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France, that most prudent of nations, hath responded with fervor—clad in armor of security measures—due to the recent spate of villainous abductions of notable figures in the *criminally* lucrative crypto industry. It seems, mon ami, that even millionaire moguls and their daughters are not safe from the grasp of the nouveau riche miscreants. 🤑🤺

Crypto analyst Chad (not a character from a superhero comic, but close enough) recently posted on X (formerly Twitter, but with more attitude) that our charismatic coin might be in the early stages of developing a snazzy right shoulder of this pattern. Think of it as Bitcoin doing its best impression of a swimmer mid-stroke—except it’s probably just avoiding a dip in the $90,000s. Chad pointed out that a quick plunge could help cool off the overheated RSI, which is basically just a fancy thermometer that’s been left in the sun too long. This dip could also shake out the folks who buy high and sell low—those charming people who think ‘investing’ is just another word for gambling.

Ethereum, being the reliable overachiever, has been climbing steadily with its 3% weekly gains, keeping everyone’s hopes high. PEPE, on the other hand, is like that unpredictable cousin who shows up to the party, does a wild dance, and then disappears into thin air. But is PEPE just reloading for a big comeback? Or is Ethereum just quietly setting up for the long haul?

Yes, you read it right. The portal to the digital goldmine, Cointree, blinked and missed the deadline for reporting suspicious matters, that stuff that keeps the authorities busy and the criminals, well, on edge. The Australian financial watchdog, AUSTRAC, which apparently has more patience for tardiness than a school teacher with a detention slip, handed over these fines after Cointree, in a rare act of honesty, admits it bungled the schedule. Bravo! Or perhaps just a sign of the times? 🥴

The culprit? That pesky supply zone between $0.24009 and $0.25000—an area that, like a bad ex, keeps rejecting Dogecoin’s attempts at a breakout. Remember March? No? Neither does Dogecoin, apparently. It tried, and failed. Again. Because bears, with their sneaky claws, are creeping back in, slowly but surely. Just like the slow realization that your favorite meme coin might not be the next Bitcoin—shocking, I know.

And just when you were starting to think the whales had gone into hibernation, one big guy deposited 200,355 LINK back into Binance after nine months of hiding under the coral reef. This move banked the whale a cool $1.08 million profit from an earlier $4.56 million stash. Nice work if you can get it. The wallet still keeps 145,430 LINK, worth about $2.37 million, so it’s not tossing all its chips on the table just yet.

But hold your horses, brave market warriors! Seems like our hero is getting tired—losing steam after trying to burst out of the $102,000–$105,000 trap. The bullish fireworks? More like a flickering candle in a draft. The market’s giving us the tired sigh of a creature that’s seen better days.

Lo and behold, the 30-day aggregated Open Interest Delta has giddily reached the same dizzy heights as during past explosive breakouts. Think of it as Bitcoin’s mood ring, revealing the net difference between bullish long lovers and bearish short skeptics. When charted, it shows a charming two-step waltz:

SCMP reported that Hong Kong’s very diligent Commercial Crime Bureau (think of them as the crime-fighting Avengers, but without capes) arrested nine men and three women, aged 20 to 40—probably with significantly worse excuses—to raid their hideouts on Thursday. They seized over HK$1.05 million in cold, hard cash, more than 560 ATM cards (because one is never enough), mobile phones, and enough bank documents to make even the most dedicated paper hoarder weep. These suspects now face charges of conspiracy to commit money laundering, which sounds far more glamorous than it actually is.

Now, Binance and Kraken weren’t exactly sitting pretty during this wave of social engineering attacks, which, by the way, is just a fancy way of saying “tricking people into doing stupid things.” Bloomberg reports that hackers tried to bribe customer service employees at Binance. They wanted the employees to spill the beans on a Telegram account, but lo and behold, Binance’s trusty AI systems spotted the suspicious behavior faster than you can say “phishing scam!” Even though the messages were in languages that could confuse the most seasoned of linguists, the bots caught on quicker than a cat spotting a laser pointer.