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Chief Strategy Officer Gary Deng told CoinDesk that Ethereum is “the world’s most mature smart contract platform.” Mature? Really? Have they met Ethereum lately? It’s like saying your weird uncle who collects stamps is “mature.” But sure, let’s go with it. 🙄

According to crypto.news data (because apparently we need a source for this financial theater), Ethereum has surged roughly 7% in the past 24 hours. It now trades slightly above $3,911, breaking free from its recent slump that dragged prices as low as $3,400. Truly, ETH is like a moody artist-down one moment, painting masterpieces the next. 🎨

“Trained on Azure,” the press release insists, as if Azure were a kindly boarding school and GPT-5 the head prefect who just figured out how to pick locks. It arrives brandishing “enhanced reasoning,” “smarter task execution,” and “contextual understanding” that can apparently decipher not only what you meant to type but also what you should have typed instead. Think grammar check, but with the internal monologue of a disappointed English professor.

In what sounds like a plot straight out of a financial soap opera, these two powerhouses decided to co-found Anchorpoint Financial Limited right there in the hustle and bustle of Hong Kong. The mission? To go begging for a shiny stablecoin issuer license from the HKMA. You know, because issuing money isn’t complicated enough-now they want a license, too. They’re all about issuing and pushing stablecoins into the wild, wild west of finance, with all the regulatory hoop-jumping you could wish for.

Now the boulevard whispers with schemes anew! Shall BlackRock, the Titan of Trillions, descend from their marble towers to don the mask of the XRP ETF? Our sage jester Monsieur Nate Geraci, presiding over The ETF Store, regales us thus on the social stage:

After what seems like decades of courtroom circus, Ripple [XRP] and the SEC have thrown in the towel.

TOSHI, the token so meme-worthy it could star in its own sitcom, dropped 5.61% in the last 24 hours. But wait-before you light your keyboard on fire in despair, let me remind you that just days ago, it rallied a whopping 34%. Yes, folks, this is what we call “financial whiplash.” It’s like riding a rollercoaster designed by someone who hates you personally.

“Picture,” he murmured, “a three-year rolling recession-less a tidy pause, more a slinking, snaggletoothed panther that finally curled up and expired in a discreet corner of April, leaving only a faint whiff of despond in the air. Lo! A sparkling bull now stampedes across the charts, its horns freshly anointed with capital-markets confetti.” 🐂✨

The trading volume, too, swelled like a river in spring, surpassing the staggering figure of $1.1 billion within a single day. Only yesterday, XLM clung precariously to the precipice of $0.41, its fate hanging in the balance. Today, it gazes boldly toward the next resistance at $0.51, its ambitions as lofty as they are audacious. The market cap, in a display of exuberance, soared to $14.5 billion, propelling Stellar back into the hallowed ranks of the top 20. Such is the nature of the market-a fickle mistress, yet one capable of bestowing great favors upon the fortunate. 💰

Not too long ago, CryptoPotato highlighted an esteemed analyst’s forecast about XRP’s inevitable price crash. The asset had already slid 20% from its peak in mid-July, teetering around $2.8.