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Ah, Ark Invest, like an eager child in a candy store, snatched up circa $177 million worth of BLSH stock. This thirst for cryptocurrency has become more common than one’s craving for morning tea.

So, just when you thought the crypto market was on a roll, it suddenly hit the brakes. Over $1 billion in long and short positions vanished faster than a magician’s rabbit on Aug. 14. According to Coinglass (updated at 10:30 p.m. EST), a staggering $872 million of those liquidations were from long positions. For those of you who aren’t into the whole “liquidation” thing, that’s money that was *poof* gone. Short positions made up the leftovers.

According to the number-crunchers at Arkham Intelligence (yes, that’s a real thing, not a Batman spinoff), Elon’s space gang is sitting on 8,285 BTC. That’s roughly $1 billion in today’s rollercoaster crypto economy. 🎢📈

*Source: X (formerly Twitter, if you still care about legacy names)*

Mr. Bessent, a gentleman of no small influence, has now clarified that his department is indeed exploring budget-neutral avenues to acquire Bitcoin for the Strategic Bitcoin Reserve – a statement that stands in stark contrast to his earlier remarks that had sent the Bitcoin market into a tizzy. “Treasury is committed to exploring budget-neutral pathways to acquire more Bitcoin to expand the reserve,” Bessent declared in a missive on X this past Thursday, much to the relief of Bitcoin enthusiasts.

According to Arab Chain, Binance’s Bitcoin stash has gone from a modest “I’ve got a secret” to a “let’s throw a yard sale” situation. The exchange, which has always fancied itself the host of the most exclusive crypto soiree, now holds more BTC than a gold-obsessed pirate. High liquidity? More like high-stakes poker with digital gold. 🐀🃏

But as the sun dipped low, casting long shadows over the day’s events, Bessent seemed to have a change of heart. In a post on X, he proclaimed with newfound enthusiasm that the Treasury was “committed to exploring budget-neutral pathways to acquire more Bitcoin to expand the reserve.” It was as if he had discovered a hidden stash of apples in a tree that had seemed bare. “Seized assets will remain the foundation,” he emphasized, as if trying to convince himself that this was a solid plan. The government, it seemed, was now open to the idea of finding clever ways to add to its digital hoard, like a raccoon rummaging through a trash can for shiny objects.

In the last 30 days alone, Ether has surged by 60%-yeah, you read that right-hitting a near four-year high of $4,770 in early trading. Other reports are saying it’s chilling just a little lower at $4,694, which is still a 78% spike over an eight-week period. You’d think Ether was working out at the gym with those gains. 💪🏽

On the 1-hour chart, XRP looks like it’s trying to organize its life after a chaotic breakup (from $3.34 down to $2.97). There was this fleeting moment where it tried to rally back up to $3.15, only to be rejected faster than an avocado-toast meme at a baby boomer brunch. Now it’s hovering around $3.07-$3.10, proving once again that buyers are about as reliable as my Wi-Fi during a storm. A massive spike in selling volume suggests someone big (probably wearing a suit) decided it was time to hit the eject button. Bulls? They’re MIA, unless you count their vague promises to return if $3.12 becomes relevant again. 🐂✨

Last week, Chainlink pulled back the curtain on their LINK reserve plans, a treasure chest to be filled with network revenue, all in the name of long-term prosperity. Chainlink, for those who haven’t heard, is a decentralized oracle network, a sort of bridge between blockchain smart contracts and the real world, ensuring these digital agreements get the data they need to function without a hitch. 🌐🔐