of this fairy tale.

Using the mysterious arts of UTXO charts and some fancy number crunching, CryptoQuant-a bunch of clever tech wizards-have sniffed out a “danger zone.” Think of it as Bitcoin’s hidden trapdoor. Years ago, a similar rickety bridge at $111K caused a bit of a stumble when it was knocked down to about $111,800. Now, the sneaky math suggests another sneaky spot at $105,000 is lurking, ready to make traders’ eyes pop out! 🎩✨

Since July 21, this altcoin diva has repeatedly flirted with resistance near $3,859 while clinging desperately to support at $3,524, unable to decide whether it wants to soar or sulk. Momentum? Fading faster than a soufflé at a weight-loss retreat. Key on-chain metrics now whisper (or perhaps scream) that ETH might be settling in for an extended period of sideways shuffling-or worse, a dramatic price breakdown. Oh, the drama!

Imagine a bond so fashionable that it’s convertible into its own shares or a handful of digital gold (BTC, for the uninitiated). Meanwhile, TOBAM, apparently wielding the powers of a financial wizard, already snapped up the whole lot. No doubt they are pondering whether to toast with champagne or just stare at the numbers and marvel about the future.

This meteoric rise, my dear reader, coincides with the much-hyped Illuvium Pro League 2025, commencing on August 16. Investors, ever the flock of sheep in designer wool, have stampeded toward this altcoin with the fervor of a society matron at a hat sale. Yet, as is the way with all things fleeting, this bullish spike has also awakened the sellers from their slumber. 😴💸

According to the Northern District of California’s U.S. Attorney’s Office (who, by the way, seem to have a surprisingly entertaining sense of justice), Marian swiped a whopping $507,916 in Electronic Benefits Transfer funds. That’s roughly enough to buy a used Cadillac, or a lifetime supply of ramen noodles for 25 families-because apparently, Marian isn’t too concerned about the little things like “people’s livelihoods.”